There and Back, #10

[SallyM]

fearless, thank you so much for coming over here. I really appreciate your words of wisdom...they help. the listening is going to be hard, but its my main goal...that and not falling apart, of course. not arguing, not justifying, or pointing out where he is wrong/off base. going to just try to hear him.

mark, yeah, lots going on. just when I get all comfortable with the status quo, bam, a shake up. okay, no more passive morgan. need to be in control morgan...or at least the strong morgan, the morgan who knows deep down that my happiness doesn't depend on him. I do know that, but wow, is facing life without him/divorce hard. I feel way too wrapped up in him. I wonder if I weren't a sahm if I would be different? this is the life we both wanted for me, for us and our family, but wow, am I sitting here on the bad part of the fence now. (soo cliche, btw).

interesting you saying he has painted himself into a corner. I was wondering about that. he has been very verbal about how he is in love with her, about I'm a good person, just not the one for him, etc, etc. I wonder if he ever did change his mind someday, would he have the courage to admit he was wrong? even coming back would mean admitting he had made a mistake...would he? I'm not saying he ever will do that, but that great big if....would he?

definitely hitting the gym hard the next few days, that always helps me feel good about myself and such. and will plan to look good...and wear waterproof mascara just in case. although hoping I can save any major breakdowns for when he is gone. will need to make sure I keep a check on my temper and any kneejerk reactions, too. I do not, as a rule, have a bad temper, but I'm starting to develop a low threshhold for idiocy. kneejerk reactions, well, that's a bit tougher for me. going to do the bottled water trick, going to breath, going to take breaks and head to the bathroom if necessary (care, hopefully no banging my head on the sink...ouch). its all I can do. and will have my exit strategy in place as well.

thanks, dom. hopefully I will stay as calm and do as good a job as I can this weekend. time will tell.

H called this afternoon to check on things and I swear I talked a mile a minute. I think I'm nervous. (gee, ya think?) it was an okay conversation overall, though, he was checking on the kids and making sure I got his message about not coming by tonight. I acted as if to beat the band. guessing, yeah, he's confused by me.

I know everyone says I don't know what he's going to say, btw, but my gut is usually not wrong...and my gut is loud and clear here. but time will tell. and like i've said, the sun will rise/set on sunday, even if he does go for the divorce, or similar.