I just went and read your blogg. It wasn't quite up to date - it ended on 18th Oct, but much of what you say I can relate to. It tore at my heart strings.
Please know that it can get better. That all those things you talk about are natural and you are brave and honest in stating how things are.
Also know that there is not always a right and a wrong. My H and I are quite competitive with one another and this is one of the things, (the right and wrong issue), that we have had to get our heads around. People are justified to have differences of opinion - it doesn't make one right and the other wrong. Sometimes both are equally right or wrong. If we all thought the same what a boring world this would be.
We change all the time and evolve. My H always thought that I didn't think too much of him pre his A whereas like you, I talked with ease and about my respect and love for him to other people. He just didn't hear me do that and if I did say those same things to him he didn't hear them. In fact he was so high up on a pedestal I couldn't reach him it seems - until he revealed his A and the pedestal crumbled.
I guess we tend to kick the person in life who is closest to us and who we have the most familiarity with. I am lucky that my H now realises this and whilst I try hard to no longer vent to him or snipe at him when I am stressed, ( I fail badly at this), he now tries to remember when I do falter that it is because I love him that I am able to release my frustrations to him and let him see inside me.
You take care saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Thank you to everyone for replying. And saffie for reading the blog, too. I must go to work now - another funfilled 12 hours away from home and family - but will try to get by tonight.
On a positive note, H came to bed late yet made sure to be touching me all night, legs or hands. NOT happened in eons, that kind of purposeful thing. This small thing is enormous encouragement to my heart, even if it means nothing, it gave me hope to get up today.
Theo, you're right. As always. Thanks.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
I'm taking the beating stick off your hands, stop blaming yourself!! just this morning I thought to myself "i'm trying so hard to be a great wife so my H could love me, heck, he has to love me for who I am, flails and all, I won't costume cut myself to his liking, this is who I am, I have changed and try everyday to be a loving person, but I won't bend all out of shape just so he can like me." I love my H, but he's a new person now, I"m trying to love this new person and it is proving to be a bit hard, not used to who he is now..HE isnt' used to what he is now, so it is difficult to try to accept a person who is still reinventing himself.
Set yourself free, you aren't responsible for his desicions, you stuck to him through the worse, when he hurt you and was in not wasy a person to love yet you loved him, I think you deserve the same courtesy, remember that.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
You and your husband are literally, soooo....close to fixing this, yet soooo....far.
I think if you each had your cup full of humor and joy, the interactions would improve.
Really they would.
Instead of focusing on what you are not getting from your husband, think about what you are getting.
Try this. For 2 weeks...writer down 3-5 things you are grateful for that day. Do this before you go to sleep. Make sure you write it down. It can be rather mundane: my husband picked up the kids and made things easier for me that day, the apricot jam on my toast, the sunset, my husband placing his hands on my shoulder. Do it every night for 2 weeks. You overall mood and PMA will increase. You'll smile more.
And as you PMA goes up, you might actually do that get a life thing. You might even get your groove back. And then you'll be oozing grace, and joy and self-confidence (rather, Christ-confidence). And guess what? You WON'T be oozing what you aren't getting from your husband. And that will make you very attractive. He'll want to touch you and ravish you.
On your husband's side. He's got to stop kicking himself in the ass about his mortal wound -- the affair. Once he's done that, he'll actually be able to get a good job. That will help him get his groove back. And then he'll want to ravish you, and you'll want to support him and love him.
In some sense, we all love to kick people when they are down. Don't know why, but it seems we do. You are both down, so you are both taking turns kicking each other.
How about this, instead of saying, "Stop kicking each other", which is logical, let me say, "Just get up." If you get up, he'll stop kicking you. If he gets up, you'll stop kicking him.
How that for trying something different? By the way, it's elementary Divorce Busting.
BI -- Get up.
It's what I've been trying to help your husband do.
Do it every night for 2 weeks. You overall mood and PMA will increase. You'll smile more.
And as you PMA goes up, you might actually do that get a life thing. You might even get your groove back. And then you'll be oozing grace, and joy and self-confidence (rather, Christ-confidence). And guess what? You WON'T be oozing what you aren't getting from your husband
OK Theo, you are on, I'll do this starting today, will check back the 7th with the results, and heaven help you if I'm not ravished by then
thanks for this post, needed a wake call instead of waiting for the faeries to make things andmake me happy.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. -Proverbs 14:1 NIV
Woe to you ... you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean.
Woe to you ... you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men's bones and everything unclean. -Matthew 23:25-27 NIV
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
