I know exactly where you are in terms of having a poorly functioning/non-functioning xH. I know why you stayed because I did it for the same reason. On some level I was aware of the borrowed functioning and felt that if I removed myself from his equation he would fall apart and I worried that it would hurt my children, hurt him (who I had loved at one time), cause the whole "house of cards" to fall (it did) and all of that would make me a bad person, immoral (not married for life, unfeeling) etc...
My children appeared almost not to notice the divorce. It is only in recent years when he has been more and more scare yet calling on the phone to play on their emotions (I love you so much but "I'm not good for you to be around right now) that they have really suffered. They hurt for him and want to help. They want to help by living with him but then again they don't want to. It goes around and around. My 15 year old is handling it best, he was 8 when we split up. They have a friendly R but my son doesn't look for much action by xH. My 10 year old was really just a baby - only 3 at the time and as she is coming into her adolescence is mourning it as if it just happened.
Any way you slice it MJ - the piece of functioning you added to the pie just wasn't his to consume, it was yours. I know the feeling of incredulously watching this person who you loved at one time choose to fail. It is a jaw dropping experience, surreal. It is becaue of this that when I met H I told him that I was solely responsible for my children and their welfare, the same as if I had gone to a sperm bank. Anything H contributed financially or emotionally would be a lot like having a kindly Uncle not a Dad. And that has been just the way it has been. Currently, he has been promising the kids (particularly my DD10) that he is going to get a job and move here to be with her, probably get a house down the street. I think it would be nice for both of them if he did but he can't afford it, won't take the steps necessary to make it happen and I doubt if it will happen. I could be proven wrong and I hope I am.
Don't poison many of your conversations with GP with this topic. Your xH is now like the old friend you have to whom you don't lend money or make land deals with. Hopefully, there are a few fond memories and now just some tolerance. I'm sorry for the financial woes. Hold him to his part within the limits of the legal system but just don't fret too much because you know he won't/can't deliver.
