Since I do have 17 years on you, I can tell you something that I have discovered. History, with someone that you love, is hard if not impossible to replace.
Your husband may be in or have had an affair. He may even be dumb enough to think that she fills some need. I will tell you this. When he awakes next to her, he doesn't see you, and chances are, he would rather see you. He would rather it be you. He probably doesn't know how to merge wants and needs into a cohesive form that he can present to you for fullfillment of your part of his self image. Women don't seem to have that problem. Their problem seems to be getting their spuses to notice that there is relational work to be done :-)
My wife and I are having some difficulty. I can't be sure of how it will resolve. I do know that we have history together. Lots of it. Trials and trouble, good times and plenty of bad ones. Heart breaks and joys. I strongly suspect that our problem will get resolved. My regret is that it has taken this long to even be identified. So much time wasted that we could have been building more history, bedroom history. On the other hand, what an exciting period of history building is ahead of us!
I have had plenty of opportunity to play. I have travelled widely over the years.
At least with my pre-marriage history, I had experienced what it is like to be a "player". I have to tell you, it is a pretty empty existence. Every guy wants to think he is the ultimate gift to women and completely irresistable.
Some guys (and girls) decide to test out their attractiveness during their marriage. There are a lot of reasons why. To feel good, to prove yourself, (insert your own list of reasons). Doing this in the middle of a relationship is not at all uncommon. What matters is what the spouse does in response. I have seen the responses in our friends run the full gambit. Everything from divorce to partner swapping resulted. Those that survived the "itch" basically shored each other up in their need to be "appreciated" for a lack of the proper term. Lest I be unclear, the partner swappers ended up divorced as well. It is not an option.
I suspect that your husband's needs are definable and addressable. When is the last time you got him all dressed up and showed him off? Or maybe talked about what a great lover he is in front of him, to your friends? Maybe he has a need to be "the stud" right now (even if he isn't). Guys have real emotional needs just like the ladies. Current media politically correct pressures tell marriages that we are all equal physically, spiritually and emotionally. While we are equal in rights as human beings, any grade schooler will tell you that the rest of that equality is total bunk. When is the last time he rescued you? Does he have a chance to be a "man" around you? It could be that what he really needs is actually pretty simple. Guys are like that for the most part.
Using myself for an example. I am a very complex man. Intelligent and demanding, with high standards and expectations. What I need from my wife is so simple (thanks, Michele). She needs to want me naked. I hate to admit it. A complex compelling argument outlined with thousands of words would seem to be more substantive. But the simple truth, I need her to need me - sexually. We really do have it down on most other relational fronts. I would bet that your husband needs something simple from you, just like you do from him. Do you know what it is? If not, I bet you can figure it out.
I don't know what to tell you, but from your posts that I have read, there is something there with your husband. If it is just history, that is something very real to build on.
Please don't take my questions personally. They are not personal. I don't know you, although you sound like a fascinating person and someone I would enjoy knowing.
I am no counselor, only an observer. It does seem to me that logic still applies, even where emotion is invlolved. Each of us needs to be appreciated for what we have to offer. Sincere appreciation is flattering, but not empty like flattery. Appreciation can build up an individual. An individual that is sure of his or her standing with another finds the truest form of security. Secure individuals can more readily take the risks inherent with loving, and being loved.
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
