Separated and W has a BF.

[andyv]

Jarhead,

I think it is time to go dark. Regardless of what your W does, or says, you have to just ignore it and not let it get to you.

Mate, I went through the same, the lies and deceipt, and it nearly turned me into a fruit loop. My W even had the OM to our house when I was away for work, and driving my car..........so you can just imagine how angry I was.

I set my boundary's with her several months back, and what she does with him is her business, but keep it away from my personal space (home and car included).

She still has my DD included in their activities, which I don't mind. Kids are smarter than you think. My DD tells me that OM has not bought her or treated her to anything since they have been together (he is 27, W is 36, so his priorities are different to hers). He is a tight arse with his money, and W pays her own way with every activity (I may be old fashioned, but doesn't the guy pay during courting???? Especially if there is a PA).

I have gone lovingly dark, the best way I can. She has instigated all calls, and I am being as civil as possible for DD's sake, and as polite as pie when it comes to dealing with W (without being a doormat).

So yes, I think the way your W is acting, you should go dark, but civil.

Good luck mate,
All my best,
AndyV

[Dr LOve]

My W even had the OM to our house when I was away for work, and driving my car

Ok this is where I draw the line. Take my W but keep your hands off of my Jeep and Mustang. (You can have the P/u nothing ever happened in the bed anyway.

Seriously Andy is right. Go dark.

I’m serous about my cars

Husband

[Yoyowife]

Ok this is where I draw the line. Take my W but keep your hands off of my Jeep and Mustang. (You can have the P/u nothing ever happened in the bed anyway

I’m serous about my cars

Husband

Okay, Husband, I'm still at school because we are having parent/teacher conference, which none of my parents have shown up so far, so don't go telling any stories, LOL.

[Dr LOve]

Yoyo,

All I said was nothing ever happened in the back of MY p/u.

I sure is sad no parents are showingup. especilay with "special" kids.

I have not missed one P - T conf. in 25 years.

Husband

[Yoyowife]

Wish there were more concerned parents like you. The parents of my students are exactly the ones that should be showing up.

[RedHeadWife]

Jar, you are allowing your emotions to lead you way too much. I know this all sucks really badly, but you keep waffling back & forth on how you are acting & treating her and you need to stop that or she is going to stay just as confused as she was before and still is.

I agree, I don't like it that the OM is around your kids at all. That is something you will need to address, however, if they all know each other already, it's not like she's bringing in some new guy that they don't know.

I truly think you need to go DARK!!!! DARK, jar, DARK. Contact her about the D's and that is it. Be loving, supportive, etc. and don't allow her to pull you into arguments constantly. That's just justifying her in her supposed feelings about you and how she is allowing herself to see your M in the past.

[Larrynarry]

Explain loving supportive, etc. That's what I need help with. I thought I was doing OK... I thought I was making an impact and then she pulls this stuff.

She texted me that she got our youngest D some shoes.. I responded "Cool".. then she texted some stuff about a parent teacher conference with oldest. We went back and forth.

That's been it.

UGH!!

[Larrynarry]

I guess this is my issue...up until recently she has been very quiet about this new R. It seems lately that she's starting to be OK with it. Her friends now know about it (new drinking friends that is). And now she's going to expose the kids. I would imagine next would be parents.

That's why I'm discouraged... it's starting to head in directions I have no control over and don't like. I guess that's my controlling/manipulative behaviour.

UGH.

[RedHeadWife]

Well, you can't control her behavior, so that's #1. She needs to do what she needs to do and in the long run deal w/ her decisions, actions, etc. and live w/ that.

Staying loving, supportive, etc. w/o controling is also the key here. You can SHOW her in your calm voice, your helpfulness when she needs help w/ the D's, etc. that you still love her, however, you need to back off on you contacting her constantly. Let her do the contacting. LET HER MISS YOU. You need to blow off anything that she says that may start an argument. I know that sucks, but as long as you can stay calm w/ her, you can vent here later.

I still think if she talks to you about her R w/ OM, I would say something along the lines of "W, I enjoy that we can still talk, etc., but you talking to me about OM hurts me a lot b/c I still love you."

You have been doing well, and she probably realizes that she's making an A$$ of herself, but she's going to go back & forth during the process of getting through this. She needs to wake up on her own and realize where she really should be and then there will be the process of her having to swallow her pride and getting to the point where she will admit that she's been wrong and wants to come back.

[Larrynarry]

Thanks RHW... I'm sure she does too... that's part of my problem. Too much knowledge is bad for me. I'm very analytical.. I take in a bunch of knowledge and use it. I see technically where they are headed.. It's very easy to be distracted by that.