Analytical -- that's what you get for being in the military -- been there, done that.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I still think if she talks to you about her R w/ OM, I would say something along the lines of "W, I enjoy that we can still talk, etc., but you talking to me about OM hurts me a lot b/c I still love you."
I agree 100% with Red on this. It's not fair to you for her to talk about him to you tell her this. She is causing you pain you don't need when she tells you about him. And this is causing you to react in ways that don't help your cause.
Me - 34 W - 33 S - 5 D - 4 M - 14 years Bomb 1 Dec 06 Bomb 2 Aug 07 Separated - Aug 07 WAW Renting own place - Dec 07
Thanks all... it's hard. She's trying to replace me and that hurts. I told her when she wanted to be "friends" that I was worried about that. She has a bad history of using/abusing/ignoring her friends. Since we've been together, she's never really had any decent friends. The one's she had before our R were abusive and used her, and all of the women she met through me (who would be ideal friends) she would feel intimidated by and never call etc.
It's very hard, Jar, and we know that. You just need to figure out what is going to bring you the results you want. How you need to deal w/ her, treat her, treat yourself in the meantime.
I don't think she's trying to *replace* you. I think she's going through at least a mini MLC where she wants to be single, young, etc. again. She's pushing 30, right? Like I've said before, though, she's going to figure out that the grass is not greener. She's going to figure out that she has everything she should want & need in you & your D's.
It was ironic last night -- when I said my prayers as I went to bed, all the things I was so very thankful for. Almost a year ago, when H dropped the D bomb, these very same things were the things that seemed to be dragging me down. I honestly didn't know who was I was anymore or what I wanted anymore and this had been building up for YEARS.
She's just not to that point yet -- where she realizes that she has a wonderful life w/ you and your D's and that she should be grateful that she has that. I look around (not even just here) and see what *could be* and wonder "what the H*LL was I thinking," but I think that's just it, we get so wrapped up in our unhappiness, thinking that we want something else, that we're not thinking.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Thanks RHW.. I hear what you are saying, but at this point there is no other way to see what she is doing. I'm being systematically replaced. She's always ran away from her problems. I should've seen this coming. I know it won't work between them. It's just how long that takes and where I'll be in my life at that point. It's probably a good thing that she is getting more public with this. I'd almost bet that her folks will not approve. Especially her M. I also know that I'm feeding their R everytime I react like this. That's one thing that has to stop.
I need them to see what they have without any influence from me.
Easier said then done. It's the heat of the moment that gets me. I need to implement the 48 hour rule ASAP.
BTW... I just got the book "Love must be tough" the section on infidelity is spot on.. very interesting.
I know it won't work between them. It's just how long that takes and where I'll be in my life at that point.
Jar,
THIS IS THE MOST INPORTANT THING TO REMEMBER. You are doing great. The light will come on to our spouses. They will see they were CRAZY. I too just hope I will not have moved to far past when this happens.
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Yeah... At this point though.. I think I need to move on so I can be sane.
So.. dropped the D's off this morning. We were civil.. she asked me to stop back by after I dropped the D's at their classes.
I did and told her I would call at 6 to talk to D's. She said to call her cell because she thinks they are having a playdate. Damn it.. this means that they are going to be at OM's.
I was pissed at this point of course..
She said she got my text messages and wants us to be friends for the girls sake.
I interrupted.. I said "When you start treating me like a friend.. I will be a friend"
She said I was the one not being friendly.. to which I reminded her how after complaining of him ignoring her she decided to sit out front of her Apt and talk to him while I was sitting on her couch.
I also told her that if she wants to replace me that's fine, but I would never allow one of my "friends" to watch the girls instead of her.. that's wrong and you know it.
I stormed off...
As I was in the parking lot putting the D's bag in her jeep, she was outside her room and said "I wanted to tell you this" and gave me the sign for "I love you" I told her she didn't mean it and she said "How do you know" I waved her off. She was still standing there when I finished up.. I gave her the sign back and drove off.
I'm going insane. These next 5 days are going to be strange. I've got things to do and it now seems as though they will be spending every chance they can together. Can't worry about it I guess, but I get to look forward to D's saying "We spent the night with so and so"
I wonder if this is what it feels like to be trapped in a mine?
