Tues was a good day, at least for the most part. I havent said that for quite awhile it seems. My day started with a meeting with my current supervisor who wanted to "gauge" where I was at in my position and see where we could fine tune some points. I pretty much just expunged everything I had been holding back for quite awhile....I dropped the "c" from care and just became "are". As always nothing I had to relay struck her as anything important but at least I got it out of my system. Used my meeting as a lavatory..... Felt a lot lighter afterward. I went to my interview and it went incredibly well. I went in there with the "as if" and was offered the position. It isnt really anything fantastic but a little extra money and a "get out of jail free card". That is more than enough for me. Plus it gives me an opportunity for change which is MORE than needed. Yesterday I told my supervisor and she was more than surprised and tried to counter offer. I explained that money was not my mode of transportation....I am trying to cultivate my emotional well being and dropping the toxins from my life...my current job is the largest. So I start my new job on the 16th of november. I feel relieved just for the change of scenery and the new job will pay for 4 years of college and it doesnt matter what the major is...(within reason of course) Later on tuesday went to me AA meeting barely making it on time because my w was working late again. The meeting was incredible for me because it reaffirmed what I was going through..."LET go, Let GOD"...I really believe that is the only explanation for my new job...I stopped trying to fix the problem. When I got home though, tehre was chaos admist the house again....EVERYTIME,...EVERYTIME I leave for meeting I come home to chaos. I am a "live wire" lately or least for several months now and I just have come to the point that I am tired of trying to resolve. AS much as it seems, I dont really like the sound of my voice and that isnt why I am speaking. My Oldest son is having suicidial thoughts again because he doesnt feel adequate or a big enough member of the family. His school work is still suffering and my W has been so tired and predisposed with her new job that everyone seems to be spending a lot of time lobbying for her attention. I told him that would make another appointment with Psychiatrist but he needs to know that no one can make him feel anything. He needs to understand that he is in control of this situation, not lean for words of reassurance 23 out of 24 hours of the day. The reason I said taht is because daily I tell him how much he is needed and loved in our home but he only listens to what he wants to listen to. My stress level with the home is gurgling and bubbling over. The little one is the one guiding everything in the home and the W is wanting me to be her rock to lean on with everything while she goes through this transition of her new job. I am happy for her but really I am in mode of selfish right now because everything she is feeling, I have been going through for years now....I am so so tired. I erupted when she complained that she will have to work late again everyday this week. I said "that if you can go in anytime you want, then why do you choose to go in at 9:30am? Why dont you go into work early and get your work done and get home at a reasonable hour than go in late and stay late?" She didnt react very well to it and said "because she doesnt feel well and is tired". HMMMMM...Don't know much about that!!!! I have been sacrificng my sleep and energy for years now just to make sure I do whatever I can to be home to help with the house....eh..whatever I guess. She said that we are not communicating well and I agreed. When we are only talking about "her" work it becomes tiresome...I know wrong, but hell...I am done being a "steward" to everyones life...she is always saying "WHY don't I talk more?" I explained because when I do, it instantly gets transformed into what she is doing at her work. "validation" is a nub word for me but it does have credit. So anyway, I will ramble sometime elsewhere...in a nutshell...The only work that is being done at my home is "on my home" and that my friends will never suffice. Dylan is gurgling somewhere in the distance "The Times, They are a Changin'"...peace
Felt a lot lighter afterward.