You know f21, I do believe that anybody can change. Where there's a will there's a way, but I've also come to realize that some people are so broken and have so much baggage that it's easier to run then to face their pain.
I'm with ya. I also think people can change, but it is rare that they will in a significant way. They have to really want to, and that usually means there needs to be serious leverage in place in order to bring on the motivation. My H has been the kind of person who would rather run from his pain. There was a time when it wasn't me he ran from, so that helps me know this isn't about me. I recently mentioned to him that it must be hard to face it all. I know he's right when he says that I didn't really like him. I frequently didn't like how he acted. He was an @$$ quite often. As much as it did affect me and I knew it was his own insecurities, I handled it wrong much of the time. I made him feel as though it was a character issue. Many would defend me and say that it was in fact, but it wasn't the right way for me to deal with it all or treat him. It was very challenging, and I'm not beating myself up over the past any longer, but it's an area I wanted to change for myself. So, he's helping give me a lot of practice with that. I had been working on this for a long time before he left, but not successfully enough.
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I don't know if you'll understand this or not but the way I see my ex is as "always the nice guy" which is one of the reasons they don't say what they feel. That's how he wanted me and others to view him. Always agreeable and seemingly content. What I now know is that people like him (p/a personalities) outwardly do this while stuffing their anger down with all of the other anger that's been building under the surface for a longtime before we ever came into the picture. Unfortunately there was a whole lot of damage done to them that we could not have possibly know about.
Yes, I know exactly what you're saying! This is my H. Fortunately, his anger has been really coming out. That has been sort of comforting to me, for lack of better description.... especially once it wasn't me he was taking it out on. I was always the one who had the "anger issues" before.
Thanks again!!! I know I will be great. No worries there.
Love, f21
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
No worries there.