WAW1978-Part 5

[waw1978]

Hey CVA

I know you said you & W have gone through this sitch a couple times before. If I remember correctly there was never any formal MC or IC involved. I think that makes this time very different.

For the record this would be my H's 3rd chance.

[waw1978]

Last night was brutal.

H initally backed down from his S request. Now he is telling me that my original list of complaints is growing. He feels that because I have worked through my anger that I should be attracted to him again. He says he is interested in being physical with me now but can't because I am not interested in him that way. I told him that years of rejection and hurt does not disappear so quickly. Just because I have worked through anger does not mean that those hurts are not still there. We then rehash all the issues that we were going to counseling for. When I tell him that I don't feel that we have addressed them all he accuses me of only remembering the negative things...I said maybe I am. Its hard to forget an H who rejects your physical advances for years, is critical, controlling and emotionally abusive. Forgive me if I think that 9 years worth of this resolves itself in 4 months. He got really angry when i told him that I could not turn my attraction on and off like a switch...glad it was so easy for him. Literally as soon as this started he was all...oh lets get it on if thats the problem. Still thinks this is all about that one thing. Nothing about how he made me feel like a bad wife, mother and housekeeper. We tossed around his comments about dating, taking off his ring etc. I was supposed to know that this was just empty talk. I told him that I worked through that and made peace with his choices. He is the only person in charge of his actions so why am I going to fret about it. He also insinuated that I was going to parade a flurry of men in and out of our daughters life which was another complete put down to me and a testament to what he thinks of me...I am somehow a bimbo. Great so now because he doesn't do it for me...I am going out and getting it on with every Tom, Dick and Harry that comes my way.

Then on to the separation & divorce section. H kept saying that S & D were the same things. I flat out told him that there was a difference. That I felt if we could continue in MC and he get IC to figure out why he has to act this way then the S could be temporary. He really wants to get out and date and "move on with his life" because now he wants affections and a physical relationship and if I am not willing he wants someone else. This just blows me away. He is talking out both sides of his mouth. Does he want me? Or does he just want to get laid? I mean he didn't even want me for years! Now he is in such a hurry? Whats going on here.

I told him that if we S for a while that maybe we could work through this and my spark for him could come back. But I couldn't gaurantee that. If he wants to go out and date and see what happens then go ahead. But I will be doing the same.

He then repeated that he thought that a legal separation was in order. I told him that wasn't necessary that our current financial sitch will stay they same and custody of our D won't change. I flat out told him that if he wants a D, then we are going to sell our house (take the loss or whatever), split our retirement accounts, has out a real custody plan for D and because he makes twice as much as I do he will probably be paying me child support. I do not want to be financially or legally tied to him after the D. I am perfectly capable of supporting myself.


I couldn't help but think of that phrase...Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?

So what do you all think? Did I totally flub this up or did I do okay? I didn't want to be bullied. I am not afraid of him and I am not getting back into an M that is not 100% fulfilling.

[PMA_Baby!]

Hi WAW - Sounds like a good talk. I wish my w was at the level that you are at. At least you are open to possiblities and know it's not going to be easy and will take work.

Have u guys u been to retroville yet?

Sounds like he might be open to it.

[Heimlich]

I'll let GD hit the control angles. In brief, I think you did real good. You stuck by your guns, stood up for yourself, held the door open in the face of some very demeaning comments from your H and told him exactly what you need to stay in the M.

I would like to hit your H with an actual 2X4 (or baseball bat or lead pipe or whatever is handy).

BD

[waw1978]

Heim

You will have to get in line! My brother and some uncles are all chomping at the bit to smack him.

[Heimlich]

We can play rock/scissors/paper for the smacking order.

Seriously, I'm continually amazed at your persistence and strength in holding the door open for your M to continue.

BD

[Not Much Left]

Waw
What did I miss, I'm in for a throwdown, I've got friends!

[waw1978]

I honestly do not know how much longer I can holdout. From where we left off last night it looks like we both might be going our separate ways for a while.

I am okay with that. I feel like I have put forth way too much energy and need to backdown and take a breather. Maybe go on another pub crawl with Mr Jason Statham look-a-like or something.

[chicki]

Waw,

Are you sure your H & my H arent brothers????

God they are so a like.......

I think you stood up for yourself just fine..now give it time to sink in that tiny pee brain...

Days later i tend to get a response back after some deep R talk..

[waw1978]

Maybe in someways Chicki. But he didn't leave me or fool around in anyway. He would have been happy as a clam with me sticking around forever taking his abuse and not having any relations. Just different sitchs.