Nomopo's Thread

[Just_Me]

I think there are two ways to handle the anniversary. You could either do nothing at all...no card, no gift, no acknowledgement or you could get a gift. I don't say, just a card, because I think it's pursuing (as is a gift), but it's also a very minimal effort. Either the anniversay means something to you or it doesn't. So I gave you two choices....which would I recommend? That depends on you and your relationship with the W. If you're in situation hopeless, then I'm of the mind that it doesn't really matter how it's perceived/taken by your W. You can't do much more harm. You can give a gift and card (with the words suggested already that say you are happy that you got to share in a portion of her life) without expectations of anything good coming of it (best to maybe do this from afar....don't drop it off personally). Sure, it will likely be seen as pursuit, but if you're doing it because you care about her and this occasion, then don't worry about it. If you choose to do nothing then you aren't pursuing, but you also are saying you are on the same page as your W about the importance of the marriage.

What did I do? I was already divorced by my anniversary so there wasn't much point. I sent an e-mail. I did give gifts for other occasions like her b-day and Xmas.

[chicki]

JM,


These are very wise words!!!

I too feel the same if you see the importance of the M..then dont stoop down to their level..in otherwords dont do an EYE-FOR EYE kinda thing..show how you have grown neverminding how the WAS feel..

My anniversary is coming next month an dI think I will do teh email card thing, maybe..

[Nomopo]

Good morning All!

So Nomo, you're back to the grownup you now? How's it feeling? Surely there are some hot spots there you haven't yet discovered?

Oh no. Just slowing down and looking for that happy balance. Put on some weight the past 6 weeks so would like to reverse that trend, but I don't ever want to go back to full blown Pusher Nomo with Fun Nomo only in charge about 1-5% of the time.

It's funny. Was hanging with a very close friend this weekend from out of town. Known him 25 years and he's perhaps my closest friend in the world (definitely top 3 or 4). He was talking to someone else (with me there), and I can't remember how it came up, but he said somehting like this: "This Nomo is the one I knew. The fun, charismatic, happy go lucky guy that everyone liked to be around. Living life to its fullest - not getting to wrapped up in work/school, athletic competitions, etc. He had balance. But the Nomo for the last 10 years (note: married life!) was different. It's hard to explain. He just wasn't as happy or fun to be around. It was almost like he was dead, going through the motions."

Very interesting. I had sort of figured out I had changed, and lost balance and perspective since gettng married or serious with W and starting my legal career in a new city, but it was very powerful to hear that from someone who knows me as well as anyone. So, I don't want to go back to that at all, and I won't. Not that I need a second adolesence, but I do need plenty of fun, joy, happiness - and balance. Think goodness I woke up to it now, and not later, so i can make the most of the rest of my days.

with regard to your anniversary, I'd suggest you do nothing, not even the backup card. IF she initiates something, you can always react spontaneously, authentically, and sincerely, whatever that means at the time.

A distant, removed, anniversary card that does nothing other than to highlight the gaping wound in your lives by its contrast with what an anniversary card should be isn't really going to be good for anyone.

Makes sense. Thanks.

Thanks for your advice too J_M.

I don't say, just a card, because I think it's pursuing (as is a gift), but it's also a very minimal effort.

Good point.

Either the anniversay means something to you or it doesn't.

Doesn't mean much right now. I absolutely do not feel married to my W. We are completely separate people rigght now, separate lives, but for the kids (which is a big but, but does not make me feel married to W.)

So I gave you two choices....which would I recommend? That depends on you and your relationship with the W. If you're in situation hopeless, then I'm of the mind that it doesn't really matter how it's perceived/taken by your W. You can't do much more harm. You can give a gift and card (with the words suggested already that say you are happy that you got to share in a portion of her life) without expectations of anything good coming of it (best to maybe do this from afar....don't drop it off personally). Sure, it will likely be seen as pursuit, but if you're doing it because you care about her and this occasion, then don't worry about it. If you choose to do nothing then you aren't pursuing, but you also are saying you are on the same page as your W about the importance of the marriage.

Well, I wouldn't call it 100% hopeless, but 99% hopeless. Although I would have no expectations about how it was received or what effect it would have on saving my M, it would be pursuit and I see that as harmful to any small chance I have. I care about W as a person and as the mother of my kids, but not as my W, and I don't care about this anniversary. And I have told W several times over the past two months that I am on the same page with her with regards to our M (eg, she's right, it's hopeless, it can't be saved, and I am moving on).

What did I do? I was already divorced by my anniversary so there wasn't much point. I sent an e-mail. I did give gifts for other occasions like her b-day and Xmas.

Hmmm. Hadn't thought about other occasions much, but I did give her a gift for her September birthday. Will for xmas too I'm sure.

if you see the importance of the M..then dont stoop down to their level..in otherwords dont do an EYE-FOR EYE kinda thing..show how you have grown neverminding how the WAS feel..

But chicki, my experience in my sitch is that all those months I was saving the M while she refused to work on it amounted to (1) pursuit/pressure and (2) tension between us. I believe the pursuit/pressure and tension blocked any hope of reconciliation. By finally letting go, and telling her I agree and don;t want to work on the M, etc., the tension seems to have finally dissipated. Does that mean she will come back? No, but she could. And if she doesn't, it probably means we have the best chance to heal and salavage whatever we can of a R (friends? co-parents?). So I don't want to take a stand for M anymore because that equaled battling my spouse. We all have to let go, I believe.

Thanks all!
Nomo

[Not Much Left]

Nomo
Big Noise!
What i saw was certainly fun Nomo. I know there is a serious one in there too and we talked about that. At the end of the day, you and I and all us here will have to DEAL with our current Spouse no matter what happens, I suppose it may as well be friendly. Taking the high road in this sitch is always the best thing to do which you are certainly doing.

So now that Drinking Nomo is out for a few weeks, workout, lose that weight, and focus on work!

See ya bud.
C

[Heimlich]

Nomo,

Quick thought for you regarding the loss of fun Nomo during your M. If you've not gone over this in IC, I'll be surprised, so it's probably obvious, but one never knows. Anyway, when you got married did you feel the need to be a "husband" and felt constrained by that role? I know my W changed after having the girls, moving from being a lot of fun to really being a "mom." In the last few years, I started to feel less like myself and more like a stereotype -- married, 2 kids, minivan, townhouse in suburbs.

FWIW.

BD

[Nomopo]

Hello CVA and Heim!

If you've not gone over this in IC, I'll be surprised, so it's probably obvious, but one never knows.

Covered at length and in depth!!!

Anyway, when you got married did you feel the need to be a "husband" and felt constrained by that role?

Actually, I think it really got bad with the birth of S7, when I felt the pressures of being a dad in a two-professional house where W focused intensely on work. That was also about the same time W and I came up for partner at our respective law firms.

Nomo

[Puddle]

Hey Nomo,

Oh my gosh, two lawyers up for partner in the same house and a new baby on the scene---I can imagine that would've been stressful.

It sounds like you're well on your way to making a smooth transition to an even keel after kicking up your heels a bit. It's great that someone so close to you confirms that you're also projecting what you're feeling. Good for you!

Take care.

[Nomopo]

Hi Puddle!

Oh my gosh, two lawyers up for partner in the same house and a new baby on the scene---I can imagine that would've been stressful.

Nah, it was a piece of cake, and light and pleasant too.

Nomo

[Not Much Left]

Yeah, right
That's about as bad as two bankers in the house! OK, 2 lawyers = 1 Crazed IBanker + 2kids under 2? I see you and raise you 2 more kids, awww, oh well, arrhh, you get my pt!

You are a machine Nomo! High stress does not equal high marriage success! When did they teach that in school?

c

[Willing NJ H]

Hey Nomo, Heim, CVA, and everyone else...

I've been gone for a while, had to just let go and get my head on straight. Good to see your doing well Nomo! I haven't had much time to check in on anyone else, and decided today to catch-up with DBing.

Just wanted to say hi, I'll be posting a new thread on my new sitch. Thanks to all of you for helping me with this tough sitch... I couldn't have made it through without you.