Hardly faking it anymore: Puddle's third thread

[Puddle]

Hey Nomo,

Getting caught up on your thread, ok?

Happy to hear your thoughts, always.

H will have to understand that once you guys work out a solution on custody (for a D or maybe now for a S), he will have his responsibilities that he will have to handle. He can ask for your help (and if I were you I'd want him to because they are your kids), but if you can't, he has to deal. No pissing and crying. Welcome to the reality of S/D.

Yes, I agree with this. Considering his request (more like a statement) came after long days of silent hostility, I was concerned about being a doormat. But I do want to be the person who's there for the kids, if I can, when he can't. The reality of custody, whatever it's going to be (and right now I'd guess it's going to be almost all me with liberal visitation for him, but that's right now and neither here nor there), hasn't affected him yet. My sister jokingly suggest I push for 75% for him and 25% for me because it would freak him out. Of course I'd never do that.

He's clearly stated his position. I'd accept it and move on. If it turns out he's lied about COW, he have to live/deal with it. Focus on you.

I don't feel like I'm unduly focussed (or much at all focussed) on COW and H or H and anyone else. This arose purely in regard to the upcoming C appt and if/when to introduce romantic interests to the kids. I wasn't interested in clarity other than in regard to that, I think. The focus there was the kids.

Beautiful, huh? Description please.

6'4" (yeah, I know), wavy sandy blond hair, blond beard, blue eyes---looks like a lumberjack. Actually not my ideal physical type (coloring-wise), but darned handsome nonetheless.

By the way, the "cool conversation" was about whether or not it's okay to sleep with someone who's married, as he'd had a big come-on from a married woman (and had declined).

What positions did you take? Has your's changed?

I was amazed that he'd need to consult with friends (which he did) to figure out what to do. I asked only, "Is it okay with you?" Actually, I remember thinking he was kind of a dork after that. But no, my position of "what's okay with you?" hasn't changed. I was far less interested in whether or not it was okay with the woman and what her H might have thought.

So, my point is, the peace of mind you are hoping to get from any convos is only as good as your H's willingness to honor anything coming out of those convos.

This is an excellent point, thanks. And you're right: reassurances aren't worth the email they're written on.

I think he is almost certainly interested.

I'm actually not convinced (especially after his "I can squeeze you in for an hour" comment). He did say something about the dreaded "connection" he felt talking to me, but also said he felt a bit of that with a guy from the hangout. I think it's probably more friendly than romantic, and that's fine.

Has he been married? Does he have kids? If not, get ready for your new trickiness to dating. How old is he? How mature?

He's been married, for a green card only. No kids. He's 38, if I remember correctly. Maturity? Not sure.

Not that you shouldn't be worried, but this guy may not have considered what a R with you would really look like (not that your're going there yet), so if and when it gets to that point be ready to watch (or help) him stumble through it.

I have absolutely no intention of getting involved in a romantic R right now, though I'm not blind to the fact that it's a possibility. It's a long way down the line yet, though, I'm fairly confident.

I don't think it's a date if you're open and honest with him. If he hears the right words, but still is interested, well he's a big boy and can choose to enter that situation

What exactly would the right words be?

Even though the part about you was flawed, still very interesting.

Yeah, unfortunately true. H was behaving in a way that I considered inappropriate with COW (and my calling him on that was what finally led him to drop the bomb), and her ex saw it, too. The thing is, he had cried wolf so many times---as far as he was concerned, she was sleeping with everyone, regardless of gender or sexual orientation---and himself is clearly an alcoholic, so no one paid much attention.

But yes, in this case there was some truth to it. It's another one of the things that I found humiliating (or rather, my reaction to his accusations---righteous indignation---caused me some humiliation later) that caused me to put distance between myself and the place.

Screw all of them. They will think what they want. You can't control what they think, hear, know or care. You can only control you. Handle this however YOU WANT to. Focus on you

Yes, on me. That's the part I'm dealing with---getting over *myself* and getting back there. I know it's all me.

Excellent! Ask him if there is any risk to you dating. Is there fault-based D there?

I'm pretty sure we're all no-fault out here in CA. I'll ask her, though I think she's out of town right now.

Is he MLC? Have you considered that?

I thought about that a bit, especially at the beginning, but quickly decided it didn't really matter. Wondering about that just caused me to spend time analyzing him, wondering what he's thinking here or there, and I gave it up. He may well be.

You could try it. To me, normal DB rules don't apply as strongly when the kids' interests are at issue. Would be better to raise it with the CP you're going to talk to, I think.

I'm feeling a lot better about that part since our talk last night. I think the kids (or the 7-year-old, anyway) have noticed already, so the damage there is done. I may mention it tomorrow at the appt, though, so we don't fall into that pattern again.

Hee hee. I don't know. Back in the day I was a pretty free-wheelin' gal.

Please provide some specific examples.

LOL! Um, no thanks. I can't believe a lawyer is encouraging me to disclose specifics about my checkered past in a public forum with a D looming!

You're newbie still, technically at least.

Oh, I know it, though I'm finding myself less and less able to relate to the first stages I read about here. I think that's forward motion.

Oh, she's pretty smitten (so she says).

I have no doubt.

Though I don't think more than she "intended." But what do i do? Nothing different. What am I missing? We've been honest about our respective sitches, and even discussed these types of points specifically more than once. So, like I've said, we're both eyes wide open about the complications and the risks.

This sounds reasonable. Does she have kids? Any intention of ever introducing her to yours?

Good stuff. Sorry you are/were sad. To be expected. ((((Puddle))))

Thanks. It was okay, though, and seemed to put H in a place where he can be better-disposed toward me. Or maybe it was something completely different---who knows.

Don't take this personally. It's really not about you. Just FIL, drawing on his own experience, to try to help his extremely confused son.

Yeah, I totally get this. He's very worried about his son, as I would be if it were mine.

I'm more nervous about the question, "So why haven't you been around?" than losing control and doing something I regret.

Try - "I've been busy

Yeah, but...

There are some positives in your sitch to build a healthy R going forward, if not to save your M. So, it could be worse.

I agree wholeheartedly. We'll be okay, whatever happens.

said he's working hard at getting his head out of his a$$ (says he'll need forceps, it's lodged in there so well).

Maybe I could be of some assitance.

Shall I offer your help?

OK, so I can see you tonight having a drink, what I wouldnt give to be a fly on the wall

I'd rather be the guy across the table.

I wouldn't tell H. None of his business about the particulars, right? He wants to date, and wants you to date. That's all he needs to know, IMO.

I agree, which is why I'd feel bad if this guy unwittingly gave H particulars, and at the same time set himself up for some weirdness at the place without having any idea what's going on.

But I would tell this guy, if you have any interest in him or if he expresses any in you, that you and H are separating/divorcing (whatever is true).

We'll see how the conversation goes, but considering this is a pretty big part of what's been going on in my life, I may very well tell him, even if it turns out to be just a friendship.

You could also tell him it's not public really, to your knowledge, and you'd appreciate it if he didn't spread it around yet. Just my thoughts.

I'm not worried about him talking about the S/D, just that he knows since some people do know about the S/D, announcing we went out might cause some awkwardness, for him, H, maybe even COW. Maybe me.

Doesn't sound too bad.

*Too* bad?

As always, FOCUS ON YOU AND WHAT YOU WANT. REALLY. WHAT DO YOU WANT VIS A VIS COW????

Funny you mention that. I was just thinking I'd like to be friendly with her, but I'm concerned that might be awkward for *H.* So okay, yes, I need to focus more on me!

TONIGHT??? THE OTHER GUY???

Ugh. I want to have fun. I want to talk to an attractive guy who doesn't clearly Not. Want. To. Be. With. Me. I want to flirt a little. How's that?

Puddle, this focusing on you is the KEY. I don't sense you have that going on yet as much as you will. The faster you get there, the better.

Thanks, Nomo, you're absolutely right. I have to stop worrying about H and whether or not he'll be okay, about the ILs and how they're hurting, about what other people might possibly think/say and what they know or don't. Me me me me me me me. Mememememememe. Thanks.

Have you realized, Nomo, how many posts you have? Wow.

Take care.