There and Back, #10

[mkultra]

OK two choices. Agree to everything. "sure, pick a time. I am available at these times. Great idea." Or avoid talking about the R at all. "Oh, it's Ok you did not call. You can make it up to the kids by taking us out for ice cream! I am swamped with all the Halloween stuff at school right now, how about next month after all the Halloween madness has died down a bit?"

[SallyM]

oh god, mk, it means he's ready to talk divorce. he probably is not as confused as he thinks he is. he probably realizes that things can't go on this way, that he knows what he wants. probably talked to his buddy last night, who maybe told him to stop dicking with me, or to go for what he wants with ow and such.

trust me, if this was good news for me, it wouldn't be like this....he would be on my doorstep.

this is bad. and I can't stop crying. omg, I don't want this. but I can't stop a train wreck, can I?

sh!t.

how am I going to do this w/o crying? how??? how am I going to do this? lwb, will you come and do it for me? you are always so strong.

I want to throw up.

just e-mailed him and asked if his mom could watch them on saturday maybe so we could talk.

hey, at least that gives me saturday night to try to get myself together for the kids to come on sunday.

[mkultra]

Yes, you are right. He feels pressure to be out of the marriage. So you will need to proceed in a way that protects yourself. His life is filled with such emptiness he needs to move on to see if he can be happier outside of the marriage and perhaps save you any more pain in his twisted version of things. Divorce does not mean the be all end all. My mother and father are not married but they are still family and they still love each other, and as gross as it sounds, I think they still fool around and I am just in denial about it! But the point is, you and H will always be a family so be as positive as possible. You know, Morgan, you know he is making a mistake but it is his mistake to make at this point. Ughhhh. You did the right thing. Your email was the right thing. Plus, you don't have to be strong at this point. You just have to stay foucused and positve. Think, "I do not want a divorce, but I have faith that you will do what is best for our family." remember sometimes people need to go throughthe full process of a divorce to start over in a blank slate. That has happened to two of my best friends' families. Neither one of you has burned any bridges.

[SallyM]

thanks, mk.

I felt like I was doing so good, was prepared for when he finally asked for the divorce, but now I'm a wreck. I need a script. what do I do on saturday?? what do I say??? how do I act? omg.

he is going to see if his mom can watch the kids on saturday. hopefully she can. what will I do when I see him today? oh god. definitely heading to the gym...need to get out of here, away from him. at least he isn't ambushing me with it, at least he gets that it is smarter to do when the kids aren't around and when I have some time to prepare myself.

sh!t

I want to throw up. hey, I wanted to lose 10 more pounds...infidelity flu, c'mon down.

[care]

M, take a breather. This could be a side effect of having sex over the weekend. WAS' tend to either retreat after that or take evasive action. Your H may be starting the ball rolling for a D. Are you even legally S or just S?

Bottom line - it doesn't matter. IMHO - You'll need to collect yourself and have some canned responses to listen to the bunk that he is going to throw at you. "I understand how you feel", "I see where you could feel/think that". Don't say what you think or feel (as he isn't going to care and he'll just take your retort as an attack) except to say that "This is not what I want but I understand that this is what you feel you need to do" "I will not help you in this process but I will not hinder it if this is what you need to do" "My primary focus is on the kids and making sure of their wellbeing"

Things like that. Do the sipping water thing, and (this might be hard for you as I know that the little word bombs can so easily slip out),you'll need to walk away at times to regain your composure. Tell him that you need a few minutes to collect yourself and that you'll come back when you're ready.

I went through this a few times with H; when he was ready to talk about going to mediation, when he wanted to talk about moving out and visititation/schedules with the kids. My H never did anything. Part of me thinks he did it purely for the reaction from me, the other part thinks that he was so torn up he didn't know what to do and thought at the time that he needed to do that. I never pushed it or him. Yes, I cried my eyes out during these talks. I remember going into the bathroom for a long time, I actually was sobbing so hard that I banged my head on the sink and had a huge lump on my head. Even though he could hear me, I didn't let him see me like that and I wouldn't let him console me.

Hang tight, M. You really don't know what your H wants to discuss. Be prepared for the worst, yes. But by expecting the worst you are shutting a door that might still well be open, even it is only opened a crack right now.

[care]

Oh M, and another thing. Have something to do after. Don't let him leave while you're still there. Set a time limit for the talk and say that you have somewhere to go. This is for your benefit for two reasons: first so that you're not held hostage if things go badly for an indefinite period of time. Secondly, so you have something to do after (even if it is a movie by yourself)

[SallyM]

thanks, care. thanks so much. omg, I wish someone could do this for me. I want to go hide under the bed until its over.

called my therapist and will talk to her later, maybe see if she can see me on thursday, if not, will just talk to her on the phone.

am going to write down the responses you guys are giving...I need to practice them. and make sure to have a water bottle near.

will try to listen, will try to say the responses. I need a plan...thanks. will not tell him my feelings, other than this is not what I want, but understand he feels the need to go this route.

I need to keep a check on my emotions and knee-jerk resonses. I need to keep a check on snark and sarcasm. I need to not bring OW up at all. I need to find some kind of inner strenght, even if I feel like a meringue.

my sister just called and I told her what was going on. I think she's frustrated at this point...when I said he said we can't go on this way, she asked, "well, he's right, you can't." but I wanted to be ready first. if it had to happen, I wanted to be really ready for it. I wanted it to be my choice. but I guess it never really would have been my choice, since none of this is what i want to begin with.

I am not well. I will be okay, but wow, I am not well right now.

[SallyM]

oh care, what could I have to do after? yeah, a movie isn't a bad idea, actually. I don't have to tell him that, just need a place to go. or target...there is always target. can kill a lot of time at target.

question is, when do I tell him about the time limit? do I set it now, or do I set it when he gets here? do I tell him when we are in the midst?

[care]

((((M)))) Man I know how much this sucks. And the impending doom of it all. You'll not think of much else between now and Saturday. You'll replay this in your head a million times. But it will NOT go the way that you envision.
So even though that won't help you to stop obsessing about it, have a little bit of comfort in that it won't be anything like you expect. I am not going to try and sugar coat what might be pure hell. But there is a lot you can do to control how things go. That is what you need to focus on.

Try and stay busy between now and then to distract yourself. And remember, you do have the option of saying I can't do this right now if you're in a bad state. Take care of yourself; your kids need you.

[care]

Morgan, you don't have to tell him anything. go sit in the hockey rink parking lot and cry your eyes out. Bring a book to read, bring your journal to write things down. But just have a plan to get away. The time limit is when you've had enough. If you want to do the movie then watch the clock. But you don't need to decide that up front. Just have an out.
And you don't need to tell him when he gets there. When you feel you've had enough, just get up and say so. You don't answer to him. And just say that you need to do this for YOU. it is NOT about him.
I'll check in later... gotta run to a meeting