Hey WAW Yes, be prepared because this is serious, not about the "stuff" but about the future in general. The key is (note to self, listen to the following!) to not make it look serious while dealing withj it. Faking it or whatever, the calm "water off a duck's back" attitude always prevails!
C
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
You were are all right on the money here with my H just trying to control the situation. He was playing hardball over the weekend pushing for a formal separation agreement etc. Tonight was the night we were supposed to start the process of divvying our things up and now wants to talk about “US”.
Yeah, it looked a bit transparent to me the whole time, and caused me to be pretty suspect about his motivations/intentions. It just didn't make sense. Can you elaborate on what he said about talking about the two of you? Did he say something that led you to believe he wants to still work things out?
Pending your reply to my above questions, I would stay very cautious with regard to giving in to him easily. I would "act as if" and let him initiate any discussion having to do with working things out. If he does, I would hold your ground, stress your concerns, doubts, etc, to him about meeting one another's needs and having a better and healthy R together. If he really puts himself out there sincerely and admits that he has things he needs to work on, then I think this opens you up to a deeper R talk about what YOU need, and that you need to see H make a concerted effort to meet these needs over an extended period of time before you can begin to believe that his changes are genuine and that the R can be salvaged and a new slate cleaned for a better M. I'm kind of rambling here, but that's my opinion. I wouldn't be cold or distant, but I wouldn't be warm, fuzzy, and accomodating either. Somewhere in the middle (friendly, I guess) would be my suggestion. Just go with the flow, and be cautious about your responses. Feel him out well first.
At this point I am all for just getting the separation going to make him realize (not punish) that this is serious, game over the end unless he gets his act together and goes to MC & IC. I can’t make him…he has to go himself so I am not worrying about him anymore. Just worrying about myself and I need to get on with my life without his manipulating controlling ways.
Any harm in telling him this?
GD, what would have gotten you to wake up way back when you were WAW's H?
Please, please, please don't give in on something important to you just to accomodate him. Be strong. And, as CVA says, take this seriously.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
We hadn't talked since Saturday when he dropped his formal separation speach on me. So today during our daily updates about D4 he tells me that he got a feeling that I just didn't care about US because I didn't seem to be upset by the request. To which I responded that I had never mentioned moving forward with any legal actions, and that it caught be by surprise esp the way he seemed so set on it. This after a month of him telling me he was dating other people.
I don't know folks. I will have to wait and see what tonight holds. Bottom line I guess is that over the last several months and his refusal to get IC & continue MC I just might be over it. If he is still unwilling to work on those things then I am done.
I do not think he has made any lasting changes and frankly I am just not attracted to him anymore. Years of being put off by him have killed any physical attraction that was there. How can I all of a sudden want to be intimate with a man who basically hasn't touched me in 11 months? And it was quarterly at best before that?
Its sad but the MC told my H that I love him but I am no longer in love with him! I never used those words as I know how much they hurt but I guess thats now the case.
Of course I have doubts about ending my marriage but I have no doubt that this is not how I want to spend the rest of my life.
Me: 30 EX-H: 37 DD: 5 Separated 6/07. MC for months, EX-H quit MC. Divorce Final 8/14/08. Trying to move on with new life.
GD, what would have gotten you to wake up way back when you were WAW's H?
Her standing her ground, even in the face of me pushing a D through. In fact, that's largely what DID wake me up. I realized that I was facilitating the exact opposite of what I really wanted, and that my hopes/plans that she would get spooked into coming back were backfiring. I was like, "Crap! Now what do I do?" Sadly, at this point (when I started atoning for my past and recent mistakes) it was too late. W had made up her mind. I had sealed the coffin with the final nail.
WAW just needs to stay strong and "act as if" through this next phase, and make sure she doesn't let him come back too easily. He needs to realize that a serious, 110% effort on his part to change his controlling behaviors and open up more emotionally needs to occur before WAW will accept him back.
That's my opinion, at least. She needs to play hardball so he won't slide back into old habits and behaviors if let back in too easily.
Let's say you finally decided you were done with H -- just couldn't do it anymore and you were really ready to move on. Not physically attracted to him anymore because of how he has treated you over the past few years. He hasn't changed and is still being the same jerk that you walked away from. You've decided to go forward with D and it is on the way.
Then, during the D process you start noticing changes -- the kind of changes you had always hoped he could make. At first, you didn't buy them, but as the months rolled on and the changes continued, you started to think, "Maybe, just maybe..." yet still had your doubts. At the same time, he isn't pressuring you and is giving you all the space you need, is kind to you when the two of you interact, etc.
Do you think you would become attracted to him again and open up to another possible R with him again, or do you think that too much damage has been done and that you just need to move on, despite his obvious changes? If you did begin having a change of heart, how long do you think you would need to see those changes before you believed you could have a good, healthy M with him?
Do you think you would become attracted to him again and open up to another possible R with him again, or do you think that too much damage has been done and that you just need to move on, despite his obvious changes? If you did begin having a change of heart, how long do you think you would need to see those changes before you believed you could have a good, healthy M with him? GD
I don't want to give any of you LBS any false hopes here.
For me personally, I never believe that any real friendship ends. I think all relationships go through cycles. For me there is never a real ending so to speak. We may be done for now, but that doesn't mean never ever. I am not one to hold a long term grudge. I could be friends with any of my ex-bf's and no matter how big of an a$$ they may have been in our relationship...I would probably give any one of them a second chance. Probably not a third or fourth cause I am not an idiot. But do you see what I am driving at?
My H & broke up for about 2-3 years when we were dating the first time around. Both dated other people. Then bumped in to each other and before you knew it we were together again. He was a real tool about the first breakup too. But over time I forgave and forgot.
So some of you might be in this rut with your spouses. Sometimes you just need to step back. Build your friendship and see where it goes. You just never know...at least with girls like me, you never know. Damn Aquarius women
Me: 30 EX-H: 37 DD: 5 Separated 6/07. MC for months, EX-H quit MC. Divorce Final 8/14/08. Trying to move on with new life.
I don't want to give any of you LBS any false hopes here.
Saw right through my motivation, didn't you?
Quote:
Sometimes you just need to step back. Build your friendship and see where it goes. You just never know...at least with girls like me, you never know. Damn Aquarius women
If this POV is Aquarius-based, then I might have a good chance after all (being that my W is an Aquarius)! lol Thanks for your thoughts, waw. They have always been much appreciated. Hope the meeting tonight with H goes well -- can't wait to hear about it!
As for me...
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming...
Nice After "scanning" all this, I stumbled on your comment about giving ex-boyfriends a 2nd chance, but not 3rd or 4th. Crap, this is #4 for me.
I hear ya on the taking a step back and building the friendship thing though.
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
