Help me thru this sitch

[Pudmuddle]

Hi BD,

I am running on 4 hours of sleep, so I hear that. Thanks for responding...

I am trying hard to get used to this, it's funny how you see how stuck you were before and how much better it can be when you thought all hope was lost. Now that I think about this more, I think he purposely told me he was going out with OW Sat night because he wanted to see if he could unnerve me, or if I was truly changing for the better. I actually came home from work and had been blasting fave songs on my radio all the way home, so I was really happy when I got there. Then I won a small prize from a website, and it came in the mail so I was ecstatic about that. Then I asked him how his day was and was singing to myself. I think it really threw him for a loop. I would say I deserved an Oscar for acting...but it wasn't an act!!! It felt real and genuine that I didn't need him to validate my feelings or feel good about myself. Then after being home for 15 mins, I took off to take some books back to the library, while he was left standing in the kitchen eating his dinner out of a bowl. I left him to absorb the fact that I was happy.

Sure, I would still love to hug him hard and kiss his face, but I realize how angry and confused he still is.

Yeah, I know you are right about the mediation thing, and I have been trying to admit that to myself, but I just can't do it right now. I need more time to see any small positive changes in him. And I am trying to figure out how to speak his love language too.

Thanks for the words of support.