Just keeping everyone up to date and the journaling is therapeutic for me..
Met with XH for our second counseling session. This session was different. I went in with the attitude like nothing was going to break me and thought I would do it, but of course, I couldn't..lol
I ended up talking, crying, validating, arguing, the works. But, in the end, it was good.
Today is the very first time I saw in my XH the pain he has caused the kids. When he was talking about our S and D, he started to tear up. I managed not to look at him most of the first half of the session but when this happened, I watched him, his body language and his eyes.
He said that eventually the kids will not want to be with him when they get older. Meaning, he is a weekend Dad and he realizes that his time in minimal with the kids as they will becomer more and more interested in their friends. He spoke on how taking trips with the kids means so much to him as they are making memories, etc. I did notice that he talks alot about being a kid, his dad, his memories. Strange for me as he had a pretty crappy childhood. I guess that's why he holds near and dear to his heart the good times with his dad and the trips they had taken. (his dad was a pilot)
He validate me on how I feel about OW. I told him I felt "naked" when the two of them were together. Not literally, but I said I felt overexposed as he met her during a very bad time in our M. Thus, she new many raw details about our life, M and me in general. I looked him in the eye and said, "she has my life"
I tried really hard not to get emotional and bring up OW. But I didn't see how we could get past the hurt in order to better the now, you know what I mean? I can't pretend that we have this peachy coparenting relationship..BTW, just saying "coparenting" urks me..Stupid word..
Anway, Xh said he understood how I felt about OW. He understood how I would doubt him..whatever.
Now, if you read all my previous posts you are probably going, "woaa, mama, this guy is nuts"..and you are right..he still is nuts but I think today he figured out how much he needs to work on himself. In fact, it was the SECOND therapy session he had this week.
Yesterday he went with OW..(I know..what an ass)
I told him he was either the luckiest guy or the stupidest guy in the world to be going to two counseling session in 24 hours with XW and girlfriend..lol
As for me, well, I cried all the way home. I was behind him driving as he was going back to work. I drove alittle out of my way to follow him and take another route to a main highway..maybe a mile out of my way. I wanted to just drive and think and go down memory lane a bit. We were so close to his shop and I spent so much time in that town so I was enjoying the ride..XH ended up texting me "where are you going"..I simply text him back..home.
Don't know if he was scared I was following him or asking me what I was doing the rest of the day..I passed him at a yield and he put his windown down..I just yelled to him I liked driving that route and he smiled..I said to him have a good day and waved..He smiled..
So, how do i feel?
tired.. wired relieved confused happy sad
How is that for hypocritical?
I decided that I am still not over him but that is normal, I guess. I admit it did urk me that he is seeing counseling with Ow but in the end, I guess it is good. I cannot look at it like Ow is getting the better XH because she isn't. She is getting the defeated one who lost everything. For them to go to counseling is just two victims licking old wounds and not taking repsonsibility as far as I am concerned.
I did tell XH don't fault me if I don't jump up in the air and yell hurray to find you are going to counseling..(I couldn't get him to go if I lit his ass on fire three years ago)
I saw old XH today...But I know seeing him is like seeing a friend from a long time ago. It won't be too ofen that Old XH is around and I need to remember that. He is a different man who has done a lot of damage. And, no, I am not going to get sucked in again.
I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt that he is trying to do better by his kids and call it a day.
I am still extra vigilant and very happy we are divorced. He is his own hobby I have realized..He just keeps talking and talking about himself..THat's what he did the bulk of the therapy session..It was the XH show for sure..
Now, as for New Guy..Well, let's just say he gets the saint award for not acting jealous and giving me my space. And, to top it off, I went on TWO EMAILS accounts and last night he emailed me "I love you BIG TIME!"
Now, it takes a man to do that and still not get perturbed I am spending time in counseling with XH. And, no questions are asked really..just "how did it go" and "I am here for you".
I am a lucky girl and I know it.
Moreso, despite New Guy, I am lucky to have gone through all this stuff and still come out ahead..emotionally, spiritually, intellectually..
Well, time to call it a day...
Unfortunatelyl, my D has strep and I think I do, too. Have to teach and talk for three hours tomomrrow so I need to chill out..
