Now I've done it...again #5

[mkultra]

Time is on your side. Be patient. I mean continue to be patient. Are any of us really on Plan B? Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if we literally went dark. No text, no voicemail, no physical contact at all. Would that really help? Or is it just to keep our hearts in mend?

[SallyM]

mk, I'm not sure total darkness would help, but I don't know. I'm confused by my own h tonight and a comment he made to me. he really thinks I just don't care, give a rats ass about him anymore, because I had stopped asking him anything about himself, etc.

neph, be patient, I agree.

[Gingersnap]

Neph....when it gets so messy I don't have a way to think myself out of it or know what to do I just mentally let go for the time being. Just don't think about it. Do anything...but worrying will not change what's been done or what is to come. So hang in there. The cooler you are in the aftermath the better.

Morgan...think our H's get so far gone they don't know their way back even if they wanted to come back. I'm trying to keep that in mind since H wants to talk Thursday. I don't want to miss an opportunity to get him before he's soooo gone. But I want things to be better.

[nephartiti]

You ladies are truly wonderful. Thank you for checking in on me and for your wise words. I am trying to be patient. I have been too busy today to really focus too much on him. I have a full house. My Bro, SIL, and nephew are camping out here because the fires are only 2-3 miles from their house. We are getting ready to watch Evan Almighty.

Finally watched The Holiday last night. That was a good one.

My BFF's mom, the one who went through this 20+ years ago, reccommended "Why did I get Married". She is so grounded. She says that I must give H more time to really WANT to come home. Only then will he be willing to really make changes. She believes that they should not come home sooner than after 6 months of good counseling. She believes that humans inherently will do as little work as possible. If the LBS is willing to take them back too soon, then the growth stops as soon as they are back, more or less. I know this is not completely true, but I have heard many say that they should not come home too soon.

Anyway, I hate to think of H having his own apartment. It feels like another nail in the coffin, as MK says. I hate that our money will be spread so thin. I have to remember that, hopefully, it is temporary. It is worth waiting a few months and do it "right" than rush things and have it fall apart again because we did things prematurely.

I'm going to work on myself and let H be. I have to work on not having expectations of H. I get so mad when he says he will call/come and then doesn't. I have to stop reacting to that. I have to stop re-living the pre-sep A days when he didn't come home and wouldn't answer his cell. That's what happens. I go right back there. It is ugly and hurtful. I have to "detach".

I'm working on that.

Off to see the movie. I will check on everyone later.

[LL44]

Maybe *he* thought you said what you had to say the other night and *you* hung up on him? Instead of him realizing you lost connection.

HUGS neph, big hugs. You are sooo not a DB failure. Look how far you have come. You need to stop and think and be very proud.

[mkultra]

If you look at the big picture you are actually right on track. Everything is as it should be. This journey is a difficult one but if we put aside our pride we will see that all this suffering was not in vain. I think there was a WAW on Oprah who said her marriage was 100% better after she had her affair and reconciled with her H. She had a much better marriage because the affair forced her to be more open and her H was willing to work on their R. It will take time but your BFF's mom is absolutely right. Our elders can look back on their Rs and give sage advice from generation past. Our generation can be pretty screwed up and disposable with Rs.

PS I think it is wonderful that you are taking in your family so soon after getting separated and having a baby. Nothing is more uplifting than helping others.

[saffie]

Neph,

You are so strong!!!!

When they repeat behaviour that upset us when the A happened we are bound to get upset. I am lucky that my H grasped quite quickly that this was the case and made great efforts to ensure that he thought about what reaction his actions would cause. It was something we talked about first though and I don't know if you have explained this to your H. If he appears sincere in reconciling it might be worth mentioning things that act as flsah poits / triggers. You can always laugh and say, (with your fingers crossed), that you know it is not his fault that these are triggers but it would really help if he was able to bear them in mind. I expect he doesn't realise that when he is either late phoning or doesn't phone at all it has such a bad effect on you because it knocks your confidence.

Sometimes it is better to communicate things rather than hope the other S will realise. I am terrible at expecting my H to 'know' things that I think are obvious. He then goes around oblivious to why I get mad!!!

You are doing so well and are such a good support to others.

Saffie

[nephartiti]

Sometimes it is better to communicate things rather than hope the other S will realise.

Yes! I realized this. I found a pattern. I go dark. I do good for a few days. Then I start getting anxious, or H does something to throw me off like not following through on his visits. Now, the best thing, being dark, would be not to react at all and just wait it out. The next best thing would be to cleanly address the issue. I do the least appropriate thing - I bait him into confrntational contact and often make wild unsubstantiated accusations based on imaginative speculation.

So, I am cutting out the third option from my list. When I have "acted out" recently, H has questioned me as to what I am really trying to accomplish. He is actually, in some ways, being the bigger person. With that in mind, I think there is a place to make honest reasonable requests (not demands) and to try to reach an understanding.

You are doing so well and are such a good support to others.

Saffie

Thank you, Saffie. That is a huge compliment coming from you. Really.

[SallyM]

oooh, good pattern to recognize, neph. that's half the battle, right?

good luck!

[LL44]

I agree with saffie, you are wonderful support to others. Hope your day is going well.