Mkultra, thanks for your insight. It was dumb to smash the windshield, but it was done after I had left her house the first time. You are right, I have said that I may date others. Now, it is looking more probable. I refuse to share my wife with anyone. How many times does one have to beat a dog before it gets the hint not to come around anymore? If her seeing another man does not mean the marriage is over, pray tell what would? To me that is the most base of all betrayals. I am starting to think that W feels guilty about potential D and is being nice b/c of that. Not b/c she is unsure. I was born at night, but not last night. I may as well face facts as they are staring me right in the face. Perhaps W wants me to pull the trigger on the D filing and thus absolve her of all guilt. She may get her wish as I have reached the limits of my patience. I deserve better....
you do deserve better. No doubt. But your W is lost right now. She may or may not find her way back to you. And I know it hurts but her affair has nothing to do with you. So give yourself some time to absorb this bomb. Around here it's called the 48 hr. rule. Just live with it for a bit to see how you feel. I do agree that an A usually adds a tough dimension to db'ing. But many, many couples survive affairs and come out stronger in the end.
Me (36) H (42) M (12) S-8 D-5 SS-18 D Day (PA) 12/02 S 10/03 R 1/03 S again 9/07 I choose Joy.
Ginger, thanks for your input. I don't know if W is having an affair. Until I do, I will be under the assumption that she isn't, for now. She denied it when I questioned her about it. I accept her answer. I still maintain that if she is having a PA, it is over. If she is having a PA, it has everything to do with me. She will have chosen someone over me, breaking the promise she made to me the day we got married. Unforgiveable, period. I will not be made a fool of. I am just speaking for myself and I respect anyone who can work through an A. It's just not my way. I pray that she isn't having an A, but should I discover evidence to the contrary, I will end the M with a quickness and never look back. Deep down, I don't think that she is having an A. I know that the possibility is certainly there and that I am being willfully blind. I will no longer contact her. Should she contact me, I will be nice (maybe), but my contacting her is over and done and maybe the M is as well. Some say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Perhaps I am finally starting to wake up from the dream that we will get back together. This whole sitch is beginning to look like a bad infection that needs to be cut out to save the rest of the body. I apologize if I sound combative. I really do appreciate any input that someone takes the time to give me. I am most angry at myself......
Update: I have calmed down a bit. I don't think W is having A. She has had guy friends while we were married and I believe she would have told me if she were, keep in mind the papers have already been signed. I am so glad that I did not fly into a fit of rage. Talk about making matters worse. Anyhow, I think I will go into stealth mode for awhile and leave her to whatever she is doing. I can't worry about that b/c I have things that I want and need to do. I am cautiously optimistic. I am also considering setting an appointment with a phone coach. Anyone have any reccomendations as to whom I should request? Any input is greatly appreciated. Thanks
Update: I went ahead and had a phone coaching session with Laurie. She was very helpful and encouraged me to keep doing what I was doing as far as not pressuring W, not talking about marriage and acting positive and / or happy. She was able to see some things that I had not considered regarding W's behavior towards me. All in all I would recommend phone coaching as it helps to clearly define your goals, gain a different perspective and tweak certain behaviors increasing one's chances of success of busting a D.
An important point that Laurie made was that so often we tend to concentrate on what our spouses HAVE DONE as opposed to what they HAVE'NT DONE. In my case she stressed that W has not filed D papers although they are signed nor has she mentioned D either. Those inactions are positive signs that W has not resigned herself to a D. Laurie also stated the fact that I did not go balistic when a guy answered the door demonstrated to W that I had changed for the better. You never know when you will be tested. Although I know that there are no gurantees, I was encouraged by that insight. I believe that patience is the fuel that feeds the fire of D busting. Just my thoughts. Stay tuned I am sure there is more to come....
I wonder about staying focused? I find people on the forum in much worse sitches who have not thrown in the towel so why do some people give up? I think I will try that phone coaching before I inch closer to divorce also. Thank you for sharing the advice. My H and I have also not filed but I just figured it was because it costs over $300.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
I would definitely recommend the phone coaching. I have been to 2 counselors and the phone session was definitely more helpful than either counselor. I wrote down the issues I wanted to address as well as a history of events so as not to omit anything when on the phone. I called to schedule an appointment yesterday and was able to have the phone session the same day. I found it helpful and would recommend it to others.
HELP! I need advice and I need it fast. W's atty sent both W and I an email less than an hour ago asking if we are ready to file the papers. ARRRRGH! After purposely not talking about this, he sends this email out! What do I do? Do I call W and ask what her thoughts are? I do not want to bring the subject up. Maybe W put him up to this, but I do not think so as things have been going alright as far as DB'ing goes. Do I let her contact me? ANY INSIGHT WOULD BE HELPFUL.
Update: Well I did nothing. I did not call atty (who is W bro-in-law) and let him have it although he so deserved it. I did not call W. She can answer the email should she so choose. Actually I went to MIL house as she was sewing some patches on my uniform. She fed me some chili and it was good. But anyway we had a nice conversation with no mention of D or W. SIL showed up and she remarked about my new hairstyle. She approved. (Secretly I hope she relays this to W). Also I think I scored some points with SIL as I saved the front page of the newspaper the day her son was born (SIL forgot to have someone buy a newspaper) although W and I were separated at the time. I wonder if the atty pressuring for the D will have the opposite affect on W. Anyways, there will certainy be more to come.
Dazed, doing what you did was probably the best thing to do because you took control and didn't let your emotions control you. It's a big step and something you will have to work on every day and during every interaction. It's the only way to can gain complete control of yourself and your life. So good job.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
