The Course of an Affair

[GainingStrength]

Nikki - Still working on GAL. Below is my last post on my old thread from 9/3. I've been concentrating on letting go instead of DBng, with mixed success:

J -...

Right now today, I'm starting to train myself to embrace this divorce as the right thing to happen. This is partly because I can't take this much pain indefinitely, because if I "go with what's going to happen anyway I'll be less vulnerable, because my W does have some pretty nasty traits that were apparent before the A or D started, and because I really am 23 years older than her and maybe she does need a younger man (OM is 38, W is 40).

I still love her but I cannot change the fact of her intense desire for the D so that she can have her "Big Life" and big new house with the OM (along with her MLC). Therefore, I think I need to focus more on detaching than DBing (although I have been told that the two go hand in hand)...

[GainingStrength]

Nikki - I would also be interested in hearing what Oldtimer has to say about my little parable, especially, since I believe that my WAW may be an exception to its scenario.

I think that the W has everything all planned out, as she usually does: meet the OM's family in Texas at Thanksgiving, go to Paris and get engaged in December, get the divorce final in February, become a full-fledged catholic in April, and get married sometime in the summer. Then in 2009, she gets her tubes untied and gets pregnant (at the age of 43). Neat huh?

I think her momentum will carry her through to the wedding (unless he gets cold feet). Unfortunately for her, the universe has a way of screwing up the best laid plans. I remember the saying: "Want to hear God laugh? Tell him your plans." It will be interesting to see what happens.

How is it going with you? I'll check your thread.

Larry

[25yearsmlc]

Larry,

ouch for you. I do understand your approach to the pending divorce. I get it. You will likely feel less vulnerable as you will be "bracing" yourself for what MIGHT be inevitable. All true. And if you can detach without too much anger, I doubt you'd be worsening anything and really that is the only risk isn't it? That somehow, by kind of accepting things, we are somehow allowing them or even causing them. In your sitch, IF you really know your wife isn't "testing" your love and if you really know that she knows how you feel about her, then it probably isn't making anything worse for the M by accepting the possible ending. And, since you haven't been doing it much, it IS a 180' and who knows where that might go?

By the way, sorry, but I had to chuckle at the New Catholic you think your wife will become. Sorry but it does NOT work that way. Except for the Kennedys (and not all of them were successful at this either) I have never heard of a Catholic PARENT in a long term marriage being granted an annulment, which I assume you are implying that she somehow expects to get????!!! wth???!!! No way. I went to law school at Catholic University in Washington DC and if your wife gets an annulment I will do two things for you: 1) I will buy you a large drink, and 2) I will write a letter to the diocese that grants it---I SWEAR- I will do that.

As for the untying of the tubes--funny, but I thought of doing that the other day after holding a friend's newborn. I just felt sort of sad that my days of being pregnant and a new mom, are Apparently over. Of course, when I actually thought out the idea of being pregnant again, and having a newborn and all the realities that go with it, the idea of being a grandma in a few years held a lot more appeal. So, I snapped out of it. Hey, if it did happen, I'd be happy. But the idea of "making" it happen at this point, sure does smack of MLC big time...your wife is just hallucinating and it's amazing how long her delusions are lasting. HOWEVER, you raise a good point about the age thing. I just don't know your activity level, her libido, etc. Maybe you are avoiding a lot of pain down the road....who knows?

I told you about my aunt with the ex h, who had repeatedly cheated on her. After he finally left her for ow#4(?), my aunt was devastated for years. But one day when his "new wife" (ie the woman he left my aunt for) actually called my aunt looking for the man, my aunt realized how much pain she had avoided b/c she no longer had to deal with his infidelity, but his subsequent wife sure did. Plus, the "new" wife would always know she had married a man who left his first wife and kids for her, so why wouldn't he cheat again? And he did and still does to this day. Yes, he DID do my aunt a favor by leaving, and it took that phone call from his wife to my aunt, for my aunt to fully realize it.

IF you are in a similar sitch, maybe your new approach will help you realize this sooner. And if you are not in a similar sitch, maybe your new approach will help your wife realize that too. You sound like a good catch, warts and all. And please make sure your kids, no matter how adult they are, KNOW you are always going to be grounded on this planet, for them. That you are still a "rock" they can count on.

It could be that nothing else matters for now. That, and you believing that there is a plan for us, and that even if the plan does not include your marriage staying intact, it does mean you are not alone.

Stay strong, try to laugh each day, and believe in The Plan. There is one.
j-

[GainingStrength]

J - I sure missed your long thoughtful posts when my thread was locked up. You did it again. Thank you.

You make a good point re the annulment issue. As I understand Catholic doctrine, the W and I will always be married, even though we were married as poor wayward protestants. Does that make a difference? If not, she will not be able to get married in the Catholic church. What a bummer for her after all that effort. Knowing her though, she must have a strategy.

Re my kids, yes I am their rock. At least they can count on one sane adult parent. My wife is still a "drug addict" addicted to the endorphins from her affair, although she gets angry when I call it that. If she actually gets engaged, I will relent. Funny, she used to lovingly call me her "rock". Then she turned 40, dropped the bomb, and told me she didn't need a rock anymore. Now she needed a "dance", and I wasn't a dancer. Charming huh?

Is it getting colder in the far north? I read your post to Lisa. Seems like you are really in a piecing marathon . I admire your endurance. You're an inspiration if I'm ever in a place to DB again.

Take care and don't freeze.

Larry

[GainingStrength]

Everyone:

I took my kids to Seaworld in San Diego this last weekend (just before half of the state caught on fire). It was for my daughter's ninth birthday. Of course, it gave the W a chance to be with the OM all weekend. I dropped my daughter off at the house Sunday afternoon, with his car in the driveway. I still hate that.

I'm getting better though. I'm smiling and laughing more, even when talking to the W. I think it drives her a little (more) nuts. I found out she told her brother that she feels guilty now about me, loves me and misses her best friend (though prefacing that with how great the OM is and how she still thinks she's doing the right thing). Also, at our last mediator session a couple of weeks ago, she said out of the blue that we had had a really great family, that we were a unit, but now we are split in two.

Sounds to me that her walls are eroding and that feelings of guilt and loss are starting to leak in. This is not to mention her biggest source of guilt: the loss of her son who is living with me, hates the OM, and wants to see his mom as little as possible. (he won't even sit in the front seat of her new used BMW because he knows who else has been sitting there and he doesn't want to catch any "butth**e germs", as he puts it. She can't figure out why he won't sit there and neither he nor I will tell her. Because of her empathy bypass, she just chalks it up to teenage attitude.)

Who knows where it will all lead. She's been pretty good at repairing the walls in the past. Still, it's been four months since the affair came into the light, so it's possible that the drug high is wearing off and the "six-month" clock is ticking. In the meantime, I continue to GAL and to work on detaching.

L

[Just Beau]

Great story!Your analogies are perfect.

Try your hardest to keep detaching.It really sends em for a loop!

[Larrynarry]

Story definitely hits home.. One thing I'm worried about though is the OM has 2 kids of his own from his recent D. I know it won't last, but it's been a month and a half and it's not slowing down.

[GainingStrength]

JB: I'm working hard at detaching, but it is a long process and takes a lot of persistence. You really have to accept the frequent backsliding, and then just gather yourself and go forward again. Focusing on GALing does help.

Jarhead: Per Michele W. and many other MC experts, most affairs last about six months on average after they come to light, so you're still early. Unfortunately, the first two months are the most painful and seem like years. Your W is still in the euphoria stage. She will make all sorts of plans to be with the OM forever, will tend to neglect your kids, and will act as if you no longer exist except to take care of the kids and cooperate in the divorce settlement. BTW, the OM having two kids and a recent D is actually in your favor. They are time-bombs which will eventually explode and doom the A.

I think you probably won't see any slowdown or uncertainties until the fourth month, and then only if you practice DBing and GALing with a lot of diligence in the face of great pain. Make sure you read the DR book. If by your nickname you mean that you're a Marine, I know you've got the guts to do it. However, it will probably be the most difficult thing you've ever gone through, inside the military or out. Hang in there. If you work hard, it does get better.

LL

P.S. To anyone reading this post, do you know the link to the article on the "Special As-If Model"?

[GainingStrength]

To Everyone -

Well, I really lost it today. My worst backslide ever!

Briefly, my D's school holds a program every October in lieu of a Halloween party. As her parents, it was agreed that my W and I would attend, even though we're separated. What she didn't tell me and I just learned today was that she also invited the OM to attend. This even though my S and I have lomg made it clear to the W that we will have nothing to do with the OM. As background, the one thing I haven't yet been able to forgive my W for is her campaign to replace me as D's father with the OM. So it is a very sensitive button with me.

When I found out, I came unglued. I have never lost control like that! I immediately called the W and asked her what she was thinking. She was defiant as usual, and I became enraged, saying that "of all the shi**y things she has done, this is the shi**iest," She said she could do anything she wanted, and I then called her a f***ing a**hole and a bitch. I said I was D's father, not f**ing [OM]. When I started in about how she had had an empathy bypass, she hung up.

Oddly, she e-mailed me after she hung up and said:

"In response to your call, [OM] and I have decided to forgo his attending this year."

Well, there you have it. Not a good performance by me, especially the name calling. In 16 years of marriage I never did that. I will make sure to force myself to take time to cool off before I call next time.

The only silver lining is that this turned out to be a 180 for me. The W's biggest complaint when she dropped the bomb was that I was "shut down" emotionally. She experienced the opposite of that today with me. It appears that my outburst shook her up. It was unlike anything she had seen of me in all our time together. Still, it was a net negative in terms of DBing. I will do better from now on.

Any feedback is welcome.

LL

[Larrynarry]

Thanks for the heads up Larry.. don't like the news, but it's helpful.

Must be something in the water. My blowup yesterday was pretty much about the same thing. W goes to college on Thursdays and I usually watch the D's. Well.. after lying about who was watching them, it became apparent that OM was going to watch them.

I went ballistic.

Not sure how it will turn out.