We didn't argue much either. All the while I was politely seething in form not unlike a black hole, as I planned my divorce.
My point to you is this. You have expressed a concern to her. Since you are a couple, it is now her concern too. Leaving a book for her to see might make her mad, and it is her prerogative as to her reaction at the discovery, but it also makes it very clear that you intend to persue a solution. You might consider reading it in front of her, but restrain from commenting on the book, unprompted.
I would leave the book lying around for her convenience. While she might disappprove outwardly, given a little while alone, I should think that curiosity might cause her to have a quick read.
These are just suggestions. No one knows your realtionship like you do, but you really have to lay aside your analysis when it comes to sex, or the reason things have digressed to the point that they are. If you had a real clue as to why things are the way they are, then you could have taken action long ago to prevent the very challenge that you are facing. The fact is, you have missed it somewhere along the way. So did I. So did many of the people frequenting these forums. You have to present opportunity (possibly many) to discuss the issue, but that will have to be on her terms, and in her time.
I know you are hurt and mad. I was too. I could still find myself in that same boat if I didn't keep my anger in check, even though my wife has made it very clear to me, anytime, anywhere - she is willing. It will take a little while for me to get past years of resentment. It may take years for my wife to get past feeling "left out". The important thing is that the veil has been rent. The once shrouded interplay of pensive attempts at resolving a relationship is now clearly in the light of day, visible with all its scars and signs of age. That may sound ugly, but you can work with something that you can see. You can fix it up, paint it, heal it and make it better again. You can't do that with issues still shrouded in darkness and only whispered of.
You may have to change first, before she can. She may be hurting as badly as you, and dealing with it in a different way. She may be mad or hurt and using sex as her only defense against a perceived wrong. She may not even know that she is.
At least one of you has to be sane in order to solve the problem. In my situation, my wife was the sane one, even though she was the problem (as I saw it). She had already decided to be whatever I needed sexually, and I didn't even see it clearly enough to give her a chance before the old "Mr. Mean" took over.
You can get through this. Your marriage is worth saving. Your situation may change rapidly or slowly, but the very fact that you are aware that there is a problem AND a solution, has already permanently altered the course of your relationship. It is up to you to sail a true course during your time as captain.
Hang in there.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
