Calling All Cats :)

[cat03]

thanks hon, means a lot to me. He has T today, hope he implements what he learns.

I pray daily that God helps him, for his sake.

[runningoutoftime]

no, he was pretty much mellow to the point that I wish he'd so something, anything so things wouldn't be boring (jeez, careful waht you wish for!) His mood swings are long term, 2 days sad 2days happy, and his wild schedule doesn't help.

Sounds like MLC or some hormone changes that may be causing depression. I forgot if you mentioned this, but has he had a good physical checkup lately?

[cat03]

hey luv. He's having a check up next week. He actually talked about his T sessions. Says he doesnt see much progress going on, that the T said he has some sort of problem/disorder with him getting a hold of his anger and controlling himself when conflict arise (hense, the lack of patience when he gets upset)
To top things off the T will no longer be taking insurance as of Dec. maybe that's a good thing, I pray we find a new better T. For the time being she wants to test him on a deeper level about his learning def. problem (causing trouble at work big time).

I mentioned MC, he said he isn't ready, and that his T mentioned we might need someone neutral, she/H think I've been seen him more often, I mentioned to him that I've only seen the T only one more time more than him. H thinks the MC is too forceful with him (he's said this before) and that just baffles me! whenever we r together the T is always gently and never ever reproaches him in any way, perhaps during the last session when they had a 1on1 about the 2nd A that the C might've laid it on him (he deserved it!).

Anyways, that's where things are. More often than not he is more at easy at home, thought the noise the kids make does exacerbate him a bit more, I know it is normal with ADHD people. I took a chance and hugged him and told him that now and then I'd like a hug, that I missed him upstairs (he sleeps downstairs) he responded to the hug but said nothing else, which was fine with me. We kissed good night, a small peck, I made him kiss me on the lips, which is fine with him. So I 'll run with that, I will hug him here and there and make sure we kiss before the night is over, he always says good night to me and lots of times he acts the way he used to long ago, before the bombs, and I wonder why he doesn't come up.

But I have to keep to my word, for the time being, specially during his probation period at work I won't demand affection and other stuff from him, 'til dec when we go to MC and we reasses where we are heading.

We plan to dress up and go to out partying for halloween, we are really looking forward to that, should be fun

[runningoutoftime]

How about giving affection without expecting any back? I don't think we lose anything by giving touches and hugs during piecing. It may eventually melt his reserve, and even if the relationship didn't work, he'd lose something very special.

[LoginName]

Hi Cat,
I think runningoutoftime (root?) is partly right, but since I too am feeling the lack of affection, I have a slightly different take.

Mainly, showing affection seems to fill like pressure to the WAS, at least my WAS. She feels that I then expect her to respond in kind. Even if I don't, even if I don't expect anything, she precieves it differently. So I'm not affectionate. The more 'standoffish' I am, the more little, tiny, baby steps she takes toward me physically. (i've a feeling I should be running a spell check on this, but hopefully it'll make sense anyway).

Also, it can hurt to show affection to someone who doesn't respond.

I think the fact that he accepts a kiss is great. I think that you can kiss hime and not feel bad is great. Keep it up.

It hits me so often that nothing we do really matters. It's all inside of them. They have to figure things out.

But... on the other hand... Maybe I'm not pushing enough. I think all the space I've given my W has helped us. When do you know when to start pushing a little? I think, because of some clues that I hope I'm not missinterpreting, that my W is signalling that she wants me to push, move, lead us toward each other. I'm going to test the waters and see what happens.

Tomorrow, my son and I are driving to AR to visit my W and daughter for a week. I'm going to work via internet while I'm there. The kids have some time off school, so it seemed like a good time to get together. I will initiate some R talk, see where it goes and how it's received. I'll initiate a little touching - hold a hand, rub a shoulder, see how that's reacted to.

Cat, I've set deadlines too. Deadline might be the wrong word. I'm not saying that unless such and so happens, I'll file for D. I do find it easier to live with the ambiguity and waiting if I have an idea of when I think it might end. When the deadline comes, I'll reassess where we are and go from there.

I don't like the DB book idea of setting goals like, "he'll kiss me by the end of the month". I think it's to focused on them and their actions. I tried it when we started peicing and was disappointed. Eventually, my "goals" were met, but long after I thought they would be and only when I stopped thinking of them.

Hope you're doing well.

[cat03]

hey login, yes, deadlines are good to keep my sanity.

As far as affection, my H has such low self steem and other issues that i'm confident that when I show a bit of affection (it has taken me 2mths to come to this) he takes it at face value, he's the kind of person who's alway s wondering if I'm still mad at him for all that has happen. In my case, some small show of affetion is received rather well.
Just have to go very slowly...

I"m glad you'll be with your W for a week! sending good vibes your way and I pray you have a good r talk and that you guys have a great time together

[cat03]

The veredict is in about my H's job sitch.

The probation period (not regular probation, the warning they gave him to either shape out of be let go) is not over, however, the dept. feels he still is not meeting their expectations and could easly be let go, though they have seen him really really try his darnest to do things right (he gets there with 1.5hrs to spare), etc.

So they gave him the choice before the time is up, to apply for another position ( he did it once during training and hated it) until at least the regular probation time is up, and then he could try again to join the rest of the other officers.

He's already applied, he is keeping his job and that is a blessing (he was told they usually don't give people this kind of chances) but he sounded really down (of course) this is a huge blow to him.

This also sets us back, as far as piecing our marriage back... I want to be strong, it is hard not to have my emotional/affecion needs meet for so long(don't want to sound selfish but you know what I mean), so I pray that I become safe place for him during this time.

It could always be worse but my H is having a hard time seeing this, he loves his job.

I was at the store today, and there was this lady with a friend, she kept grunting loudly and making signs, I gathered she was mute. Later his friend tells me she is also deaf. She prob grew up in her country with no schooling, because that's all she could do, point. The cashier asked how she became this way, her friend said "when she was a little girl, her father was killed in front of her and they piled 45 more corpses on top of him, since, she hasn't been able to talk" she was in her mid 30s...

Keep counting my blessings here...

[Aud31]

Sorry to hear about H's job frustration--I hope things work out for him (and you) in the best way possible.

Keep counting those blessings--they'll get you through anything.

[whapu]

Cat,
I hope that your H truly appreciates you standing admist the winds of career futility...I relate a lot with your husbands feelings and expectations over his job...at least he loves his job One thing I have to remind myself is that just because I have "certain" expectations for my job choice doesnt mean that god has the same expectation....oddly, he has a better grasp at the situation. One thing for certain about life is that it constantly changes...this can give hope...

I also understand your feelings of your needs being met...Your patience will only reap good fortune no matter what direction your M takes. OUR FEELINGS, OUR NEEDS I guess should be met by us...much like his needs...then let the cup runneth over!


I have my abacus out and will begin to count my blessings as well as yours...just think if all of us combine our blessings...
peace....

[cat03]

thanks for the reminder whapu))))))))) I'm in charge of my happiness. That's why I'm putting my ring back on. Funny thing, pretty much right from the time his 2nd A started (I was looking at a calendar) my ring gave me a horrible bump and I had to take it off and couldnt' put in on for weeks, then later I learned the terrible truth and dont' bother putting it back on.
Heck, today, I feel the emptiness on that finger more than ever. I was waiting for some good sign from H, some big todo in relation with our R and M... no more, I said I wasnt' going to hang my expectations over his head anymore, and I WILL do my darnerst to make this M work, so might as well act like it. I'll go home and put my lovely ring back on.

he does love his job, but the new position is as exciting as watching paint dry, and all his friends are all happy that they get to relax from now on and now he's stuck at a place he doesnt' want to be, I hope he too counts his blessings... eventually.