Interesting conversation -- sounds to me like H is still struggling with his pride and as a result is unable to accept his behavioral mistakes/problems in the M.
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When I tell him that I don't feel that we have addressed them all he accuses me of only remembering the negative things...I said maybe I am. Its hard to forget an H who rejects your physical advances for years, is critical, controlling and emotionally abusive. Forgive me if I think that 9 years worth of this resolves itself in 4 months.
It's disappointing to see your H not be able to validate and empathize with your feelings about not addressing everything you need to have addressed in the M in order to resolve things. Unfortunately, it sounds like H still isn't at that place where he can say, "Okay, I need to put my testicles on a shelf and take a hard look at myself and how I've treated my W."
As far as the bolded stuff goes, did you actually mention these things to H during your convo? I think H needs to really understand the extent to which these behaviors damaged you, your self-concept/respect, your M, your view of him, etc. He just hasn't been able to see how brutal these actions on his part have been. He really does need this S period so he can reflect more. And sadly, if he can't hack that or decides that a new R is a better choice to make, then I don't think you want him back (shatty as that is). I don't know if you can actually do anymore to facilitate his realization (you've talked about these problems in MC, haven't you?). H might just need to come to grips with these things himself (I know that I did, but it came with IC and reading -- couldn't do it on my own, but W was out of the equation at that point too). I just don't know. I keep hoping he'll pull his head out, but it hasn't happened yet. However, I think he's realizing that his controlling behaviors aren't having the effect he's hoped they would. Continue holding your ground, and he'll have no choice but to ditch those tactics and drop the pride (if he really wants you back, that is). That was my experience, anyway (but again, it was too late for me).
I do think that if you can not be crass about everything, and just be sincere about how you feel it will get you further. Don't budge with your needs in the R, but be sincere, compassionate, etc. Show him the loving side of you while maintaining your clear stance on what you need from him (which includes his patience while working on things). As easy as it probably is to get into an argument with H during these kinds of talks, resolve yourself to stay cool, calm, and collected. Don't let his attitude/behavior suck you down into an argument.
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We tossed around his comments about dating, taking off his ring etc. I was supposed to know that this was just empty talk.
Does that mean that he was bluffing, and did he pretty much say that he was full of it by saying and doing those things? And, if so, he also said that you should've been able to see that?
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He also insinuated that I was going to parade a flurry of men in and out of our daughters life which was another complete put down to me and a testament to what he thinks of me...I am somehow a bimbo. Great so now because he doesn't do it for me...I am going out and getting it on with every Tom, Dick and Harry that comes my way.
Not necessarily. What I see is that he is hurt, scared, and insecure, and is really afraid of losing you. He is using a tactic that he believes will keep you from going out with other men. I think they call it guilt-tripping. However, I don't think he believes you're a bimbo. That is only your perception. Try looking at it differently and with an open mind.
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He really wants to get out and date and "move on with his life" because now he wants affections and a physical relationship and if I am not willing he wants someone else. This just blows me away. He is talking out both sides of his mouth. Does he want me? Or does he just want to get laid? I mean he didn't even want me for years! Now he is in such a hurry? Whats going on here.
Again, trying to control you with scare tactics. More or less threatening you by saying, "If you won't reconcile with me now, I'm going to go find someone else. What do you think about that? You don't want that, do you?" He thinks that making you believe you could lose him to someone else will spook you into coming back. He's still playing that card, but we can see right through it!
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I told him that if we S for a while that maybe we could work through this and my spark for him could come back. But I couldn't gaurantee that. If he wants to go out and date and see what happens then go ahead. But I will be doing the same.
I wouldn't have added the part about you doing it too. You should try to stick to something like, "I know that you might not want or be able to wait for things to change between us, and if you want to begin dating other people then I understand." Don't add things that will come across as threats back to him. Just show him that his scare tactics won't deter you from what you think is necessary in salvaging your M. Take the wind out of his sails without stooping to his level.
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Did I totally flub this up or did I do okay?
I think you did great! You held your ground and didn't let his subtle threats and efforts to control you and the situation affect your own choices and needs. H is going to have to drop his guard and admit that he needs to have patience and work on himself in order to reconcile with you.
