your sitch is exactly like mine! Where is our space? How come they get to move out and have all this privacy and yet still have keys and a closet at home?
Right now H's stuff is just where it's always been. He didn't move. He just took some clothes and bought stuff he needed for the apartment. No furniture there...just a lawn chair or two from what I hear. And a futon to sleep on. So all of the pictures of his family, clothes, knick-knacks, etc. are all still in their place.
And walking around staring at it all the time gets annoying. And you're right....does it make it worse to force a full blown move-out on them? Do we even care? Bleh!
Me (36) H (42) M (12) S-8 D-5 SS-18 D Day (PA) 12/02 S 10/03 R 1/03 S again 9/07 I choose Joy.
I got the third degree last week for using a new babysitter and hvaing her in the house. Hey....fair enough I should have told him about her. But really. I think he felt invaded that there was someone he didn't know, in *his* house, looking after *his* daughter. I'll have to ring her (babysitter) and apologise if he came across rude as I think she kinda tried to block him from entering (just doing her job....at least h acknowledged that).
I wonder if I should ask for a key for his new place? Would that just be asking for trouble though? Not that I have a need to go there, but just to be fair and equal. D'you think he would see it that way? would it be a way to bring up the topic or would it still go bad?
We talked quickly this morning about what was happening tues and wed.
He just rang me again to discuss the arrangements for the full week
today - d is with me. I will be picking her up from after school care (ASC)
tuesday - h will pick d up from school @ 3pm. I will need to pick her up from his work at 6pm. He has got clients from 4.30pm -6pm and then a class from 6-7pm. (he is a personal trainer/fitness instructor). d will either hang round in the office or 'help' him set up for his 6pm class - not sure.
wednesday - I will have to rush home to pick d up from ASC and then bring her back into the city for my waterpolo game at 7pm. h is working till at least 6.30pm so he can't help me out unless I drop d up to him. I can't do that as it will mean I'm late for my game (his work is further away from the city than our place).
Thursday - he will pick her up from school and I will pick her up from his work at 6pm. I think he is working from 5pm -9pm. d willhave to sit in office while she waits for me.
Friday - I will pick her up from ASC
Saturday morning - d has swimming lessons 8.30-9am and then gymnastics lessons from 9.30 - 11am. h indicated that he would like to watch her. After last w/e debacle he has changed his plans so that he can look after her this Saturday night. I was hoping that I could have the afternoon off (maybe go get waxed..or get some housework done...or sleep..whatever) and then go out that night (not that I have plans yet). h said he wanted to spend time with me _and_ d (I can't get my head around this) so I suggested going down to the marina if it's a nice day. He suggested the movies ( i like this idea better, less conversation, but however, more groping opportunity for him -though he would be mega p1ssed to read that I refer to it as groping - so I'm still anxious). Then I stupidly said that I didn't have plans for that night but that I wanted d to go to h's new place and stay there. h was hurt and a bit upset that I didn't want to spend time with him adn that I'd rather be on my own if I didn't have plans to go out. I pointed out that this is basically what I wanted from him while we were married (spending time together) and that now we are separated I would like a chance to reconnect with my friends. He doesn't seem happy with that.
I feel like I ahve trapped him into ending the marriage and that deep down it's what I wanted all along, so now I've got my way and I'm trying to move on, he is getting upset. Perhaps he was DB'ing in his own way???
I don't get it. I tried to say that I wouldn't always want to spend time apart from him but that's what I need now. I don't think it came out that clearly though. He is just saying "whatever, if that's the way you want it" and withdrawing again. Man....can't the guy just back off? This is making want to run screaming to the hills!!
this reminds me of "if you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you it's yours, if it doesn't.....hunt it down and kill it (heh...I can't remember the proper original quote in it's entirety)
Help! Do I have to be a mean beyatch and have him think that I hate him and never want to see him again?????? Becuase if he keeps carrying on like this, I don't really want to see him, it is too tense and nervewracking.
Hi Casey, I have the same question about setting boundaries about the house, although my h doesn't get on my nerves (or try to be physical with me) the way yours does. Can you set up a schedule and if he wants to be in the house, you could arrange to go out? If you have a set schedule, then at least you would know when he'd be there so you could make other plans, or at least brace yourself for the interactions.
I also agree with you about it not being fair that h has a place to go off to when he wants alone time, and I'm here all the time, with nowhere to escape to!
Ya see new_att that whenever I have tried in the past to set up a schedule he comes back with, "I can't do that. My job requires that I work early mornings and late evenings" What he also points out is that because he is a personal trainer, 'normal' peoples leisure time is his work time so he is just not available for long periods of time. Add onto that that he will be as flexible as possible for his clients (because he is starting out in the industry and needs to build up his client base - he says) but when it comes to dd (or me, back when I was trying my ar5e off) it's "sorry I have to work".
So as much as I have tried to set up regular times, it seems to be a phobia for him to plan anything that has structure in it.
I am quite looking forward to mediation where I hope they can get some stuff down on paper so I know what to expect.
Maybe I should accept his overtures of friendliness instead of being hyper-anxious/suspicious/paranoid. It'll just be hard if he 'tries it on' as I'll be tempted to spit the dummy.
Does it sound like cake eating on his part or do you think he might actually regret ending things? maybe I should ask him this?
Seems like he has finally gotten the message not to pursue but he is choosing to go dark himself.
d and I called his mobile last night so she could say good night (I suggested it) but he didn't answer so we both left messages.
I went swimming this morning up at the gym where he works and he came in the pool area while I was doing laps. I don't know if he saw me or not. I'm a bit hard to miss...bright aqua swim cap. He came in to speak to the youth talent squad coach while the kids were swimming (he does the strength adn conditioning of the older kids - the ones that are getting near the top of their game and from what he told me a while ago their coach is pretty pleased with the work h has been doing with them. I'm proud of him - he is very good at what he does). It is possible he didnt' see me though this has become my routine (swimming on Tues mornings), not that I've told him that though.
when I came home and after I had gotten d up I suggested we call daddy and say good morning. Again, no answer, we left a message.
He is picking d up from school today and I will be collecting her from him up at his work (the gym). he will be in between classes so it's highly unlikely he'll have time to talk, even if he wanted to. I predict that he won't speak to me.
Man...I jsut want to be friendly and amicable. I don't want to walk on eggshells to think that he's mad/hurt, but I don't want to give him the 'come on' either. It seems to be either extreme with him, and I just don't seem to be able to comfortably find the middle ground.
I gave him some batteries (sort of a peace offering) and asked if he wanted the microwave I had scored free. He said no, thanks he's got one in his new place. *sigh*
I had forgotten I had an early meeting tomorrow and have arranged for d to go to school with a friend but I told h on the off chance that he might be available to take her instead. He will be working but still said "i'll see what I can do". I appreciate that he is going to try but it's 99% sure that he won't be able to so why can't he just say he can't?
Ya see new_att that whenever I have tried in the past to set up a schedule he comes back with, "I can't do that. My job requires that I work early mornings and late evenings" What he also points out is that because he is a personal trainer, 'normal' peoples leisure time is his work time so he is just not available for long periods of time. Add onto that that he will be as flexible as possible for his clients (because he is starting out in the industry and needs to build up his client base - he says) but when it comes to dd (or me, back when I was trying my ar5e off) it's "sorry I have to work".
Does that mean that he doesn't know his schedule in advance at all? That would make it tough.
Originally Posted By: CaseyMooCow
Maybe I should accept his overtures of friendliness instead of being hyper-anxious/suspicious/paranoid. It'll just be hard if he 'tries it on' as I'll be tempted to spit the dummy.
I'm American, so I have no idea what that last sentence means!
Originally Posted By: CaseyMooCow
Does it sound like cake eating on his part or do you think he might actually regret ending things? maybe I should ask him this?
I wouldn't ask him right now, he probably has no idea. Try to focus on you! Hang in there!
Ya see new_att that whenever I have tried in the past to set up a schedule he comes back with, "I can't do that. My job requires that I work early mornings and late evenings" What he also points out is that because he is a personal trainer, 'normal' peoples leisure time is his work time so he is just not available for long periods of time. Add onto that that he will be as flexible as possible for his clients (because he is starting out in the industry and needs to build up his client base - he says) but when it comes to dd (or me, back when I was trying my ar5e off) it's "sorry I have to work".
Does that mean that he doesn't know his schedule in advance at all? That would make it tough.
He has some blocks of work that are permanent, and some permanent classes but the personal training clients (even though a lot of them are regulars) can get changed around quite a bit and often at short notice. It does make it tough. I don't deal well with it.
Originally Posted By: CaseyMooCow
Maybe I should accept his overtures of friendliness instead of being hyper-anxious/suspicious/paranoid. It'll just be hard if he 'tries it on' as I'll be tempted to spit the dummy.
I'm American, so I have no idea what that last sentence means! *lol* ok..."trying it on" means to "come onto me" or "get sexual with me"
"spitting the dummy" means "getting majorly p1ssed off"
U too can be an Aussie!!
Originally Posted By: CaseyMooCow
Does it sound like cake eating on his part or do you think he might actually regret ending things? maybe I should ask him this?
I wouldn't ask him right now, he probably has no idea. Try to focus on you! Hang in there!
