Everybody's Caught in a Spin...

[Daybreak]

RHW,

I took your advice and drafted a response to W. My next IC appointment is Monday - so I will wait for his comment (and everyone else's on the BB). Here is my first cut:

W,

I had a chance to think over what you wrote to me last week as well as discussing what you wrote with my therapist. Quite honestly, I don't see much of a difference between what you are proposing (an in-house separation) and the terms under which we have had to live our lives for the past six years. There have been (and still are) a myriad of choices that you can make - no one is going to (or will) force you to do anything that you do not willingly choose to do. From my frame of reference, I willingly choose to be where I am given the circumstances - and that sense of empowerment is very liberating and healthy on many levels.

I don't want to "keep things as good as we can for the kids" as you put it - I want far better for them. They have been hurting for a very long time. I feel a great deal of sadness whenever S or D ask me questions like: "Why does Mom treat you the way she does?" "Why does she leave you out of going to the movies or going to the play?" And I am growing very tired of having to evade their questions with contrived excuses for your decisions. They are very bright - and very sensitive - children. They understand what is going on, W - and have for a very long time. And frankly, they deserve a lot better from both of us than what you are proposing.

Something that I took away from your note is the lack of finding positive solutions for problems. You wrote to me that you felt sheepish that I do the grocery shopping and cooking. I am actually glad that you admitted that to me - I do far more inside and outside the house than a lot of spouses do and have ever since we started living together. Some of the time I don't feel like doing needs to be done but I get that sense of empowerment and satisfaction when it does get accomplished. Also, it does not make a heck of a lot of sense to keep separate stores of groceries, cook separate meals, etc. if we are living in the same house.

I want to suggest something that addresses this "sheepishness" concerning the grocery shopping and cooking. I would like for you to come up with some suggestions as how you can make a positive contribution to the nuts and bolts of grocery shopping and cooking. Once you have come up with some ideas, we can talk about it and come to a mutually agreeable solution. I recall the sense of accomplishment you exuded when we completed the long overdue inventory and purging of our pantry and spice cabinet - and I bet that you felt good when it was finished. This is something that you can discuss at length with your therapist - the value of finding and implementing positive solutions. My therapist strongly believes in this approach - I hope yours does as well.

In essence, what I am saying to you is that I don't buy into your suggested resolutions to our difficulties. I do understand where those resolutions are coming from and how your experiences (parents' failed marriage and your two prior failed marriages) have played into all of this. But my overriding concern is for S and D. They deserve nothing less than a mother and father who are in a stable, strong, growing and happy marriage - and that has been my goal from the very beginning. And I will not sugarcoat this for you - that particular road will take a lot of effort, energy and time from both of us. It will also not be a linear process - there will be stumbles and setbacks on this path. However, the goal will be well worth the effort on so many levels - and our children will be so much better off because of it.

As I said to you on Labor Day - if you are that determined to continue down the road that you have had us on for the past few years, I am powerless to do anything to stop you. I have served my time for my "transgression" (meaning the pornography nearly six years ago) by several orders of magnitude and I will no longer be held in judgment by you for it. Therefore, the ownership of a continued separation or divorce rests solely with you.