NikkiB #21

[NikB]

Hi all - thanks again for checking in!

Playing catch up at work this week so have been there really late and been pretty busy.

Agent
Thank you. I honestly don't know if I CAN do it, but I'm going to try. We shall see.

Hmmm type of decor... good question. I'm not much of a "decorator." I get inspired once in awhile and do a great job on a room, but most of the time I'm pretty boring in the decor department! My bedroom currently I did a beige microsuede comforter, with deep red (almost burgundy) curtains and pillows - curtains have almost metallic flowers embroidered in as an accent.

I have already decided that I want to use more color next time I paint. Whether that's here or in whatever new place I end up in - but I really want COLOR. I almost went for something bright in my "sanctuary" room but I think I want it more peaceful and tranquil. Sort of a spa-like feel. Dunno if that helps... hope it makes sense!

I may try to post a picture if I can get the color to show up well on camera.

Dave
Thanks. I hope I'm doing well.. I FEEL better so I suppose that's a good thing!

I thought about a cream or yellow color - thanks!! I didn't pick up any paint chips that color because I started doubting myself, so maybe I will go back and grab some tomorrow.

ST
Yeah it definitely is weird behavior! Continued tonight, too. I'm definitely focusing on me now, really and truly, and it feels good.

Thanks for the light yellow "vote" - I will try a paint chip and see how it looks!

OT
Jealous? I hope so... he seems to be drawing back into a depressed phase now, but I'm mostly ignoring it. I suppose I should be validating it but I find it hard to "validate" when he's being a jacka$$... so I am ignoring it instead. (example: tonight I was apparently supposed to feel sorry for him because he was "too old" to go out with his friends from work, who weren't even ARRIVING at this club until 10:30.... and I know damn well that at least two of the "friends" are the two EAs... uhh yeah, I'm sooo sad for you.)

Ooooh I LOVE that Monet/Impressionist curtain idea!! Do you have something specific in mind that you've seen?? I can kind of picture what you mean but haven't seen anything like it in real life so far - except shower curtains.. find it funny that the shower curtains are prettier than the regular ones I've looked at.

SD
Hmmm good point on the art work. I did find a fairly pretty beige... if the yellows don't quite work I may just go with that. I've chosen a couple of photos to make larger prints of and turn it into some wall art. Thanks for the idea!

I've always wanted one of those fabric boards with the ribbons that you can tuck photos into, too... either that or a magnetic photo frame. Just something easy to change out constantly. So I think I'll put that in there and put in photos of my family, friends, and latest adventures. Good reminders, I think. I don't know about Wolf Camera but we definitely have Aaron Brothers.

Also have a hallway full of family photos that are really outdated (including wedding photos of people who are now D'd)... maybe I will just recycle those frames!

L2
Thanks!! I appreciate the support. (and so glad you saw Donna's update too!)

GD
Thank you! Heck I'm confused where my heart and head are at right now.. I'm sure H is too - though it's a bit of a nice feeling that he might actually care where I'm at.

jak
Hmmm.. that's a thought. Actually one of the paint chips I brought home is sort of between the beige and the rust type color... it looks pretty good. I may even just buy a tiny bit of it and actually paint a section to see how it looks.

Glad you enjoyed the pictures - those were some beautiful nature shots eh? I keep staring at the ones on the fridge and I almost can't believe *I* took those pictures. I may have to go back soon to remind myself it's real..

ST
ooh that canvas idea sounds cool!! I even have canvas photo paper for my inkjet printer... maybe I'll play around with that and see how it looks. I am a techie geek and can spend hours messing around with photos on there, so could be a really fun project.

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Catching up...

I saw the new L today. Still kind of lame in terms of a pretty unprofessional office but SO MUCH better than the last guy (again, could she have been worse?). She was arguing with her cell company about some charge in between talking with me... but she was very knowledgable and she even ran my numbers through her computer to get some more realistic info for me.

I learned a lot of good news... well for me, not for H. I told her what some of H's arguments will likely be about the house equity and stuff and she very plainly told me "DO NOT give up any of your rights out of guilt, I can see you would be likely to do that." I said "Yes, that's why I'm here, I want to know what my rights ARE so I don't do that."

She was really sympathetic and urged me to look out for myself. Spent over an hour with me at no charge, so that was very nice. Didn't push me to file anything. In fact was really sympathetic in terms of how hard "limbo" is and told me not to rush anything but to take care of myself. She was surprised I was there and still living with H and said that was a strong move and showed I was really protecting myself. Hadn't thought of it that way. She said I probably prevented a lot of mistakes that way.

I hadn't even thought about this but technically all I'd "owe" on the mortgage if I moved out to totally preserve my stake in things would be half of the DIFFERENCE between what the place could rent for and the mortgage (I always thought it would be half the mortgage). Which in my case is all of maybe $50. And with our incomes, H would apparently owe me about $150 a month in "short term" support in between the time of filing and the time of a D being final. So effectively wipes out the difference plus H would owe me some. She suggested using that as a leverage point for something else (i.e. me keeping certain savings accounts or my whole 401k), rather than taking the support since it wasn't that much but would probably be a big deal to H to "have to" write me a check every month.

I would also be entitled to enough cash from the house equity that I could buy a condo or something with cash and not even HAVE a house payment. Hadn't thought of that. I could possibly even buy a house but with a bit of a budget strain - but it was comforting to realize I could probably buy a place of my own and totally own it!

She said not to bother getting the house appraised right now as it's based on the date when "division of property" is decided, not sep date, so it'd basically be a waste of money. She also said if we can get a couple realtor estimates and agree on a price we wouldn't even have to pay an appraiser so that was good to know. On the cars she recommended working on finding out what he feels is a fair price, and then if/when it comes to that hopefully we can just agree and not even get an appraisal on those. Dunno if it would really be that easy but.. maybe.

A few other things... but in a nutshell.. financially I will be OK. H can probably just barely qualify for a refi that's enough to buy me out of the house. His house payment will about triple if he does that... but I finally realized, that part's NOT MY FAULT or problem. He can get roommates, he can sell it, whatever... NOT MY PROBLEM.

Not that I am ready to file or anything, but it was just good to get the info. Tomorrow I'm going to put together a few scenarios / proposals.. the "hardball," the "likely/fair," and the "being too nice." That way I can have it firmly cemented in my head, in case it comes up or it comes to that.

She said (and I agree) that it will probably ultimately be my decision. The limbo is "working" OK for H. Funny enough a few friends told me the same thing over the last week. I kinda think they are right.

I have also finally started telling my friends at work (and some I've met via meetup.com) about my sitch and I am truly overwhelmed by the support. I went from feeling I had few options to now I have about a half dozen people offering to help me decorate, paint, pack, whatever... offers of furniture if I need it temporarily... 2 short term rooms in people's houses, 1 offer of a long term room rental if I want it... things like that. It's really been amazing. Why did I wait so long to reach out??? It's a bit tough because people want to trash talk H a bit - but the support has been totally amazing.

On to tonight.. I went to a birthday party with a meetup group I'm in. It was for a lady who recently moved here and has been feeling very lonely. She seemed embarassed at first but seemed to enjoy it later and said she's having a great birthday so that was cool. She has no family within 2000 miles and we (who've all met her 2-3 times) are literally her only friends - so felt great to do that for her.

I didn't tell H where I was going. When I got home (around 10) I was pretty non-chalant, did my usual happy dance greeting with the dog and then worked on some stuff in the kitchen. H made a little small talk and finally after a big sigh "So it was fun tonight?" (he didn't know where I was). I said "Yeah it was GREAT!" then talked some about this big party at work tomorrow... intentionally.. deflecting attention from talking about what I did tonight. He tried one more time "So where'd you.. nevermind.." and then got into this whole sob story about how he didn't go out with his friends because he's too old and they weren't even GOING until 10:30.

(Um yeah.. but *I'm* the reason you're old and miserable and unhappy right?? Even though I had ZERO to do with your decision on not going tonight???)

I just said sorry he didn't feel up to going out, and kept on with what I was doing.

As for my room.. Amazon shipped my closet setup 2 weeks earlier than their original estimate so it should be here Mon or Tues - hooray! Waiting on a call about the bed... and in the meantime I got some new cabinet knobs (the current cabinets are not only hideous but painted shut). Tomorrow I'm looking at curtains and maybe choosing some photos to get printed out as artwork. Picking up some yellow/cream/champagne paint chips to see how they look. Marking studs on the walls so I can install my closet myself (this will be HUGE for me). My goal is to be moved in by Nov 5... possibly a bit sooner or later depending on the furniture delivery, but that's my goal.