Lets try thing again!!!!

[limbo]

Thanks Saff

I do plan on asking him to go and see his therapist again, because this is bigger then I can work out with him, he needs some outside help, if there is any hope of us truly getting past this.

[saffie]

FWIW I agree with Heim. You need to have more confidence in yourself. I lack greatly in that area and don't like myself much so assume that others won't like me or value me much.

I wanted to cry when you posted about not being quite good enough. To feel that way is so horrid :(. Have you ever talked to your mum about how you feel? If not I am sure she would be quite shocked. As a parent I know I would be very upset if my children thought I didn't think any of them were good enough. I bet that your H doesn't think he is good enough for you either, (NOT that you aren't good enough for him).


((((((((HUGS))))))))))

YOU CAN get through this.

Saffie

[sandi2]

Limbo Sweetie.......we are all here for you. I know you feel that your world is caving in around you, but you still have people that care. Most of all, God cares. I don't know if you are a Christian or not, but if you are, please turn to Him for comfort now b/c He will do that for you and give you strength to get through this.

With that said, I know you are wanting to have that physical touch and warmth of another loving human being. You said you wanted someone to hold you. I think, from what you said, that you and your parents are not that close. Is there anybody else that you feel close to that you could go to for comfort? Some friend or family member that would not throw all this up in your face and accuse you for the problems? You are very fragile right now, so it would not be a good idea to turn to a male friend simple b/c of what I have told you in other posts. Many EA begin when we are in a fragile postition.

Your H needs help, that is plan to see. He sounds like he is in bad MLC. He needs a C to guide him and help him find his way out. He is bouncing from one woman to another (if I followed everything correctly) and that says something there! It also sounds like he is trying to recapute his younger years by contacting this old girlfriend. Well, they will soon discover that they aren't those two people anymore. But it is still not fair for you to have to wait on the sidelines for them to get through their little adventure with each other. Some W's can do that.....but I don't think I would be good at doing that. You may need to ask yourself some serious questions about how badly you want to keep him. Can you wait it out? Can you wait for him to work through whatever it is that he needs to do?

Most of all sweetie....stop blaming yourself. I hate that parents make their children feel that they never measured up b/c they carry that all through their lives. You are a prime example. But it is your parenst that messed up in their child rearing skills......it was not you failing to meet their expectations. Probably their expectations were unrealistic, but regardless, they should have accepted you for who you were and not compare you to your cousin. That is a terrible thing to do to a kid. I am sure that all hit you in your face when your mother yelled at you and blamed you for the stuff going on. Don't listen to her. In fact, the best thing to do is to stay away from them and anyone else that makes you feel negative about yourself......for a while anyway. If they ask about it, tell them that you don't want to be around anyone that is going to find fault with you all the time and that you need to be with people that will support you in a positive way. If they don't like it....(trust me) they will get over it......and it might even open their eyes to how they have made you feel over the years. Have you ever discussed this with them? If so, I bet they denied it, didn't they? Well, they did something to cause you to feel this way and they should take responsibility for it. I am not so sure I would leave the kids with them if they are influencing their attitude that this is all your fault. Do you think they have done that?

Anyway, back to the H. he has some serious problems, that is clear. Is there anywhere you could get away for two or three days? How about the weekend? If it were me, I think I would just need to get away from the stress at the house so I could at least think straight. The tension must be pretty thick by now.

Think about having the kids stay with somebody and you getting away by yourself. Maybe go to a nearby town and just stay in a hotel for the weekend. Surely there is somewhere you can go or somebody you could stay a coupld of days with. Also, maybe you should try to see an IC just for yourself and get this low self esteem in a healthier condition. You have a right to feel beaten down from what your H has done to you. It would effect any woman that way. But please don't think you have not been "good" enough for him. He is the one with the problem.....but it isn't that you have not been a good enough wife for him.....that certainly is not the problem here.

Good luck sweetie. We are here for you. Please stay in close contact so we know what is going on and won't worry about you, ok?

[limbo]

Thank you so much! your emails have made me cry! which isn't hard to do today!

I have really stopped talking to friends because they think I should have left along time ago, so this would just prove there point.
I just want a good marriage, I know he just isn't in the right frame of mind, but how can we get him there, I seriously doubt he will see his C again.
I will suggest he speak to a retro person and see what happens with that.

[saffie]

He must be wanting help. Surely he cannot like feeling like this.

Saffie

[limbo]

I have suggested to him to go back to his therapist.

We have had some email convo this morning, he says he wants to continue with the retro, and wants to stay and be happy with me.
I asked him what he felt he was missing with me, he says he doesn't know, he needs sometime to get his head straight, and he needs to grow up.
So I did suggest that he should see his therapist, he said perhaps, and want for right now to talk about something else, so I will leave it alone for now and see what happens.

[saffie]

To want to continue with the retro is good.

Maybe it would be a good idea to talk about something positive for a bit to focus on why you want to be together.

He does sound like he does want to work at this.

Honey - you ain't anyone's second best. You have some faith in yourself.

Saffie

[limbo]

Thanks Saff!

But you know its hard not to feel like someone's 2nd best, when they hurt you so much!
He is supposed to love me and protect me, and for 16 years he did that, but in the last year has done the complete oppiste, and it so hurts to have the one person who is supposed to love you above all else hurt you like this.

Right now I am sitting at my desk and keep having little weeps, which just seem to happen! It just hurts so f**cking much!

[SDFoundGirl]

But where do we go from here, and why do I love him so much, I keep telling myself it didn't get physical, but hearing that someone else is his soulmate has really hurt!
I would suggest the retro people to him, but I don't think he would go for it! Not sure how to move forward from here, and i told him that we could get past this, but am I just lieing to myself?

Limbo,

My H was writing love letters to another woman--someone he works with--saying much the same types of things. H doesn't know I ever found those letters, but he does know I know about the feelings he had for her.

I won't lie: it *has* been hard to let go of the hurt, pain and fear involved, but we've gotten there. This OW is just a symptom of your H's pain and MLC. It doesn't make it less hurtful, but it does help to keep it in perspective.

Go ahead and make the suggestion for him to talk to the Retrouvaille people--what can it hurt?

SD

[limbo]

I will, but I am just going to give him some space right now, and let things rest for now, I think we both need this, we had being around this issue for the last 3 days, with the big blow out last night.
So I think right now we are both fried, and so alittle rest is in order I think.