Jane was the first one who came to my mind, especially with the comments about the guns.... which she does have deep, heartfelt concerns about them, and does find them a problem. When she was still living in her childhood home, her brother came out to the livingroom and shot himself, fataly wounding himself, in front of his Mom and sisters. I can truly understand her concerns, and sympathize with her pain.
However, I've been trying to keep an open mind, stop looking to Dick and Jane to blame (immediately). I guess my goal is to become as apathetic to them as I can be, so even when they are up to something, I could care less. I think it will help me find my warm and fuzzy center that I miss so much.... I want to be myself, just myself, and not someone else's projection.
I just want to be seen as me, and not the monster Dick has produced to transfer his responsibilities to for the things he has done himself, while sharing it with nearly everyone who will listen. I realize I can use the situation to my benefit, for Dick is truly eliminating people who I no longer need to seek a friendship with..... i.e., if they believe what he says about me, they can't see the real me, therefore, I really don't need to make space in my life for them. Judgemental? Maybe, but it is the only positive I can make out of the situation for now, so I'll pick it for now.
I know you are right, lovingly sitting back is my first natural instinct, YET, my impulse is to protect, help open the windows so that S can see what is going on. I don't want him lost in the world of darkness that Dick will create for him.... I know this world all too well, I know it took me a good part of three years to find my way out, and that's with adult coping skills (err, well maybe) and I don't want S to have to struggle the way I did. Although, I do deeply understand, to do this, would only wound and weaken S, causing him greater harm.
Yes, this situation is way out of hand.... had it not been for Dick's remarkable way of manipulating the court and using this same court to continue his control/abuse, he wouldn't have space in my/our life at all. It is only because of the rulings of this court that I am trapped in this vicious cycle, without a way out until the children are 18..... (check that, there are ways out, but, none of them legal....) Dick has the money, the need to control, and is having his way, just because he knows what to do. He believes/knows he is now invincible, will not get caught in his mountain of lies and can do what ever he so desires. The court has done nothing BUT increased his power over me, when it should have been the one place I could have found protection. He's always had the ability to look like a victim. It is so unbelievably text book, yet no one can see it but us.
It not only hurts like hell, it's hard to remained focused, and not fall back into the craziness, or believe I am crazy.... it's getting to me, and I don't know how much longer I can hold on.
God will give me the strength I need, as long as I allow Him to do so.
Take care of you, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........
