Truly Piecing once and for all!

[ourcrisis]

HB, hang in there. There are bound to be regression sometimes. I see it in H when I tick him off. I have not been wearing my wedding ring because I said I won't until there are only 2 person in the R. But H has been wearing his. One time we argued and he threw his ring into the drawer. He said he wouldn't wear it since I am not in this M. I didn't say a thing. Two days later, it's back on his finger. What I am saying is watch your H. He may have his moments, or even OW may have called him. The point is if he can resist after the initial contact, or initial sadness and bounce back, it is OK. Act As If there is no contact, that he is only having a bad moment. Regardless of whether there is contact or not, he will see that you are supportive and give him strength to "fight the evil".

Take care.

[Heartbroken]

Thanks OC!

I know I need to start doing some serious DB'ing again - this is the tiring part. At this point I just want to feel some genuine love...patince, patience, patience. I know I have come so far to quit now...just tired is all...

HB

[LL44]

Hey hb, just checking in and saying HELLO to you. Hope all is well.

[Heartbroken]

LWB,

Hello,

I am doing just okay - we had a R talk (of all places the grocery store) and H has decided to write out all his issues (with me, the R...) and all the things he thinks about and bring it to our Retro weekend tomorrow. Not sure if this is something we should be doing (compiling a list) but at least he is thinking about things. We seem to have backslid big time and when I asked him if he wanted to D he said at the point he is right now (so sad and not connecting with me) he would have to say yes. It's always been that way - he has wanted to throw the towel in way more than I ever did. If the sitch were reversed and I had the A we so would be done - there is no way he would have gone through the pain I did...

Question to everyone who has gone through a Retro weekend - anything I should prep for?? Any advice???

I too am compiling a list for H - we sure will have a ton to talk about. I feel stronger this week - I was letting the fear of OW get to me and this I stopped. I am reading a Richard Carlson book - 'Slowing Down to the Speed of Life' and this is really helping to stay in the present moment and not stress about the future. It's out of my control anyways!!!

HB

[ourcrisis]

HB, so sorry to hear that you two are backsliding. Was there any details why he would want a D at this point? It seems that you two were doing OK, though he still cannot say ILY (which to me means that he is still not sure about his feelings), but then he was home and trying to work things out. That does not seem like it's going to D path. It would, to me anyway, that he is trying to commit buy not ready yet.
I had some clarity in my mind. It is the commitment that I am asking for at this point. I understand that H cannot let go of feelings for OW, not for a long time. However, if he is committed to M, and continue to work on it (with my loving support), the feeling will subside eventually. I talked to a coworker (male) who had a 4 year affair. Eventually they broke it off because OW could not see herself getting a D (her husband did not know about the A and family pressure would have been tremendous from her side) but she wanted a baby (bio clock ticking). So somehow they ended it. He told me it took him 2 years to get over the feelings (with no talking between them).
So, I think if your H is unsure because he still have feelings for OW, he somehow needs to realize that this is normal. The key is if he is willing to commit and work it out with you. But if H is somehow contacting OW again, that may means he is not strong enough to resist OW. That you will have to decide if you can continue to DB to help him to let go, or if you have reached your own time limit.
I haven't been to Retro and probably won't (not a H thing). However, I would say, keep an open mind and really listen to H. Good luck this weekend.

[Heartbroken]

Hello All,

Well I am happy to add some slightly positive notes to these boards -seems as if many of us out here had some rough weekends darn!!

H and I left Friday eve for our Retrouvaille weekend and what a weekend it was. We worked on things to 11 at night both Fri/Sat and got started each morning at 8:30 (breakfast at 7:30). There were 28 couples in the group and we got to meet a lot of nice people.

Overall our experience was positive. They have given us some tools to use in how to dialogue with each other and H wants to do our sessions each night without fail - even with our hectic schedules we can do them b4 going to sleep.

I don't think we actually resolved anything 100% but we both feel we have let go of a lot of fear that was paralyzing us. H still is not sure of if he can ever love me - but he did get the message that love is a choice.

I on the other hand have finally let the OW fear go COMPLETELY and I feel I can once again BREATHE for real!!! Wow, I feel lighter than I have in months. I am starting to understand his inner feelings and where he is at and it really is all due to his own internal conflicts not about feelings for OW. I am not sure where we are heading - together or apart but I know we are both willing to keep trying and we plan to attend all the post sessions before making any real life changing decisions.

I have faith in us - but either way we will be good to each other together or apart. My faith and patience levels have been restored and I actually look forward to working on things together - to try and get on the same page.

H says it's like we are both building that bridge over a river but our specs are off and we just cannot get each of our halves to meet in the middle. Hopefully these post sessions will get us even more on track...

Happy Monday everyone - I am thankful for where I am at. I finally feel a little (just a little) bit of peace and I saw a glimmer of hope this weekend!!

HB

[Sara]

Heartbroken,

I'm glad you had a good experience this weekend. It is hard at first, trying to make it better by yourselves. I remember feeling very lost at home the first week. The important thing is to do the dialogues every day. It makes a very big difference. We grew steadily stronger as time went on. The Post sessions help a lot.

[ourcrisis]

HB, I am glad to hear about the good weekend. It is a start and that's important. You give us hope.

Take care and take a break to breathe. OC

[lovelyolive]

Hi HB.. I'm sure you both learned a lot over the weekend.. stuff you can build on.. Take care of you

Do you mind if I send you an e-mail?

[Heartbroken]

Lovely Olive - please do!!! We have been at this together so long I am always looking for your updates!!

[e-mail]