Update: I want to Salavage my Marriage

[PhD_ChrisD]

Hi All,

I think I have mostly positive news as an update from the DB front. My wife is still wanting to "work on it" with regard to our family. While she still stays out all night sometimes, she is spending more time with the kids. The level of tension has subsided quite a bit. We can get along pretty well and she is being decent toward me. All in all, a better place than I was in 6 months ago.

I am still concerned about her drinking and her staying out all night. She recently got a DUI so now she uses that excuse to stay out all night instead of coming home.

I have hope, but it is a cautious hope.

--Chris

[SuperDad]

Any idea what this is supposed to mean?
1. She wants to "work on it"
2. She stays out all night drinking.

Don't really seem like compatible concepts!

Just keep up your patience and work on living your life for you!

SD

[Heimlich]

Good deal, Chris. Glad to hear things are taking a slight uptick for you.

Is her behavior towards you leveling off a bit as well?

How was your trip?

BD

[PhD_ChrisD]

Hi SD,

Indeed, truley a dichotomy. It has me confused as well. Often times her words and action seem quite contradictory. However, aliens have taken her to crazy-ville and one can expect this sort of thing. I get more frequent postcards than six months ago.

I suppose the good news is that the drinking has slowed way down. I have to admit, when she stays out all night I do get concerned and jealous. If she has another man, that would tear it for me: that is my line that will not be crossed.

Best,
--Chris

[PhD_ChrisD]

Hey Heim,

Thanks for checking in with me!

Yes, her behavior is coming back from crazy-ville. She is much less beligerent and foul-mouthed. So there is good news.

Our trip went well. I think it was just the thing. My W started to think that married life was "not all that bad" and sort of missed us all. I think that lasted about 10 minutes.

We had lots of fun back east. Really a great time.

Best,
--Chris

[PhD_ChrisD]

Hi All,

I think things are getting better. W asked me this morning "How much do you love me?" My response was: "more than anything in the world." She then asked if she could go out Wednesday and play pool. My response was of course and if that makes you happy, then I am happy. I was really thrilled that she even asked me how much I loved her!!

She still sleeps on the couch and cringes/yells at me if I even touch her. However, I think she is on her way out of the woods. I woke her up this AM to get our son ready, and she smiled a dreamy smile at me. First time I seen that in about 8 months. She is back into some of her old hobbies and old friends. My therapist says I have changed a lot and am all but over my control issues. Now things are up to W to set the recovery pace.

I do wish she would get help with the drinking and anger problems. I especially pray that we can one day go to MC together and more importantly, that she would start going to church with me and the children. Time, space, and patience...time, space, and patience.

I am not sure if all this emotional supression is good for me. I sometimes wonder about the long-term consequences of supressing my thoughts, feelings, and words around her.

--Chris

[Heimlich]

That's a huge change on your W's part. From what I recall, you haven't heard the word "Love" other than in the context of "I don't" for quite a while. Pretty positive step.

There is danger in swallowing your emotions. A number of folks talk about the anger they feel once the WAS does come back. It's good that you are acknowledging that as a potential issue now. Maybe start thinking about how you're going to deal with it?

Regardless, kudos on the changes. I can tell just from your posts that you seem waaaaaaaay more relaxed than when you began 4 short months ago.

I'll give the usual caveat, be prepared for the pull back, but keep on keeping on.

Maybe we'll be able to abort that "Death from above option" after all, eh?

BD

[SuperDad]

Chris,
Sounds like several good baby steps. Just remember to keep your expectations low and even expect her to backtrack after these steps toward you.

Have you considered [url=http://www.retrouvaille.org/ ]retrouvaille[/url]? Sara is a huge proponent of this and says that it absolutely saved her marriage when it was all but over.

I am not sure if all this emotional supression is good for me. I sometimes wonder about the long-term consequences of supressing my thoughts, feelings, and words around her.

The key is the around her. You can get your feelings out in so many other ways...HERE!, journal, prayer, mediation, in IC, with a trusted (male) friend who is not in your W's circle. I have done all of these and it really helps.

SD

[PhD_ChrisD]

Hi SD,

I would like to try the retrouville program. However, my W is adamant that we do not need counseling to work out our problems. I continue to see my counselor even though my wife hates her.

I suppose she will backtrack. All part of the process and I have my mind around that. 2 steps forward and 1 back.

Thanks for the post!

Best,
--Chris

[PhD_ChrisD]

Hey Heim,

I am a bit more relaxed and cautiously optimistic. W was really, really nice to me Monday night (even though she was drunk) and even said she realizes how rotten she has been etc. Tells me she needs time and that she has a lot of anger.

Since Monday, there has been some pullback. Back to the cold and distant M. That is part of the process and should be expected, but I do not like this emotional rollercoaster.

Death from above! More like death from within.

Thanks for the post!

Best,

--Chris