My situation has improved dramatically, and I think, permanently.
After I got over my "mad" (see above). We had a relatively short discussion. My getting angry and very distant, really hurt her feelings. That was not my intent (and even when questioned by her about it during the episode, I declined to explain why I was in situ). So when it came up later, I told her the truth. It was the sex "thing", but that was not all of it, only a symptom of a larger problem in the making. I explained that I needed her to need me, that I wanted our friendship back.
We used to be friends AND lovers, with history. Now we were just friends. I also told her that I didn't really care about the semantics of the physical act, rather the act being an expression of the relationship.
It seems to me that a good relationship results in sex acceptable to both parties. If part of the relationship is missing, then it is obvious, that will affect the relationship as a whole. I have known couples that had great sex, as often as they wanted, and their relationship was visibly falling apart.
She needs me to be loving and attentive. I want to be. Now she knows that I need her (more than she was aware) physically. She was, as I suspected, feeling terribly inadequate sexually. She thought that I needed a "wild woman" or for her to be the equivalent of a "monogamous nymphomaniac" and had no idea how to proceed. Also the thought of having to "act" was very uncomfortable for her. I explained to her that all I ever wanted was my lover and friend back. This is the truth.
I am convinced, as is she, that simply returning to caring, and loving each other will result in the proper proportions of real love that we share. Our time together is already much better. I like this woman! I married her because I wanted to be with her.
Sexual frequency is not so much of an issue now. There is one simple reason. Willingness. That's it.
Rotten days, flu, oral surgery (insert how your day goes bad here) all tend to dampen spirits on occasion, but if your spouse loves you, and is willing, then the formerly sex starved partner can say "that's alright, we can wait until tomorrow", and mean it.
Rumors are stirring that I might get a suprise wake up call in the middle of the night real soon. Now it is hard to sleep. I love that kind of wake up call!
I have my lover back. She also happens to be my very best friend and has been for a long time. We might not swing from the trees, but I bet we can find some interesting new things to try.
LL, I hope you get your best friend and lover back soon. Remember your history together. It is worth saving.
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
