There and Back, #10

[SallyM]

thanks, care. I really appreciate your help here.

okay, will not tell him time frame when he gets here, but if I need to end it, will tell him then (give him a heads up) that there is someplace I need to be.

breathing in, breathing out.

I know the sun will rise/set on sunday, but wow, this sucks.

[Trixi]

((((((((((Morgan)))))))))))))
Even IF that is what he wants to talk about, there are still many WAS that change their mind in the 11th hour. There is still time.

Having said that, I totally feel for you and wanting to be 'ready'. Can a LBS *ever* really be ready when they are still wanting to save their marriage? I don't see how they could. Shoot, even WAS have second thoughts when confronted with the reality.

You are beautiful, funny, intelligent, caring (all this so apparent from just this forum) and I can only imagine how great you are in real life. Your H is messed up. It's really is NOT you.

I know that the people that care for us, just want this to be over and want our spouse to stop d!ckng us around, but I always feel a little miffed about this. *I* will know when I am ready to give up and I don't "appreciate" outsiders trying to speed up the process. But, that's just me.

[SallyM]

omg, I am freaking going to go off on him. someone stop me. I just got his mc bill...I pay the bills still, keep in mind.

he has put $2k on the bill this month. holy crap. is he kidding me? the springsteen tix...he bought them. is he kidding me? I'm sitting here trying to be fairly careful with my spending, and he's spending $400 on tix to a f'ing concert???? he wanted to cash his pension in...he already cashed our stocks in...all the while spending like this.

I'm angry. I'm upset about saturday's pending divorce talk, but not I am ripping mad. dinners out everywhere...$500 on new clothes, $400 on concert tix. I'm so mad I could scream.

why, why, why??????

and he still hasn't deposited the stock money.

[SallyM]

okay, just called him and asked about the stocks. he told me he hasn't cashed it yet. I sounded pissed at him, but didn't say anything more. trust me, he knows. and I know I shouldn't have called.

I just wrote out a fuming mad e-mail...guessing I probably shouldn't send it. I am so angry. but for the first time, I think I am just going to hit delete and put myself on the 48 hour rule.

I can't believe he is doing this. I can't. this $2k is on top of his normal amex bill, this is just extra. and its all crap.

so not only is he set to throw away us, but he's also going to spend us into the toilet at the same time. nice. nice guy.

[SallyM]

yeah, once again the 48 hour rule bit the dust. I just called him. went off on him. am just mad and hurt.

I ended up apologizing for going off on him while he was at work. yeah, that's me, doormat surpreme.

he did apologize up and down the block...said those charges were before he had made the decision to stop spending and such.

there was one dinner for $300 that pissed me off, along with the concert tix. those were what irritated me the most, I guess, because I assume they are all about OW. he made the comment that I didn't know what

omg, this was all a big mistake. all of it. should have listened to the 48 hour rule. now I feel rotten and he's angry and thing are nasty between us again.

[SallyM]

okay, off the phone with my friend (the therapist, not my therapist) and she helped me compose an e-mail to H. she kicked me around a bit, made me realize I am doing a lot of H's thinking for him once again.

so we shall see. we'll see if he responds to my e-mail, and we'll see what saturday will bring.

breathing in, breathing out, breathing in, breathing out.

[forever21]

Hi Morgan,

{{{{{{{Morgan}}}}}}}

You are right... that's what the 48-hour rule is for. But we've all backslided before. It is times like these that help you truly learn the lessons. I know I could have followed it (even recently) more times than I made myself. We have to be accountable to ourselves... that is what matters really.

It didn't usually help me to beat myself up over everything I did wrong, every backslide. What I do find that works is sitting quietly (after screaming and crying if needed), belly breathing, journaling, just loving myself... treating myself like I'd want a friend to treat me. I'd get out the anger/frustration/etc, and then force myself to lovingly accept everything as it is. Don't forget to accept that you are not perfect. Accept the consequences of your actions and choices. Then pick yourself up and dust yourself off. It's okay, this is challenging stuff. (to say the least) Next time, don't leave yourself an out so easily. You will get better and better at this. Make sure you recognize your own baby steps.

My H also did the crazy MLC-spending. Thousands of dollars a month for several months. And I still handle the bills too (except for one credit card, and credit lines he's opened since), even after my H's been gone for a year now. I know how hard it is. It does give us some control over the sitch though, in our positions. I think it's a very personal decision how you will deal with the financial aspect. What works for one, is not what works or feels healthy or right to another. M is a financial partnership too, especially in states like mine. We do have a say in regards to the finances. Can't control our H of course, but we do get to choose how we want to deal with the situation and protect ourselves or not. Lucky us, yeah? My H recently told me he is F'd financially. One more thing to help him bottom out, IMHO.

Hope that helps.

Peace and love. f21

[SallyM]

thanks, f21. I appreciate it.

we had a bit of an e-mail exchange (2 crossed, we e-mailed at the same time):

from me:

I'm sorry about that just now, H. I keep thinking I have made a ton of progress, but every once in a while I take a step back for a bit....my emotions were a bit heightened from your e-mail this morning just me wondering what it is specifically you want to talk about.


from him (the one that crossed):
She (meaning his mom, about saturday) is available all day and night so whatever works for you.

I will deposit that check (stocks) today. I really did just forget, I was not being underhanded or evil.

my response:
you don't have to do it today, I know you weren't being evil or underhanded...I know that. I don't think you are evil, H. I know you are a good man. I hadn't even checked the acct, had to today for a different reason and realized it wasn't there and didn't know if you had decided on something I didn't know about. again, probably my emotions being a bit heightened.

anytime works for me on saturday. do you have a preference?


his response:

Morgan, you and I both know that I am not a good man. I’m not evil either, probably somewhere in the middle but you don’t have to say that.

Do you want me to come in morning or at night? Do you want to do like 5 and I can just have her put them to bed.

my response:

5 is perfect.

and I do know you are a good man. a good man who had done some not-so-good things, but a good man none-the-less.

he should be here in the next half hour/hour to spend some time with the kids, and I'm headed out while he is here. going to try to keep a check on my mouth until saturday...not easy for me sometimes, obviously.

my therapist is coming in special for me thursday...she normally starts at 10 but is having her mom take her own kids to day care (her kids are about the same ages as mine) so she can meet me an hour earlier. I'm grateful she is so wonderful and willing to do this, I need the appt. to help deal with saturday.

she gave me an assigment in the meantime, so have that to work on.

just hoping to get thru tonight. I really wish that damned bill hadn't come today, and if it had, I wish I hadn't opened it.

ahh, well, water under the bridge.

wish me luck, all. the next couple of hours are not going to be easy.

[LooseThread]

Morgs I've only got a sec but....

Dammit woman! You DONT KNOW WHAT'S IN HIS HEAD!

Stop stressing, you don't know what he will say. Honestly you don't. Trust me, I've been there.

Either way he goes, you WILL BE ALRIGHT.

[SallyM]

thanks casey. thank you.

okay, I survived. it was really weird at first. h came over and I was sitting out on our front steps watching the kids chase leaves...its a blustery fall day here, but weirdly warm, and they were having a ball. he came over to me, barely met my eye, squatted near me for a bit (god forbid he sit next to me) with neither of us really looking at each other/saying much. then, god love him, he just said, "awkwaaaaard" and made me laugh.

last laugh, though. we talked a bit about the kids, then I said I had to run some errands, so headed out. I did have to go to target for something, but honestly spent most of the time reading a magazine in the parking lot and talking to my sister on the phone, scared to death to go home. just not wanting to deal.

finally sucked it up and drove home right as he was finishing up putting them to bed. I gave the kids quick(ish) kisses, and came downstairs, where he was ready to leave waiting to say goodbye.

I girded my loins and tried my damndest to act as if and asked how he was doing. he asked me what was up, why was I looking like that. I asked like what...he said like I care. I told him I have always cared. then he had the nerve to say I had a look like what happened sunday would happen again. so apparently my "as if" look is the same as my "sexy" look? I didn't really know what to say, sat there looking like a lobotomy patient at him. he said it couldn't happen again. that it would just lead me down a path that wasn't good, that he was confused, couldn't figure me out. and that was that. he turned and left. I told him to drive safe tomorrow.

and now I am breathing again, and crying just a little. and wishing I had him home to share this night with. would love nothing better than to sit out on the porch while the wind blows around us. maybe head off to the hammock for a while. ahh, well, we can dream, right?

damn

well, the good news is I think I am free until friday. as much as he says he is going to come tomorrow if possible, I don't really see that happening...traffic, whatever, will stop him. so friday kid exchange, then saturday the big talk.

eta, I am laughing now that I think about it...I mean, I was rejected and I didn't even try to seduce him. lol.