Matilda: You do raise a good point about the "Simlicity factor" You're right about that. Hill, unlike many of my friends, you GET why I volunteered to come here. It was a need to satisfy that "I can't sit by anymore" thing which has gnawed at me since 9/11, coupled with the fact that I just didn't want to sit by and watch the sand run out of the "year separation" hour glass. Her email was pretty specific: "My opinion and position on our marriage is the same as it has been for the past several years"....13 months into the separation. I think Matilda was just saying it's not "that simple that I (we) jsut looked out for ourselves"
I'll continue to fight, but I think with this huge accomplishment checked off the list of things "I needed to do before I die" list, I can come home with a lot of inner peace and perhaps tranquility that I never would have had if I didn't come to Iraq. I came to the belly of the beast, and not only survived, but thrived under the immense pressure of being a General Staff Officer. Going through a 9 month trainup followed by deploying here, I've really scratched the itch to "make history" and stand next to my generations of Bands of Brothers...Hill, you and T2 GET THAT.
Thanks, guys..talk to you soon. How's the weatehr in LA, Hill? Are you impacted by the wildfires?
Matilda: You do raise a good point about the "Simlicity factor" You're right about that. Hill, unlike many of my friends, you GET why I volunteered to come here. It was a need to satisfy that "I can't sit by anymore" thing which has gnawed at me since 9/11, coupled with the fact that I just didn't want to sit by and watch the sand run out of the "year separation" hour glass. Her email was pretty specific: "My opinion and position on our marriage is the same as it has been for the past several years"....13 months into the separation. I think Matilda was just saying it's not "that simple that I (we) jsut looked out for ourselves"
I'll continue to fight, but I think with this huge accomplishment checked off the list of things "I needed to do before I die" list, I can come home with a lot of inner peace and perhaps tranquility that I never would have had if I didn't come to Iraq. I came to the belly of the beast, and not only survived, but thrived under the immense pressure of being a General Staff Officer. Going through a 9 month trainup followed by deploying here, I've really scratched the itch to "make history" and stand next to my generations of Bands of Brothers...Hill, you and T2 GET THAT.
Thanks, guys..talk to you soon. How's the weatehr in LA, Hill? Are you impacted by the wildfires?
LA = Lower Alabama The other LA. We've had 15" of rain in the last week, red tide in the gulf, a few tornados, but no hurricanes so it's still good.
A few things burn underwater like VW engines but not many. Anyway don't be too hard on our civilian friends.
I consider our mental make up vs most of America similar to men and women. There is quite a divide in wishes, thought process, motivations, rewards, and validation. We can read and work on understanding but it's like a DC motor being converted to AC power. Not efficient or easy and when it comes to women if you think you got the rules down they change.
Since we are few by comparison our thought processes are not considered mainstream though without them we would be rabble and without us they'd speak Russian, The Queen's English, or whatever.
Could we be invaded by Sweedish bikini team? Please. I'll learn the lingo.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
P.S. I'm proud of you guys (FLTC and Hill and everyone else who has been in the midst of it all!). It's also good to hear the positive out of what is a hardship tour!
Well Matilda2 I agree on the difficulity of relationships. I certainly have been guilty of being lazy and not working it. However in any case you ladies do make the rules, they change, and you think of new colors to confuse us further.
As Bartle and James would say. Thank you for yer Support.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
Thanks, folks. My support net seems to have dwindled to you two!
OK: Quick question and how to proceed.
As you may recall, I made a mistake and asked D17 if W. was dating because she had mentioned it on the parent portal, the only way we can communicate with her at her school (as you may recall, she was troubled beyond belief, and we sent her to this school in Utah for kids that are way out of control). Much of her issues had to do with relationship with W. who is pure raw emotion. They would fight always, even physically.
At that point D17 started to engage me about the “positives of divorce” “You know Mom’s emotions control the family, and if Mom is happy, we’re all happy”. I believe this was because of counselor-W.-D17 sessions on the phone. I did ask D17 if “Mom was talking about Divorce” I know….wrong….bad…….never again…..period.
W. shot back that if I wanted to know about her personal life I could ask her. If she wanted a divorce, I could ask her. She did not know why D17 mentioned dating, but she had developed a close friendship with her 65 year old boss, who by all indications is a happily married attorney she works for. I already knew this and wrote about it months ago.
I wrote her back and said that kids were confused by her relationship with boss. D14 was creeped out by his presence, and D17 called her a “whore” at one point, which I promptly shut down, and admonished her for. (They do feel what they feel, however)
I told her if she was dating, I couldn’t stop it.
She wrote back and told me that “I shouldn’t put the kids in the role of my support” Got it. Did that long ago, when I really came unglued. Embarrassing to talk about. I shouldn’t have asked D17 the question. I understand that.
She went on to say that she assumed that I was saying the same things to D15, which I have not, but that D15 WOULD NOT TELL HER WHAT WE TALK ABOUT! Wouldn’t it seem that she did the same thing she asked me not to do? Ask the kids about what I said? She also said “This is hard enough on the kids already”
This is where I lose it. It IS hard enough on the kids. What part of this will ever get easier for them? They will go through life with a broken family. We’re all supposed to buy into the “Good Divorce” thing? This is where I just want to write back and say “THIS IS ALL YOUR CHOICE!!!” I know I have to be strong for my kids, but in no way will I own the fact that the family will be separated. I have been patient, understanding, validating through 2 years of being beat up, and “standing in the pocket” taking it.
COG might tell me to unload at this point. Noting is working after 2 years anyway. You’re right…it is hard on them. Hello????????
Do I respond? How do I respond. I want to shake her at this point!
FLTC Honestly your plate is full now. Forcing issues with W 7K miles away is not good tatics. What you say is correct it is her choice and one cannot revisit history or why she got to that point. (legit or not)
If I would respond I would state my position on divorce it's after effects on the kids and little else. My 2cents.
A good divorce is one that is busted.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
She wrote back and told me that “I shouldn’t put the kids in the role of my support”
It IS hard enough on the kids. What part of this will ever get easier for them?
I know I am not responding to your question re. how you should respond to your wife. Instead I'm interested in how you are keeping in contact with your children. (I know you have limited contact with D in Utah). I agree that they shouldn't be your only support, but you must show them you support them and love them no matter what happens with your marriage! I know you have the trip planned in the spring. I know phone calls are sporadic. What else? Do you keep in contact via email? Do you send snail mail letters? Do you know how they are doing in school? I have a D17 so I know how difficult relationships can be even when life at home is good!
Have you seen the book about 5 Love Languages for Teenagers? I bet there are other books out there that would help us.
I am probably way off track as to what is on your mind, but this is where my mind is right now.
FLTC, sorry I'm not on the boards quite as much mainly so I can focus more on myself.
My friend, I see you as still trying to control your wife. You seem to be holding on way to tight here and need to let go for your good, her good and your kids good. Let go, trust in God and let Him worry about her for a while. You still need to work on focusing on yourself and what is best for you. Then consider your kids and what is best for them. Remember you can't "fix" this, you can only support your kids by being a great father and taking care of yourself.
Lastly, it's clear any conversation you have with your kids gets back to your wife. Be it good, bad or indifferent the conversations get back to her and every time it backfires it some fashion. So keep your conversations with your kids about your relationship with them. When the subject of your wife comes up, change it unless it's something like the name calling that needs to be stopped.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Communication (OR NON COMMUNICATION) can be a factor on both sides.