Heheee... glad you got a laugh. Yeah, I forget stuff from time to time. I'm glad I'm not the only one! There are just so many dances to be on top of.
Interesting that you had a similar story with MC. Sorry it went that way for you. I agree with you about what people do with C... it's definitely what we make it. When they are in that mode of 'making their case', it can feel like a no-win. It felt too risky to me at the time and I don't regret being stubborn about that, though I maybe just wasn't brave enough. I did what felt right to me. I've been able to use this time to get strong again, so ending up separated was more than okay.
Care comes to mind right now, as she is a DBer who managed to make the MC work in her favor despite her WAS looking for an 'out'. Of course, all of our sitches are different. In her case, she was able to use the MC to DB her H. It required a LOT of strength and hard work on her part, but she did it. Just thought I'd mention her, 'cause I'd recommend her old threads as good reading for others in that position.
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I'm sure his reasons for going were not to save the marriage as much as to be able to say he tried.
Fast forward a year. Now it's your turn to ask for what you want. If he's sincere and is on the same page he'll do whatever it takes, bottom line! If he's hesitant or posturing you pretty much have your answer. Of course it can only help you to have a professional to bounce any confusion you may have off of.
You're absolutely right that I need to be asking for what I want! Finding the tunnel with cheese down it is the challenging part though. I will not use it as an ultimatum, like he did. It would've been inaccurate of him to decide that I wasn't willing to do whatever it took because I initially turned down C last year when he approached me with it, as I was only nervous about it.
Yes, I also think my H just wanted to be able to say he tried. He loves telling me he did, and even that he didn't think I was trying. I know he "tried" in his own way, but I don't believe he was working on this M "until". I am lucky to have had some good convos with him about all this. I feel like I managed to both validate him and stand up for myself. We just didn't manage to take things forward from that point. I like your point about it being good to bounce our confusion off of a professional. I really like looking at it that way.
Thanks for listening, and thank you very much for getting me thinking! You're making a great case for me to ask for the MC.
Peace and love, f21
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
