maybe, as you've been pushing and persuing a bit, then backed off and she's noticed, she's afraid you won't be able to keep the non-pushing up, and thus if you move out it guarantees she isn't pushed.
Is there a spare room in your house? Maybe you could move into that - REALLY move into it, take all your stuff etc, then be out a lot when she's home?
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
I would strongly advise you to stay in the house. I'm a firm believer that the spouse who wants out of the marriage should be the one to look for a new place to live. Now I understand that for financial reasons, this isn't always possible, but if you can afford to take on the mortgage yourself, you should not be the one to leave. Most lawyers will offer similar advice, especially considering the possible impact that leaving the family house might have on future child custody/placement matters.
The WAS doesn't get to write the rules or create a master plan by him/herself for the dissolution of a marriage/family.
Ideally, you and your wife can stay in the house together, so that she can more readily observe the changes you're making, the GALing you're performing, etc. The idea of moving into a separate room is a really good one.
just got home from being out of town all weekend with the kids. wife was frustrated because I didnt communcate very well what time we were coming home. so, she was in a grouchy mood. I also noticed she took down a picture of her and I in our bathroom while I was gone. I asked her if she threw it away and she did not.
So, we started talking and she said she was really frustrated that we werent moving forward. I said I was all about moving forward and not backwards. I told her I thought we had two great days together last week. She said, why...'because we got along?' I said thats a big component of moving forward. She doesnt really agree. I asked why we couldnt really work on any of our other issues? She said theres no movement because she is not in love with me, how could she possibly work on it. then, we got into a discussion on our schedules. She wants the kids by herself next weekend. I told her I was out of town this weekend and will be the following, but not this upcoming weekend. She said I could spend the weekend looking for a place to live. Thus...here came my bomb. She wants more space. I said I have given you tons of space and I offered to live in the spare bedroom and completely leave her alone. She said she absolutely had to live apart and this meant living under different roofs and it was frustrating to her that we werent going along with the plan I agreed to. I said fine. I have changed my mind. I havent talked to one person that agreed with my original decision and now if she needs more space, she's going to have to go get it. She really wanted to know what I was afraid of in leaving? I told her. She said then she's moving and taking the kids. I said fine, it's still 50/50. she agreed to that. Then she got into a dissertation about how I cared nothing about this house. yada yada yada. So...i knew it was going to be a fight and I'm sure theres more coming...I love this game and my new life.
I also think my kids have it figured out who the WAS is. they are perfect behavior with me yet really challenge my wife. tempers with my wife. I think its driving her nuts.
also...to make my wifes night worse, my d8 just threw the temper tantrums of all tantrums on her. w won't talk to me now and is really pissed at me. I have to say I am comfortable with it. its helping me detach right now. its going to be an interesting week. time heals wounds I guess.
I think you did great, T. REALLY great! Stick to your guns and keep up with your GALing and PMAing!!!
For future reference, just one thing you should avoid:
Originally Posted By: tostada
I asked why we couldnt really work on any of our other issues? She said theres no movement because she is not in love with me, how could she possibly work on it.
Her response here was really predictable. You were pursuing - she's not in a place right now where this will be successful. Time and patience, my friend!
Originally Posted By: tostada
also...to make my wifes night worse, my d8 just threw the temper tantrums of all tantrums on her. w won't talk to me now and is really pissed at me. I have to say I am comfortable with it. its helping me detach right now. its going to be an interesting week. time heals wounds I guess.
The way I read this was that your kids are ALSO not going to just fall in line with the MLC Master Plan. Be careful walking the line between supporting and loving the kids, and letting them get caught in the middle. Never use them as a weapon against her - in the long run, this hurts everyone much more than any short-term "win" you might feel.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
I told her I thought we had two great days together last week. She said, why...'because we got along?' I said thats a big component of moving forward. She doesnt really agree. I asked why we couldnt really work on any of our other issues?
I know you won't understand this b/c I don't understand it myself.....and I went through it. When I almost walked away from my H I remember feeling like your W feels now. I could not stand my H! I did not want to talk R or our M to him whatsoever. Anything along those line were pressure to me. That is what you are doing to your W everytime you want to talk about the R. It is pushing her futher away. If you will stop and think about it like that....maybe it will help you from going down that street.
Also, I might add that in the beginning of your thread you said that your W had probably went a long time with you not giving much attention to her and that the two of you had not had too much of a social life. Now....she has your undivided attention! That amazes me how we do that to our S. When we think we are on the verge of losing the one we love....then they have our undivided attention. But now....she doesn't want it. In fact, it makes it worse for you in the long run when you do pay too much attention to her. That was exactly how it was with me and my H. I did not want him watching every move I made or hanging onto every word I said. I resented the heck out of him, and she does you also. You wanted to know how you could detach while in the same house, well I can tell you that you can.....and you had better do it or you will loose any chance of getting her back.
Now, you say that she will be the one leaving. Well, you opened that door for her in you anger. I can't say that I blame you....I probably would have done the same thing, however, I wished you hadn't b/c now she will probably get things "moving" the way she wants them to go.
My advice to you would be to do some fast changing in yourself. You weren't seeing result fast enough and you got angry and now she is going to be moving. However, don't throw in the towell just yet. She will still see you from time to time, since you have the kids between you. So, use those few seconds to your good. Look and behave the best that you possibly can! She may not act as though she even notices.....but she will. Those few seconds or minutes will add up and hopefully she will finally realize that she doesn't want to give you up.
If she is in MLC, it is going to take time.....maybe a long time before she comes out of it. Can you wait it out?
Are you sure she is not involved with OM? This "friend" that she went away with for the weekend......are you sure that it was not OM? I'm not saying that they can't go through a MLC without having an A with OP, but more often than not it goes hand in hand.
Well, I haven't been very helpful, but I have tried to point out a couple of things to you. I hope you can wait it out T and that you won't let your impatience and/or anger get the best of you. She will be talking D next, so be prepared. Try to remain on friendly terms with her. You can do that by applying the DR techniques.
Keep coming here to post.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
I didn't talk r with her until she brought it up. I may have prodded a little bcause I could tell she was angry at me. I told her she should be the one moving out very calmly and without anger or emotion.
still don't think there is OM. she went on last trip with her sister. but of course I do have a sliver of doubt on OM.
I changed my course of action in asking her to leave because its her issue, she should be leaving. if she needs more space than I'm giving or offering than I think she should go get it. I'd like it to be more difficult for her than me. I think if I'm out its much easier to get comfortable and get rid of me. and, all the advice I was hearing and reading was why should I have to leave? so, if I did see some movement or progress in her thoughts, I would have maybe moved out.
shes obviously mad I have changed on what I said I would do. but hasn't she flipped on some big promises?
I am going to do my best to leave her alone and have a positive friendly attitude. but she doesn't care if we get along, its that she doesn't love me anymore. how do I get her to feel that again?
wife now saying she will move, I can have the house its not important to her, returned some stuff she just bought for house "its yours now", says kids are moving with her, shes primary care giver, yet we will share kids 50~50.
I think that shows a lot of anger. it shows her state of mind that its best to move kids out of house, and that I can have it. I think shes boiling over and I will stand back until it cools a bit. I guess the reality and difficulty of having to move out is hitting her hard.
