Help me thru this sitch

[Pudmuddle]

Thanks for responding DNOy. Ok, you're right I need to give more background here...As usual I am still very impatient with wanting things to work out quickly. So thanks for the reminder.{Breathe, breathe, breathe}. Ok, better...for the moment. :p I'll try to give a condensed version of our history:

About 6 years ago was when I started noticing our R changing. 2 years before that my husband had broken himself on a dirtbike and became dependent upon me to do most things. He had a broken collarbone, lungs and femur. Yes, ouch, it was bad. Anyhoo, he has always strongly valued being the provider and making for his family. (Even though I have usually always made more $$$) But this was a strong value for him and leaving it all to me, in addition to the post-depression symptoms people get from breaking bones, left him a different person. I obviously was not doing anything to reassure him at this point, didn't know how, and he and I began to withdraw. What had been fantastic sex now became mechanical, and I felt like I could've been just anyone.

So now come to the 6 years ago, I started what I thought was a mental affair with someone at work, Mistake#1. This guy flirted with me, exchanged emails, but when things started to get heavy, he morally stood his ground and said he didn't want part of it...I began the pursuit, pleading, begging, etc. Sad, now that I look back on it. I was craving attention and he gave to me, albeit quite one-sided, because he didn't want to go any further. I was also at this time going out more with friends and staying out to get attention. Also, I was going to school for my degree and was online and flirting online with people. In hindsight I now see that I was becoming very insecure and trying to build up through flirtations.

Two years later (4 years ago), my husband and I were continually arguing, fighting, I told him I wanted out, but he would have none of it. I finally told him about the mental affair - Mistake #2, I think now just to shock him into telling me how he feels about me. We THOUGHT we got through this episode, but then 8 mos later he suggests that we try "swinging". It took me by surprise, but I was ok with that, and agreed if that was what he wanted then I wanted to try it with him - Mistake #3. Well, I at this time met another person at work (Divorced, male) and my alien husband met someone on one of the swinger sites (Then married, female). He started going out with her (by himself - were we really swinging together??) and I started to pursue this guy at work. From the first moment he went out with her, he enjoyed himself way too much, he took her to dinner, spent time walking around with her and of course the sex thing. These were all things I longed for from him!!! My DB coach told me if he fell for the first person he met he really was NOT prepared for the swinger lifestyle! Plus he always got jealous of what I was doing while I was out, laughing and having fun with people. So we would argue over that.

After a few months of this, I couldn't take it, plus the guy I was with was an emotional rollercoaster and immature (not that I wasn't at this point). I told my H that I wanted us to make our marriage a priority and he needed to stop seeing her for awhile, so that we could focus on us. He agreed to this, but never REALLY agreed to stop communicating with her. Hmmm. So give us about 5 months from there and he tells me he has been seeing her secretly.. so of course I blow up and demand that he works on us. This course repeats itself twice more, with me trying this last time, but him really never fully committing to us. So this last time, he says ILYBINILWY and I love her and blah blah blah. He wants a divorce, but wants it to be peaceful and happy through a mediator. I think he totally expected me to kick him out, and I said" that's ridiculous, we have a perfectly good empty room here". Then he sends ME the info on the divorce mediator and wants me to set it up. What the heck?? He wants me to do all the dirty work! Then he also made a grand effort to tell his parents and brother and sister and all his friends that we are going to divorce. I never agreed to that, and don't want too.

So now he has seen OW for about over a year off and on every 3-6 months and it no longer makes me crazy. He needs to do what he needs to do right now and I cannot control it.

So this last time I needed to find something to help me and I did. DB!!!! It has been the best thing that has happened to me in YEARS. I have grown up considerably in the past two weeks, feel better about myself and now can rise above the situation and see the whole picture instead of my own self-absorbed ugly little world.

So DNOy, I will try to be happy this weekend and maybe even take my son out somewhere while he is out being irresponsible, LOL. We will be happy. I know there are hard times ahead still but I think the sudden shock of feelings that comes on like a bull in a china shop, are just overwhelming sometimes! Thanks for your kind words.

Joan