I had friends over last night for great wine, music & light conversation. Such a different atmosphere than most recent times spent w/H, so maybe if I lightened up it would help also.
That sounds like great fun! Good for you. Yeah, let's put lightening up on the goal list for sure.
Originally Posted By: warm&sunny
I guess maybe a combination of happy/light, authentic, yet detached?
That's a tightrope! Happy and light is a bit hard, considering our talks are almost all about the kids right now. Ugh. How about mature, calm, and accepting?
Originally Posted By: warm&sunny
Hope the talk with the kid C went well.
It did go pretty well. We both liked her. On the way there I was telling H the things I wanted to cover with her: the talk, how/when/if to introduce the kids to our romantic interests, etc.
H started making his case for why it's no big deal for the kids to hang out with him and a date as long as he's not showing affection, etc. I disagree pretty strongly but didn't argue, said things like, "Hmm, yes, let's get some ideas from her about that..."
H did say one thing in the car that made me see those antennae again: "So let's say you're interested in this guy, and I'm going to assume it's a guy..." I thought, you know, a lot has changed recently, but I think it's probably safe for you to assume at this point that my sexual orientation remains the same. Dolt.
So the C said essentially, tell the kids a max of 3--4 days before H moves out, say "We have something to tell you" (not "something sad to tell you"), keep it short and sweet, give them reassurances, tell them facts about who'll be where, where papa will be, etc. She said they shouldn't see him moving out, and kids' books about separation should only be read to them after (H had thought some prep before the talk might be good; she said, nope, anxiety-inducing). She said it's fine for some of his things to stay in the house (jackets, shoes, etc).
She also said that since there's some tension in the house and the kids are beginning (ha) to notice, H needs to get his butt in gear and find a place.
A couple days ago our 7-year-old announced he likes his bed (usually the kids and I sleep in my bed; he's slept in his maybe three times), so now papa, little kid, and I can sleep in the big bed again. Ouch.
Re dating: She said basically the kids derive absolutely no benefit from casually hanging out with people we might be interested in, so why do it? ("Time! Time! He doesn't have any time!" I was thinking, but H held his tongue.) She said they pick up on a lot (was absolutely convinced from what we told her that at least the oldest knows something's up), and that could cause some insecurity, questions, etc, that just doesn't need to be.
She said the kids are forming their ideas about what romantic relationships are, and what do we want to model for them? (I was pretty sure we'd lost H there, but he didn't react or say anything about it after.) She said when it's a SO, that's the time to introduce the kids. If it's platonic, fine (hello, COW).
So that was that. On the way home I told H I appreciated that he gave me time to come to terms with this before having to help the kids do the same. He said, "Right back atcha" or something.
H suggested it might be good for the kids, especially post-talk, if we spent an hour with them (the four of us) in the morning before work, then when it's one or the other's night to go out, that the four of us spend an hour or so together before one leaves, and that we go out to lunch or dinner on the weekend together sometimes. I agreed and was pleasantly surprised.
I couldn't help but think, if we'd done that a year ago, we might not be here. Ironic that we're planning all this family time together now.
And I'm a little bit irritated that after telling me he needs all the nights this week because he can't do apartment hunting with the kids around, last night he went for drinks and to a movie with friends.
It's a gorgeous day. H has taken the day off work to look for a place, and I'm taking the kids to my sister's for some outdoor fun.
