Monkey on a string

[NOPkins]

Thank you for your kind words.

I am sorry that your situation is so hard. I can't imagine how badly you are hurt. I surely don't want to know first hand. I wish your husband could have had a fight, yelled, screamed, pleaded or done something about the issue that was driving him crazy. As it is, you probably had no clue. I can
believe that now, having read Michele's book. I know guys are dense when it comes to understanding female emotion. Hell, we can't even understand our own. Before listening/reading what she had to say regarding sexual issues, I wouldn't have believed that a partner in a relationship, and I mention females here because the problems addressed in Michele's book do largely relate to the feminine side of a relationship (exceptions noted), could have been so blind regarding her husbands simple emotional needs. Unfortunately, as you have discovered, we males are emotionally ill-equipped to let you ladies know when our feelings are hurt. I can still hear "walk it off, son" or "give it some time, it will quit hurting" resonating through my brain. Guys are feed that type of advice from an early age.

This isn't an attack on you, but an observation of the opposite sex in general. As it has been recently derived, it is possibly in error. Regardless, here you have it:

I don't understand why women would have a problem with doing something she doesn't understand. Men do this all the time. Valentine's day, Anniversaries, other special occasions, etc. We go an buy flowers or candy or a ring or whatever, and it had best be a well executed gift. Well thought out and attractive, otherwise, the target of our affection is not pleased and might even doubt our sincerity. While I understand that there is some mix of amplitude and frequency in the above statement, it applies to most long term marriages of which I am familiar.

My point is simply this. Men are required, all their life, to do things that they don't necessarily "feel". In fact, they might think what they are doing is outright "dumb as a hammer". We don't believe that quite so strongly when we see her face light up and tears stream down her cheek at the pleasure of the moment. And for a moment, she might even be convinced that we really aren't uncaring coots. We really aren't, but we are operating outside of our sphere of understanding, so to speak. Regardless, we do very much like the results.


I thought you ladies understood this simple principle. Most men learn it at an early age, especially if they hope to ever be successful at any relationship. I know women understand sacrifice. Believe it or not, most men do as well, but the approach is for most, totally different from the feminine.

As for getting your husband back, my advice has to be completely suspect. I can tell you that I am genuinely sorry for your pain. I know pain, but I don't know how it feels to have someone walk away, or betray. I do hope that he returns to you and finds the person he needs there. I suspect that he already knows that you are the one he needs. He married you after all. Given time, his pain and anger will likely subside. A gentle action or word from you at that time may be all he needs to turn around, or at least offer an
attentive ear.

I can tell you this for certain - genuine kindness, regardless of the situation you find yourself in, is always noticed. Appreciation of that kindness may never be acknowledged, but the kindness never goes unnoticed. And this advice is good and true; always be kind, never respond in kind, unless it is to kindness.

I wish you the best possible outcome with your husband. For what it's worth, I don't think you are a bad or inattentive wife. I believe that the fault is shared. It is too bad that your situation couldn't have been the subject of much discussion before any potentially permanent action was taken. That is very sad indeed. These types of issues are obviously common in marriage. I suspect that Michele is correct in her statement regarding knowledge that we have lost about marriages and relationships. I hope her book will be a catalyst for change. The observations shared by her with her readers, should have been common knowledge, not something that had to be learned again, born out of pain and suffering.

No, dear lady, you are not a bad person. You are just human. We do learn from our mistakes. Unfortunately, it doesn't stick across generations very well. Evidently, we are doomed to make the same ones over and over.

I hope your husband comes home soon. He belongs with you.