He's on Match.com

[Trixi]

What am I thinking? Of COURSE I can exercise.

H just called to talk about the car sitch. Everything was friendly. We talked about about DD and my mother and some issues. No R talks. Just a normal convo. He apologized for not calling or emailing earlier; he's been swamped at work.

So, things have quasi-stablized.

[SallyM]

agent99, seriously, do something other than a gym for exercise. lots of people hate gyms...I think you have a fairly good track record of hating it. to me it sounds like joining one is settign yourself up for failure.

do something that feels like fun to you, not like work. take dance classes, do outdoorsy stuff...hike, bike, rollerblade, ice skate, snowshoe, cross country ski, kayak. whatever the season is like where you are.

[Trixi]

I think you have a fairly good track record of hating it. to me it sounds like joining one is settign yourself up for failure.

Thanks for saving me from myself.

Of course, the Pacific NorthWET isn't always the best place to do outdoorsy things in the fall; very hit and miss weather wise. Beautiful out today, though.

I have tried at home DVD things; I get bored so fast with those things. Thanks for the ideas; I'm going to research.

[oldtimer]

99,

If boredom is a problem, have you tried Curves?

[Trixi]

Thanks for stopping in OT. Yes, I did try Curves and it didn't stick. Of course, growing up I used to think about how silly we (Humans) would look if the Aliens came down and saw us in a roller rink where we strapped wheels to our feet and aimlessy skated around in a circle and sometimes we would get to go in Reverse or do a Snowball.

Despite my circular thinking, I am more of a linear person.

[SallyM]

agent99, trek over to ems or rei or someplace like that and get yourself some good raingear...then nothing will hold you back! it can be fun even just walking in the rain. get out, get the endorphins up, remember what its like to PLAY. exercise does not have to be work.

[Trixi]

Good Id'er.

I got my bike down from the garage wall this afternoon, filled the tires and went around the block. and then dashed off to my appointment. So, that's *something*.

I hope that I am not about to set myself up for accepting the total demise of my marriage because I didn't lose weight.

[mkultra]

Wasn't REI and North Face like invented in your parts? I remember going to that huge REI and Seattle and I felt like I was in Nirvana!
haha.
I just made that connection that the band Nirvana is also from Seattle!

Glad to hear you had a good convo and that the H sounds positive. I guess at the heart of it all, he is still your best friend, eh?

[Trixi]

Glad to hear you had a good convo and that the H sounds positive. I guess at the heart of it all, he is still your best friend, eh?

Yes, at the heart of it all, I think he is. Pretty much what I want (if I really want it) he will support me in (with the exception of the marriage, I guess.) I wanted a nose job, he made sure it happened. I was the one that got the first new car, years back. He supported me in staying home with the kids. He supported me in my personalized ceramics business. He supported me in getting my real estate license. He has supported me in my bead business. And then with the house thing--I am sure if I had said I REALLY wanted to move there, it would have happened.

He has said the "we got married for the wrong reasons" speech; BUT he has never said "I don't love you"- and he always maintains "I love you a great deal, I will always love you." "There is no question that I love you."

Why we can't somehow put this together is so odd to me.

[Dom R]

heya.. was out yesterday

Regarding "telling" him about getting in shape; actually probably a bad idea. In the past 12.5 years, I have joined (and quit) gyms several times, with years of not going in between. He has a membership to a gym thru his company, but he doesn't go to that and he is a little doughy in the middle, so it's not like he is Mr Universe.

I'm gonna echo what Nikki said: there seems to be an overly large focus about him... in an area that is primarily about what YOU are going to do. Yes, it is motivated in part for him. but his actions, shouldnt be a factor. Whether or not he goes, shouldnt have any impact on whether you go.

I don't know what the solution to that. I wish there were a magic pill that would make it seem fun to me.

I'm gonna draw an overly broad comparison here to something

Marriage: Why does it exist? Because if we left it up to the motivation of, "I'm gonna stay with this person, just so long as I enjoy it"... no-one would stay with anyone for the long term.
On the flip side, if you are committed to being with someone... then when it starts not being fun, yet you KNOW you're gonna still be with them... ideally, you are then motivated to make it more fun.

I think you are in the same trap with excercise. but without the commitment. It sounds to me as though you have allowed your "commitment" to excercise in the past, to be, "I'll do it, so long as it is fun".
Finding something fun as your excercise, is a great thing. It helps a lot But I dont think it should be the determining factor in whether or not you do it in the first place.
Doesnt it make more sense, to be motivated by "I need to do this, to take care of myself, and to take care of my marriage" ?

I think that if you decided, "I am going to reserve [1 hr?] every [Tues?] and [Saturday?], and I will do some form of excercise during that time... then you will stop thinking along the lines of, "is it still fun? can I stop now?" and you may be able to focus on DOING it, and not quit.

You would also be more motivated to follow the path of, "Hmm, well [kickboxing] is no longer fun... maybe I'll try volleyball next time as my excercise" instead of,
"Hmm, well [kickboxing] is no longer fun... i'm going to just stop excercising now"

Anyway, I wonder if he had also lumped gyms into that, but didn't want to bring it up...

I will almost guarantee that he has, in his mind.

Maybe we need a month or two of no contact (visually) so I can get on the ball, lose some weight and shape up and the difference would be obvious.

Agent... Do you really think that your 3 months of separation have been a "good thing" for your marriage?
I would classify it as something that "isnt working", myself.
What has worked, in my perspective, was when you spent more time together, not less.

How about you avoid stuff that "isnt working", and stay open to what is working?

To be honest, he probably wont believe you will stick to it, if you tell him you are starting an excercise program now.
HOWEVER:

If you tell him,and also show him that you are doing it when you say you will.. that will give him pause enough to wonder, "will she actually stick to it this time?", and probably wait and see if you do. (rather than go on more dates)

A month of him dating other people, could do serious harm to your marriage.
Another month of "limbo".. is painful, but not so damaging to your marriage.

That is why I am suggesting, "start now, tell him now", rather than do it in secret for a month.

There's this really silly tradition of "surprise parties" in america. where you pretend nothing is going on, and then give a big party for the person.
Personally, I think that is dumb, and I would far rather know something fun is coming, and enjoy anticipating it.