Rollar Coasters are no longer fun

[Dom R]

Then he got on the phone and told me he has decided it is over with us, he wants a divorce and he wants to be with the OW and their baby on the way. I simply said ok if that is what you want then you can file for divorce because I will not. He said you know I can't afford it and I said then how can you afford an 8th child and he hung up on me.

I think you handled that perfectly

Amy.. keep in mind, that he is, medically speaking, "nuts".

he is literally in a nuthouse.

So, I dont think you should take anything he says now, as any kind of rational, permenant thing

[Dom R]

now that I've read more...
totally agree with what ediemarie said. just listen.

Also... go see him!

It will really mean something to him, that you came to see him.

I remember reading about someone, who went through just horrible, horrible things with her husband... things finallhy straightened out, or at least started pointing in the right direction, when he got himself in hospital (car crash), and she was the one who came to see him, not OW.

Make no mistake... this may not be "the magic bullet". Things will still be very difficult for you. But I'm confident that you going to see him, is the best thing for you to do.
if you have to take a vacation day, and pay for an extra night's hotel, to get to see him.. id' say it was worth it.

(usually the airlines are very flexible about changing flight dates for this type of thing; mixing personal trip with business trip.)

[BryanS]

I couldn't disagree more. Hospital is one thing, mental hospital is another thing, especially after the umpeenth suicide threat/attempt. H has shown is is incapable of functioning like an adult, at least right now. Therefore, I don't think the normal ideas of what is positive apply because those ideas assume there are two somewhat reasonable adults involved.

It's a catch 22, sure. He'll call you controlling if you go and call you uncaring if you don't. I suggest telling him the next time you talk to him that you really do want to see him but that you don't trust him yet. He's said and done a lot of things to hurt you in the very recent past and you just haven't sorted them all out yet. Therefore, while you continue to support and care about him, you're just not ready to see him yet because not enough time has passed since he last hurt you for you to trust that he won't do it during your visit.

Besides, what's the upside if you do see him? Best case, he tells you how much he loves you and misses the family and that he's leaving the OW. Would you buy that or would you feel like sure I've heard that before? Worst case, he curses you and you leave crying. Either way, I'm betting you walk out of there feeling worse than when you went in. Not what you need to keep your PMA going, IMO.

[Dom R]

The thing is, it doesnt matter what he told his EX-wife.
there is no mandate that he tell her the truth.
there is no mandate that she tell Amy the truth.
There are a whole host of reasons that he may have chosen to lie to his ex-wife about why Amy would come to see him.


The most important thing, is that he actually asked Amy, directly, if she would come see him.

he's in a way nastier situation than regular hospital, in some ways. He needs an anchor to the outside.
My opinion, is that it is even more important that she go see him, since he asked.

If he did NOT ask, then I would say the opposite. I would in no way suggest just turning up there, given his mental state, otherwise.
In contrast, if he was in a physical accident, "just turning up" once, might be warranted.

Yes, odds are, something he will say to her at that time, will hurt her. whether deliberate, or unintended.

Thing is though... for long term, "i care about you as a person, I care about having you healthy and well" purposes... I think it is still important for Amy to go see him as he requested.

[Amy]

You both have valid points. I am just trying to see what I should do. He just called me again. I confronted him about what he said to the xwife. He said that he doesn't remember them even discussing it. (Always his way out, his bad memory) Anyway, he told me that his counselors told him that the OW was a bad idea but that he is in no way rational enough to make a decision right now so they thought he should just leave things alone with her atm. He did call me though on his 4:00 phone call not her so that is a plus. He told me he was reading his bible and really trying to do soul searching as to who he really is. He even said that his counselors said we are co-dependent on each other (DUH I HAVE TOLD HIM THIS THOUSANDS OF TIMES) and that we needed couseling.. (HELLO DO I HAVE TO HAVE A DEGREE TO GET HIM TO LISTEN). He said he would consider counseling but he still has 21 days left there best case scenario so he is really trying to get better.

I can only pray he does. Now on another note.

I am furious with my childs school right now. My S9 has bipolar and is really struggling right now with his identity(he has always been called mini-H) so he is hurting because while he loves his dad he hates what he has done to me so it is a flood of emotions and negative thoughts about himself. He cries a lot in class and has a hard time doing work so two days in a row they have sent him to the principals office to do his work and said he is using his home issues as a crutch and they can not tolerate it.

I have a meeting at 9:45 tomorrow morning but I am livid. His dad only left 11 weeks ago and we have only been in this state for 3 weeks. He is a bipolar child in a new school, in a new house, in a new town, and without his anchor, his father. I don't even know what I am going to say tomorrow but I am so mad I am glad I have 17 hours to cool off before I meet with them.

[ediemarie]

Hey Amy -
Hugs. If it's not one thing it's another. If you can, request to have the school psychologist there when you meet at school. If you have any paperwork that diagnosis your son, bring that too. They should be able to work with you and your son during this time not burden you more - we see this all the time in my school and allowances are made all the time (and I teach on the high school level.)

In regard to visiting your H, I too see both sides of that issue. My gut says, go see him - but not for yourself - for him and for the future of the relationship the two of will have to have for the sake of your kids (regardless of whether or not you stay married). IMO, you do not want to be in the position where anyone can say (including yourself) that you didn't do what was needed to save your marriage or help your H. That being said, do not go for the sake of working out your M, go because a sick "friend" asked you to go. You don't have to stay long - 5 minutes maybe, but just show up. Don't give yourself enough time there to discuss anything or get accused of anything, say hello, get well soon, call me when you're better, the kids miss you, bye.
Hugs

[Amy]

Thanks Edie, I am working out how I will get there and then i will go from there. It is about 2 hours from where I will be so I will have to borrow the bosses car. I am seeing what I can do and I will go from there. When he calls tonight I am going to see his tone before I make my final decision.

[Amy]

I am off to Florida! I will let you know how it goes.

[Dom R]

He even said that his counselors said we are co-dependent on each other (DUH I HAVE TOLD HIM THIS THOUSANDS OF TIMES) and that we needed couseling.. (HELLO DO I HAVE TO HAVE A DEGREE TO GET HIM TO LISTEN). He said he would consider counseling but he still has 21 days left there best case scenario so he is really trying to get better.

heh heh... sorry, you may as well choose to see the humor in this one

Amy.. you have a lot of frustration, and understandably so.

hang in there... do nice things for you... and let God and his "people on the inside" do the work now

it sounds like your H is finally in a place that is quiet enough for him to listen... and he has found people that he is actually capable of listening to.
Just give it time, and keep doing what you have been doin
(and go see him )

PS:

(HELLO DO I HAVE TO HAVE A DEGREE TO GET HIM TO LISTEN)


Perhaps not... the main thing is that you have to be "someone other than Amy, his wife", unfortunately

it's good that he has now found someone who fits that description, to talk to.

May he continue to listen.

and while he is doing HIS listening... may you then feel free to let go of that worry from your mind, so that it will be clearer to listen to what your son is trying to tell you.

Peace

[Amy]

He didn't call yesterday at all. I was hoping if nothing else he would leave a message on my phone but he didn't. So of course I didn't sleep a wink last night and all I can think is he talked to her and changed his mind. My own mind is my worse enemy. I hate it.