Fired b/c of an Affair? Redeemed Career Possible?

[believing_isaiah43]

cat, you resurrected my little thread. i think of ya'll, i'm just drowning here.

separation is back on the table, and i cannot believe i let it get this far. i remember grasshopper and toughlover posting about keeping the road home safe and smooth for the WAS, and i did anything but. he is over it, and truly has lost any hope that i can change. and i almost agree with him. almost. i hold out hope, b/c what else do i have w/out hope?

i think i sicken him on some basic level. he's uncomfortable around me, he doesn't feel safe with me, and i walk around the house the victim of ALL I'M NOT GETTING from him. and having a poor-me attitude outside the house over the last few years, in general. instead of being there for him, just as he is, and being his advocate outside the home. giving him good PR, which (as you know if you followed this sitch a while) he has needed.

and me in my selfish need to be the one who always Looks Good in any given situation, blew the opportunity for being a real Team member and cheerleader for H as a person. And he's a great person at the core. When the rubber meets the road, he is supportive and has my back with no agenda really. but me? I am looking out for myself, and only supportive when it's easy. when it's hard, i'm not.

and when he's actually 'up' about himself or having a good day or the potential to rebuild his world, i feel threatened. not needed. waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the 'i quit'. and i propelled all that into a self-fulfilling prophesy. because it's easier to never be vunerable, or a servant to the other person's soul, than to try to do it and fail at it. which is maybe why i could never figure out how to truly throw myself into the ring with him. probably nobody gets what i'm saying, but i have to say it anyway.

OMGosh, i wish i could be an exchange student for a year in the home of a Happy marriage b/c I have no idea what that looks like. I've never seen one up-close and day-to-day. with respect and support, even when it's hard, even in conflict.

We are almost 2 years out from d-day (12/2005), and i have never let him back up off the ground from this thing. i did not support him, really, only when it was beneficial to me, not just supported him as a decent human being. i'm selfish and self-centered, and while i love him, i haven't loved him in any way he's needed. it's affected everything, and here we are again. square one. fcuk.