Just had a friendly talk with H, during which we agreed that we don't want the D to be nasty, we want to work together, neither wants to see the other screwed, etc---generally very positive stuff.
H told me his father shared his experience about his own D (from H's mom, one very, very mentally ill woman) and expressed concern that H not screw himself in the same way.
Just hearing that FIL would possibly compare me with H's mom made me cry.
H reassured me that his job's not in danger, that he's committed to homeschooling the kids as long as it's working for the three of us, that there's no rush to sell the house, etc.
He admitted that the waiting is making him crazy---the kids don't know, he doesn't have his own place, etc---and that he's afraid because he doesn't have the same kind of support network I do, no friends, etc. He also said he hadn't been taking his antidepressants. I should've guessed that one.
I shared with him my concerns about his change of tenor, and that went fine. I reassured him that everything's on the table---the house, my working status, etc---and he appreciated that. He keeps mentioning the possibility of me "making this ugly," and I said I had no intention of that, that I want him to be happy and settled, etc. Again he expressed appreciation.
Then in the middle of it he said he'd forgot he had to be somewhere and rushed out.
I'm left feeling kind of adrift, in the middle of an emotional discussion, and very sad about the whole thing. He's pissed off that MIL "upset" me with her comments, but I think they're pretty typical and something to deal with. I also admitted that I don't know how to tell my mom about the S, especially since she's going to take it very differently---harder, I'm afraid---than ILs. That's the first time I've admitted that I haven't told her. No sign of surprise from H.
Holy moly, sadder than I've been in a while. I'm thankful it's evening, and soon the kids will be asleep.
I'm sorry for the sadness your feeling. It's just part of what we have to go thru, but it sounded like your convo went well even if he did get up and leave in the middle of it.
I didn't realize he was on depression meds too. this just seems more of a problem with his own love of himself, and security in himself... and part mlc too.. I wouldn't be shocked to find that a year or two from now...if in fact the whole D thing does go thru that he discovers that leaving you didn't make him happy after all and that he made the biggest mistake of his life.
take care of yourself tonight...take a long hot bath or something soothing and sleep well.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Puddle First thought when you leave with "take care" is *you* take care, it is gonna work out for you one way or another.
You are a strong woman in a very very difficult place. You are handling it with grace and you should be proud of yourself.
I really feel for you and wonder when all these Spouses went absolutely out of their freakin minds. I really read this, no more "scanning" and flippant comments from me!
Hugs C
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
NOOOOOOOO! CVA, come back. Dude, I was kidding. C'mon, after all the whacks I've taken you think I'm gonna get my panties in a bunch out of a little back and forth about a chick we'll never meet?
And, Puddle, CVA is right.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
Thanks so much for those words of support; they really helped before I went to sleep last night. I woke up all night long---think I'm getting a cold---but that's not too surprising, I guess.
ST, I totally get what you're saying about dating, but I've decided to go for a drink tonight. I'm more nervous about the question, "So why haven't you been around?" than losing control and doing something I regret.
I, too, am concerned that H may be in a worse spot in a couple years than he is now, but he's a grownup and will deal. It's like folks are discussing on Nomo's thread: the WAS would rather take the plunge into the unknown or even unhappiness than stay, and that says a lot.
And my H's position strikes me as unusual, in that he says he's not unhappy but would be; there won't be any way to look back and say hey, if I had stayed I might not have been unhappy---too many negatives to prove.
Hey CVA, yeah, you know, I *am* pretty proud of myself. Last night's talk was hard for me. I'm not a crier by nature, and it takes a lot for me to break down, especially in front of someone else (most especially H). He didn't move to comfort me at all, but he certainly got the gravity of the talk.
Today he sent me an email saying many kind things, including that that was the most honest conversation we've had in a long time and it "means a lot" that I was willing to be vulnerable. Hey, one long-ago, half-forgotten goal met!
And CVA, no worries about the scanning! I was teasing. I know you type-As don't have time to read each word of everything that comes across your screen---no time! Heim's right.
Thanks for stopping by, NaTo. The support means a lot to me. I hope you're doing well, too.
I'm feeling a lot better today. Other things H said in his email: he's committed to a fair and peaceful split; he's committed to supporting us so I won't have to work (?); he's committed to being honest; and he trusts me.
He also apologized again for being so grumpy, said it wasn't directed at me but I must have felt it; said he's working hard at getting his head out of his a$$ (says he'll need forceps, it's lodged in there so well).
And last night we both expressed the fact that we have no interest in checking up on the other: what we're spending money on, what's on our respective computers, etc, and that was a relief.
Got two decent-size project offers yesterday, so I feel good about that, too.
Thanks for being there! One more small, painful hump successfully navigated. I'm taking care. You do, too.
Puddle That sounds really funny despite the sitch!
OK, so I can see you tonight having a drink, what I wouldnt give to be a fly on the wall
C
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
OK, so I can see you tonight having a drink, what I wouldnt give to be a fly on the wall
You know, I don't think it's going to be that interesting (unfortunately). When we spoke last night I told him tonight's the only time I have free this week, and he said he could "squeeze [me] in for an hour." Now there's some enthusiasm. Sigh. So it looks like the big question is: What am I going to do afterward?!
Heim's right.
