CVA - Not sure I have figured anything out?

[Nomopo]

What I am wondering right now is that I assume this (emphasis added} is not a good technique to getting a R back, because it is like a failing marriage, it just "happens" vs. a concerted wake up call of a 180, me moving out, whatever. Subtle vs. a Hammer.

Oooh this is a real nugget CVA. I am champing at the bit. By "this" above, I assume you mean either:

1. Not talking the R problems out

As you know, i would like to just talk it out one way or another but....I suppose I have accepted that I cannot do anything about that.

or

2. Detaching

Every day I slowly pull back just a little more, I can sense it, I wonder if she can? Not trying to control that, it is really subconcious as much as my concious mind wants to DB and all that, it is happening in the back of my mind, "dont respond to that BS, it wont do any good CVA" You know what I mean?

There kind of similar anyway.

Actually, I believe this is the ONLY technique that will give you any chance, even though it may be slim. As long as you are trying to get her to talk, and or control her/your sitch, I think it is almost hopeless that she will come around. If she does, it will probably be for the wrong reasons (eg, golden handcuffs), and you want be in a satisfying M/R. Stated another way, every time you try to talk the R problems away or control her and her unhappiness in the M (eg, your sitch), you make it harder to save your M, and push her further away. If you are to save your M, I believe it will only be after you truly let go and give her the space she needs. She still hasn't gotten that. I know how scary and tough it is to do that, because you and I are a lot alike in this way (though in slightly different ways, I think, if that makes sense. But you have to do it man!

Anyways, chew on that for a bit. See if it makes sense.

Later,
Nomo

PS - Sorry I couldn't call you back yesterday. My night with the kiddos.

[Puddle]

Hey CVA,

Sounds like you guys are moving to a different place and I get the sense there is some tension lifted?

Amen. I think we're getting there. You will, too.

Talking to her is literally like bashing my head against the wall, even for simple stuff.

So she never *ever* brings anything up, not about plans for a split, filing, nothing? Ever?

it is really subconscious as much as my conscious mind wants to DB and all that, it is happening in the back of my mind, "dont respond to that BS, it wont do any good CVA" You know what I mean?

Well, that voice sounds wise, and not contrary to DBing. Do you see a conflict?

The more that happens the more it will happen.

Ommmmm.

it just "happens" vs. a concerted wake up call of a 180, me moving out, whatever. Subtle vs. a Hammer.

Choosing not to respond to provocation doesn't just happen. Maybe instead of thinking, "I'm not going to respond to that because not responding will help my R," you're thinking, "I'm not going to respond to that because there's no point," but the action is the same. The intention may lend the action a subtle flavor; I don't know.

I have decided to go for the "ready to move in" version as I and my colleagues concluded my time is better spent focusing on work than redoing a house.

That sounds like a good reason. Do you think focusing on work will get you to a better place than enjoying working on the house would?

Whew Puddle, my fingers are now officially worn out!

I'm certainly impressed. I'll look forward to hearing about the email.

Take care.

[Nomopo]

it is really subconscious as much as my conscious mind wants to DB and all that, it is happening in the back of my mind, "dont respond to that BS, it wont do any good CVA" You know what I mean?

Well, that voice sounds wise, and not contrary to DBing. Do you see a conflict?[

Uh, yeah, what Puddle said.

Nomo

[Not Much Left]

Thanks Nomo and Puddle.
Nomo
The "This" is just letting things happen vs. taking action. Your pt is to make something happen by my actions vs. letting it just drift and drift and fall apart.

Puddle
To your question, No she *never* brings up anything. Almost has dwindled to not even small talk, which leads me to believe things are not going well at all.

On the house thing, unfortunately I will have a lot of fun furnishing it so....not money well spend unless we get D'd.
I have this sneaking suspicion the contracting of redoing a house would get me in a worse place although I'v always wanted to prove to myself that I can get this done on my own and make all the decisions vs. waiting for W to make one which is torture.

Thanks again, appreciate it.

[Nomopo]

Your pt is to make something happen by my actions vs. letting it just drift and drift and fall apart.

Nope, my point is quit trying to make things happen in any way, and focus on you and what you want/need. That is giving her the time and space she needs, and its your only chance. Quit trying so hard, CVA. Let go of the rope. Quit banging your head against the wall. It's the only chance you have! And if it doesn't work out, it's how you'll be best off. Make sense?

Nomo

[Not Much Left]

Sorry
I understood what you meant and I just meant me taking actions like the house for *me* not to make her wake up. Realizing the possible eventual outcome puts me in the "acceptance" stage of all this, doesnt it? I am there. The only thing I am doing now that is contrary to this concept is that I am around she and the kids so much you are right, I am sure she feels pressured. Hell, i am at the house right now working out of my office. It was a logistical thing, dictated by what *she* was doing today and the kids, but still. I hear ya. I will get there.

C

[Puddle]

So, CVA, you're saying you've moved on to the acceptance phase while realizing W has never got the space she wants/needs?

I'm all for detaching/accepting, but man, sounds like you still have some tunnels to explore. Maybe the space thing will cause some movement on her part, either direction.

For me, I feel like things are much more settled. You still have some exploration to do. And that's good.

Take care.

[Not Much Left]

Agreed
Good observation as always.

Few things I havent done.

1. Talk to her about going to see my C in an effort to help me. Did this before, that is when I switched C's as my guy was worthless. First reaction to this from the outside world is, "you didnt hear what you wanted" and although true, I am still taking my beating at the new C's and intend to stay with her despite the fact she costs more. W may or may not go, just hasnt felt right to say anything but am going to shortly.

2. In terms of Tunnels to explore, assume you mean giving her the space she really needs. Agreed. I will be doing this.

What I am saying is that it took me all this time to actually get the b&lls to move completely away although she is not asking specifically for that. In fact, she will most likely not be happy about any of it in terms of how it affects *her*. So in an effort to keep it moving, time to pull myself up by the bootstraps as they say and move to whatever the next phase is.

Oh, forgot to mention, FIL and MIL are coming in for grandparents day. It has always been a weird relationship with them. Wondering if I really shouldnt just bow out of the weekend like I sort of did last weekend when SIL was in town. Big issue here is that is one of her gripes about me, I never tried at a R with her parents. Yeah, whatever. Long story but trust me, this is really one where it goes both ways and I dont have the energy to talk to another brick wall MIL and a FIL who talks fishing 24/7, literally. He is a lonely man (ya think? married to my Ws mother who does not say squat either!) They will literally sit in a room in complete silence for however long...I am good for about 5 seconds so there ya go.

Puddle, you bring it out in me, this is good therapy! Best I have had in a while!

Thanks
C

[Nomopo]

Big issue here is that is one of her gripes about me, I never tried at a R with her parents. Yeah, whatever.

CVA??????????????????

[Puddle]

Hey CVA,

Big issue here is that is one of her gripes about me, I never tried at a R with her parents. Yeah, whatever.

CVA??????????????????

Big ditto from me!

Good lord, man, talk fishing!

Puddle, you bring it out in me, this is good therapy! Best I have had in a while!

Great! Tell me what C's rates are. I need to figure out how to up my income.

Take care.