Monkey on a string

[NOPkins]

Thanks for the response, Michele. It is really appreciated.

You are right, I am afraid my anger was leaking through a bit (maybe a lot) in my previous post. I had, in fact, started several messages with a lengthy explanation of our relationship, only to delete them as I wandered back and forth through my pain/hurt/anger. The post that made it, although somewhat incoherent, was composed toward the end of my five day "mad". That "mad" was the result of a very contrite discussion about some of the items discussed
in your book. I don't mean to imply that any of that is your fault, far from it. I withdrew when there was no apparent change after our "heart to heart" conversation.

As you are well aware, divides in a relationship can be very painful. In my case, I had to withdraw, to the point where I really couldn't even look her in the face. Hurt feelings will do that. I knew better than to have high hopes or expectations that life would somehow be better, that some
compromise or understanding could be reached immediately. I have stood on that precipice far too often. I should know better. The bad reaction is my fault.

Please don't misunderstand. My wife is a fine woman. Maybe she feels that any action would be contrived and wouldn't feel right somehow. Maybe she is waiting (likely in vain) for some feeling to emerge. Maybe she thinks that suggestions from a book are somehow less valid than lessons learned or knowledge gained from some other venue. I really have no idea what her reasons are. I can only guess. Even though in my previous post, I implied otherwise, I sincerely doubt there is any malicious under-current to her reasoning. I do think that her reasoning, however, remains flawed.

For what it's worth, I do appreciate your devotion to marriage. I enjoyed witnessing your intensity on The O`Reilly Factor. My wife sat quietly, intently watching. She stated that she wasn't suprised that I purchased your book as a result of your appearance on the program.

She knows we have a problem. The situation remains as it has been, in stalemate. There have been some minor improvements over the past few months, but as I stated in my previous post, those improvements have come with intense effort. I really don't know why she can't let me know that she wants
me. I know she cares. If on the other hand, she does understand my pain, and allows this to continue, then I see no choice but to re-evaluate my options.

I don't want to be a demanding ass. I don't really care about the quality of the sex. What I do care about, is wanting and being wanted. I can't tell you just how weird it is to be male and state the aforementioned simple truth.

There should be no issue regarding physical attraction. I am still fit, and the ladies still notice me in a crowd. As one of our female friends put it at a recent wedding reception - "Wow, you clean up really nice" :-)

I love my sweet wife very much. I am more in love with her now than when we married. I love her smile. I love to hear her voice. Sometimes sweetness simply exudes from her and is contagious to everyone around. She stole my heart many years ago and still has it.

I have been a "man's man" all my life, but eventually well tempered with kindness and an honest gentility, although it took a while to arrive there. Maybe it is the acknowledgement of vulnerability that she finds distasteful.

To reiterate, no matter how much I think about, discuss, and examine the situation, I still draw a blank on a true understanding...

Sometimes I really do think that an emotionless logical existence is preferable to dealing with feelings. Emotions and the results thereof are a complex mess. It is a wonder that anyone survives them.