Nomopo's Thread

[Nomopo]

Good morning All!

So Nomo, you're back to the grownup you now? How's it feeling? Surely there are some hot spots there you haven't yet discovered?

Oh no. Just slowing down and looking for that happy balance. Put on some weight the past 6 weeks so would like to reverse that trend, but I don't ever want to go back to full blown Pusher Nomo with Fun Nomo only in charge about 1-5% of the time.

It's funny. Was hanging with a very close friend this weekend from out of town. Known him 25 years and he's perhaps my closest friend in the world (definitely top 3 or 4). He was talking to someone else (with me there), and I can't remember how it came up, but he said somehting like this: "This Nomo is the one I knew. The fun, charismatic, happy go lucky guy that everyone liked to be around. Living life to its fullest - not getting to wrapped up in work/school, athletic competitions, etc. He had balance. But the Nomo for the last 10 years (note: married life!) was different. It's hard to explain. He just wasn't as happy or fun to be around. It was almost like he was dead, going through the motions."

Very interesting. I had sort of figured out I had changed, and lost balance and perspective since gettng married or serious with W and starting my legal career in a new city, but it was very powerful to hear that from someone who knows me as well as anyone. So, I don't want to go back to that at all, and I won't. Not that I need a second adolesence, but I do need plenty of fun, joy, happiness - and balance. Think goodness I woke up to it now, and not later, so i can make the most of the rest of my days.

with regard to your anniversary, I'd suggest you do nothing, not even the backup card. IF she initiates something, you can always react spontaneously, authentically, and sincerely, whatever that means at the time.

A distant, removed, anniversary card that does nothing other than to highlight the gaping wound in your lives by its contrast with what an anniversary card should be isn't really going to be good for anyone.

Makes sense. Thanks.

Thanks for your advice too J_M.

I don't say, just a card, because I think it's pursuing (as is a gift), but it's also a very minimal effort.

Good point.

Either the anniversay means something to you or it doesn't.

Doesn't mean much right now. I absolutely do not feel married to my W. We are completely separate people rigght now, separate lives, but for the kids (which is a big but, but does not make me feel married to W.)

So I gave you two choices....which would I recommend? That depends on you and your relationship with the W. If you're in situation hopeless, then I'm of the mind that it doesn't really matter how it's perceived/taken by your W. You can't do much more harm. You can give a gift and card (with the words suggested already that say you are happy that you got to share in a portion of her life) without expectations of anything good coming of it (best to maybe do this from afar....don't drop it off personally). Sure, it will likely be seen as pursuit, but if you're doing it because you care about her and this occasion, then don't worry about it. If you choose to do nothing then you aren't pursuing, but you also are saying you are on the same page as your W about the importance of the marriage.

Well, I wouldn't call it 100% hopeless, but 99% hopeless. Although I would have no expectations about how it was received or what effect it would have on saving my M, it would be pursuit and I see that as harmful to any small chance I have. I care about W as a person and as the mother of my kids, but not as my W, and I don't care about this anniversary. And I have told W several times over the past two months that I am on the same page with her with regards to our M (eg, she's right, it's hopeless, it can't be saved, and I am moving on).

What did I do? I was already divorced by my anniversary so there wasn't much point. I sent an e-mail. I did give gifts for other occasions like her b-day and Xmas.

Hmmm. Hadn't thought about other occasions much, but I did give her a gift for her September birthday. Will for xmas too I'm sure.

if you see the importance of the M..then dont stoop down to their level..in otherwords dont do an EYE-FOR EYE kinda thing..show how you have grown neverminding how the WAS feel..

But chicki, my experience in my sitch is that all those months I was saving the M while she refused to work on it amounted to (1) pursuit/pressure and (2) tension between us. I believe the pursuit/pressure and tension blocked any hope of reconciliation. By finally letting go, and telling her I agree and don;t want to work on the M, etc., the tension seems to have finally dissipated. Does that mean she will come back? No, but she could. And if she doesn't, it probably means we have the best chance to heal and salavage whatever we can of a R (friends? co-parents?). So I don't want to take a stand for M anymore because that equaled battling my spouse. We all have to let go, I believe.

Thanks all!
Nomo