I just talked to my son... he didn't say much, while I tried to ask some question that would provoke a conversation. I could tell his father was close by, S's words guarded, angry, monotone.
I know Dick has been messing with his mind for a while, and now he has S under his control. I'm afraid I've lost him. I am frightened.
S has stopped talking to his friends, stop returning their calls, their texts, and now says he doesn't miss them or anything around here.... he is isolated now, just as I once was, with no one to remind him of reality, without the "adult" coping mechanisms I once had, and no one he will allow to reach out to him.
It was not my son at the other end of the phone.... not the boy who would call and ask me if he could come out to my work, when he couldn't sleep, just to talk and spend time with me, not the boy with laughter in his voice, not the boy who sang "These are my people" at the top of his lungs.
I've lost him, and I don't think I have way of helping him.
Laughing
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........
Laughing, You've not lost your son. He's still very much your son deep down inside. Right now, he's having to deal with a lot of things and he's got to figure out what is reality/truth and what are the fantasies/lies that have been tossed at him.
With Dick in the room, he couldn't very well show you that he was still very much your son. He had to put on a "front" to convince Dick that he was a "man" now and could deal w/cutting the ties that you have w/him.
Laughing, I know that you are confused and hurting right now from that phone call, but give it some time. He's not been gone long enough to miss everything that was so near and dear to him. The holidays are coming and he will think of you, your daughter and home. He will think of his friends, etc.
It sounds like he's hitting a bit of depression if he's isolating himself from others. I feel for him because he's caught between two zones of life.
I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Do not give up, no matter what you think at this time. Have faith that God will turn this around and soon.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I agree, Laughing - you can't judge anything by what he says when dad is there.
Try to call him at times when you know the ex is at work.
That IS worrisome about him cutting off ties to his friends. Depression? Too painful to be reminded?
And this is almost too weird to think, but - could your H possibly have made threats? Like - come live with me or I'll ruin/hurt/something your mom??? I don't know why, I just keep getting this vibe of your on going and making it look like his choice, but really only doing it to "protect" you. Hope I'm wrong.
I don't know if S is isolating himself, or Dick and his handywork is at play to create the isolation. Dick has a way of separating loved ones and friends, using a person's own insecurities and values. S will have a hard time sorting through the fantasies and the truth, for Dick is so believable. Remember, he's been able to fool a complete court room, while having the Judge believe I am the one who is unstable, who is emotionally abusive, and he, the victim.... and these people are supposedly well educated, well informed and experienced people..... unlike S who has been protected from a lot of the ugly stuff. Afterall, he's been using the court results, and the Judge's opinions to prove to the children I am the bad guy in all of this. S doesn't stand a chance..... and because of this situation, I don't have a way of helping him.
Even though I am aware of what Dick can do, I often find myself questioning myself, and wondering if I'm just fooling myself, and just maybe Dick has been right all along. There's no way all of this would be happening to us otherwise..... I've felt many people have been questioning this situation, and feeling the court must be right.... maybe the situation isn't crazy, maybe it is just me.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........
Laughing - You're the most sane person I know, to be able to go through all this madness!!!
But you know what? S made his choice, he's a big boy, he may suffer some unpleasant consequences, but we cannot protect our children from everything. Even without all the family drama, your S might be making poor choices right now. Teens do that. You just have to trust that you have given him a solid foundation to come back to.
Now - quit focusing on him so much and focus on your D. She needs you more than ever right now.
I haven't given S enough.... for tonight I heard why he is angry and bitter.
S believes I have called CA's SRS (his words) and told them he is too young to drive, there are guns in the house, his father is an alcholic, he also claims he saw my name on the paperwork too. He also said the only reason I called the SRS in CA was because I was angry about loosing $500/month in child support because he moved out there. He told me both Dick and Jane both knew about the child support reduction because it was announced in court during the hearing. (I had no idea what they did or were going to do about the child support, I didn't hear any announcement during the hearing nor has my attorney called me to tell me what the child support was going to be.) According to him, Dick and Jane both knew when they left the court room.
Also, I almost got him in trouble for under age driving, (he won't be 16 until the end of November) yet he is driving to and from school. If I cared, I would just leave him alone and stop trying to cause him trouble.
He told me he talks to Jane every night, that she is a better Mother than I am, and is better to him. That I need to get used to the fact Dad is married to Jane, and need to get over it. He never, ever wants to hear from me again.
Obviously, I didn't call, but have been worried about him driving in CA, because I know he really isn't ready to drive in a town that large, with the sort of traffic that comes with a city that size. Yet, the only one I mentioned it to was my attorney.
I've lost him, there is nothing I can do, Dick and his techniques have over powered everything we had for the past 15 years.....
What am I supposed to do, I'm so afraid I've lost him for good.
Laughing
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........
Hmmm....wonder who REALLY called CPS??? Don't worry, Laughing - eventually your H will show his true colors to S. Meanwhile, make sure your D knows the truth, that you did NOT call CPS, and speak to your attorney immediately about all this.
Do you have an email you can contact S at? If so, write him a carefully worded letter, telling him you don't know who did this but that YOU had nothing to do with CPS, that you don't care about the child support but only about his well-being, that you love him and hope he is doing well in CA. Don't get into the fact that he's being told lies, or anything else. Just simple statements that you love him, hope he's doing well, and didn't contact CPS. Period.
I don't know who really CPS.... I really don't know. The biggest hint that it wasn't me, was the complaint of having guns in the house. I know it's not socially acceptable, but living in the country as we did, having guns for hunting and target shooting, was just a fact of life.... Dick owned guns long before I met him, long before the kids were born, as I also had my own hand gun for protection, which were all stored in a steel safe in the house the whole entire time, since the kids were born. All of us went through every safety program available, kept accurate documentation and permits necessary to keep ownership legal.....
No, I don't have an email to reach S, only his phone and text messages. I tried to tell him it wasn't me that contacted CPS, but S called me a liar, told me that all I do is lie. I fear that any word I say to him will be deemed (from now on) a lie.
I will contact my attorney in the morning, let her know what I've heard from S. I don't think it will do any good, nor will it change anything... but at least I will do all I can to protect myself. As a matter of fact, I think I'll also contact the kids counselor, to keep her updated on what is going on too.
Thanks for your reply.... God Bless you and your family.
Love,
Laughing
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........
I hadn't thought about S having similar feelings as would a kidnap victim (in some ways) and yes, you are absolutely correct, he would have to identify with his dad.... that would be the only way he'd be able to begin to establish some sort of bond too... something that he really hasn't had and has only wanted most of his life.
Oh, I do focus on D. If fact, she has me worried abit, for I believe she is trying to fill the void all on her own.... my little over achiever (she really isn't that little, she just had another growth spurt and we now look eye to eye now...:-) ) is my center, who still gives me the greatest joy. I've been pushing her to get back into her own life, and spend more time with her friends, leaving me a bit of "alone" time, when I often think about S and how he is doing.
Since I didn't make the call to CPS, I won't hear of their findings, or whether they did have a concern with the situation there. S said "You almost got me in trouble by telling them I'm too young to drive!" in such angered tones it broke my heart. I'm sure Dick is using this to appear to be connecting with S, AND using it to turn S against me.... by making me out to be the bad guy, and taking away his driving privilages, instead of acknowledging the fact they are both breaking the law by allowing him to drive underage. Dick knows if S can't drive and have his independence, S may not want to hang around. So, if S gets caught, it will be all my fault....
I did talk to my attorney, she felt as though I was trying to control the situation, also, I don't have a right to interfere with Dick's parenting, and as long as S wants to live with his Dad, I don't have a leg to stand on.
Just once I'd like to feel as though I had some rights.... just once.
Anyway, I'm gonna take a nap before D comes home....
Take care of you, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........
