okay, I survived. it was really weird at first. h came over and I was sitting out on our front steps watching the kids chase leaves...its a blustery fall day here, but weirdly warm, and they were having a ball. he came over to me, barely met my eye, squatted near me for a bit (god forbid he sit next to me) with neither of us really looking at each other/saying much. then, god love him, he just said, "awkwaaaaard" and made me laugh.
last laugh, though. we talked a bit about the kids, then I said I had to run some errands, so headed out. I did have to go to target for something, but honestly spent most of the time reading a magazine in the parking lot and talking to my sister on the phone, scared to death to go home. just not wanting to deal.
finally sucked it up and drove home right as he was finishing up putting them to bed. I gave the kids quick(ish) kisses, and came downstairs, where he was ready to leave waiting to say goodbye.
I girded my loins and tried my damndest to act as if and asked how he was doing. he asked me what was up, why was I looking like that. I asked like what...he said like I care. I told him I have always cared. then he had the nerve to say I had a look like what happened sunday would happen again. so apparently my "as if" look is the same as my "sexy" look? I didn't really know what to say, sat there looking like a lobotomy patient at him. he said it couldn't happen again. that it would just lead me down a path that wasn't good, that he was confused, couldn't figure me out. and that was that. he turned and left. I told him to drive safe tomorrow.
and now I am breathing again, and crying just a little. and wishing I had him home to share this night with. would love nothing better than to sit out on the porch while the wind blows around us. maybe head off to the hammock for a while. ahh, well, we can dream, right?
damn
well, the good news is I think I am free until friday. as much as he says he is going to come tomorrow if possible, I don't really see that happening...traffic, whatever, will stop him. so friday kid exchange, then saturday the big talk.
eta, I am laughing now that I think about it...I mean, I was rejected and I didn't even try to seduce him. lol.
Last edited by morgan; 10/23/0711:54 PM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
