I am soooooo glad that you are getting so many responses. I jumped on to check and you had 2 pages! There are some amazing people on this board.
I was the queen of snoopers at one time. Part of my job was to do background checks, skip tracing....etc. My H knows that I know how to get information (legally of course!). It is hard has hell to stop. I haven't looked at my H's phone in 2 weeks. He's left it out in the open or sitting at home when he's left for something. I've had every opportunity and not a peek. I understand your frustration about the emotions that your snooping brings up in your spouse. They are doing wrong, yet make you feel guilty because you snooped. I wanted to yell.....FOR GODSAKE.....I looked because there was obviously a problem in our marriage and I want it fixed!!! Saffie was right when she said that snooping got you the confirmation you needed to say.....This is what's happening. Trust me, your spouse will not FORGET that there's a problem just because you stopped snooping.
And that feeling in the pit of your stomach. It too will get better. A lot of us have lost a lot of weight because of that feeling. I'm not saying that it will completely leave, but it will get better.
I'm glad that you're going to your counseling session. As long as you want to work on this, you are in a GREAT spot from what I see. Your W wants to work on things, she's ended it, she's willing to look for another job...etc. That's GREAT. Also, it may take some time for her to get over things. Is that fair to you??? NO, but it's true. Some of us....me, lwb....etc., are still in a spot where our H's either haven't given up the A or are still foggy about what they want. YOU are in a spot that many of us want to be in. I'm not trying to tell you how to feel. Husband is right. Only you know what will work for you and only you truly know how you feel. I'm just saying that you're in a great position.
Have a great day!! We're here for you.
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
Husband, I would love any advice you have on the addressing the mood swings or how to better control them. I can relate - music especially, can impact you drastically and immediately. Please post, or email me anything you think would be helpful.
Sue, thanks for checking in - yes, there *are* amazing people on this board, I've seen it in other posts, and now feeling it in my own. I guess my urge to snoop is to see if she is being honest about wanting to start fresh, that it IS over, that she is committed to this. After all, honesty has not been her strong suit for the last several months. I do feel like I am in a good spot, and I wish you all to be there too. I just want to know that it is all real, I will not be played for the fool again - I couldn't handle it - I'd rather take the full impact now. But again, snooping will not help this, will undoubtedly only drive us further apart - even though I feel like it is 100% justified, and that should be clear.. after all, we are only wanting to find the problem(s), and try to start making it better.
The funny/wierd (and perhaps good) thing about all of this, is I will admit we had drifted apart a bit (does not justify A), but all of this coming up, has really made me realize I DO love my W, possibly more than I realized before - I just want us both to be at that same level.
The funny/wierd (and perhaps good) thing about all of this, is I will admit we had drifted apart a bit (does not justify A), but all of this coming up, has really made me realize I DO love my W, possibly more than I realized before - I just want us both to be at that same level.
Bwild- I admit also that we'd drifted apart. I just felt that with a little one at home and different schedules it was only temporary. H has even told people that we made sacrifices so that D3 could be home instead of in daycare. He told someone not long ago that the reason we didn't get to spend much time together is because we didn't feel comfortable leaving D3 with anyone but family. However, us not spending time together & having time to connect is the reason the A started. You are right though, it does not justify the A. They still made a choice to allow the A to start or grow. I have not always been happy, but never once thought of an A. I told my H that I love him very much and that I intend to fight for my M.
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
Hey Sues and B, I am a queen of snoopers too. I have a similar job as you. I have been in investigations for several years now so being able to find out information comes easily for me. My H hates it! Especially since he is doing something wrong it didn't take long for me to find out and with whom. I am trying really hard to nto snoop anymore. No more checking. I have found out the hard way that "knowing" only hurts me more. I know enough. My problem now is that I still have urges to snoop but it's to see if he's made any "good" changes, maybe that he's stopped. But I can't do that either because then that's not really going dark and it's not detaching. I'm of the same mind frame, I'd rather know now.
And B, it's not weird. That's exactly how I feel. We had drifted apart too but with all this happening, it has made me realize the same thing, how much I do love my H and want our family together. The GAL is hard for me because I have always focused on my kids or H before me so it's a definite 180. I'm trying and I think I will get the hang of it. I have just got to stop reacting!!
LuvMyHusband Me: 41 H: 43 ch: 3 M: 7+ T: 10+ Bomb: EA 8/07, A over phone/net 10/07 Seperated: 9/07 H ended A/EA with OW again on 1/2008 Reconsile: 3/26/2008, H admitted PA
I can completely relate to children making the time for the marriage scarce. But it really is an absolute requirement to make time - or people do drift... not necessarily to this degree, or in this direction, but the relationship will suffer. We just have to make time for both aspects of life, and do the best we can without neglecting one or the other. So, just had a call from my W. I didn't make it to the gym, where we normally cross paths at lunch, so she gave me a call. In the call, she mentions she just saw my best friend walking (he has full knowledge of the situation, and helped me out as far as discovery). She is obviously down about it.. I can't decide what I'm supposed to do. Not sure if she is upset by seeing him for the fact that he would be involved in 'investigation', or the fact that someone else knows the dirty little secret. My first instict is to comfort her, and help her deal with it, but my heart wants to say "deal with it, the only thing he did wrong was be there for me - he didn't force you to get involved with OM". Like I said earlier, I feel like I have to walk lightly, and make try to make things better even though I've really done nothing wrong by comparison. Uggggh.
Well, horrible funk today. Not really sure what it is all about.. maybe just reality. Trying to figure out how I'll get past this all - I think some positive re-enforcement from W would help, but she kind of seems distant for some reason - maybe the same thoughts. Correct me if I'm hoping for too much, but I would think, if she were really serious, and regretful of what has happened, she would be attempting to show some signs. I'm probably just being a needy, not sure... and I guess she has her own demons to deal with So, have first MC session this afternoon. Does anyone have any idea of what to expect? Do we start with the immediate problems and work back, or start with the past and work forward? I have no idea what I'm in for, other than I'm ready just to talk about it some, and air some things. Additional random thought - I think I'm going to go get a heavy bag for the garage - seems like good therapy to me.
Well, the MC was ok, I guess. First time there, so she had to learn about us, figure it all out, etc. Thing is, I hoped for more.. not sure why I expected that, I knew better - but I was just ready to roll up my sleeves and get to work on (some)thing. I'm impatient. But, all we left with were a couple of excercises for communication/learning about each others moods.
On the bright side, I feel like W was fairly open an honest there, so I guess that's another good sign.
Ok, so question for anyone out there. When the EA came out, and she claimed she wanted it to work, that our marriage was worth fighting for, I made some 'demands'. 1. Had find a new job - SOON - any contact with OM is not acceptable in my opinion 2. Any contact outside of 'professional', needed to be shared with me (in the spirit of our new 'honesty/openness' policy) 3. There were a couple other less significant things
She agreed to all of them. Which at the time, I thought was a good thing, now I'm wondering if it was just the panic in her agreeing to it. So - How hard do I push on the job thing? But more importantly, do I ask (daily) about contact with OM? I feel like I'm pushing, but also feel like I need to remind her that we are putting everything out there for the other. I guess I feel like they have probably talked outside of the 'professional' arena, and I have a right to know??? Or am I just making myself crazy..???
The funny/wierd (and perhaps good) thing about all of this, is I will admit we had drifted apart a bit (does not justify A), but all of this coming up, has really made me realize I DO love my W, possibly more than I realized before - I just want us both to be at that same level.
YES!!
About the demands, I think they are totally reasonable. I guess if you make the demands, you need to figure out how they are being met. Meaning if you want her to tell you when OM contact happens, then say something like "I will not look/snoop, but I expect you to be honest and tell me about any encounters". This way, you are giving her privacy back. I really don't know how else you could go about it, without snooping.
