Yeah, part of this post is to remind me in the future, mental pep talk
But ya know it hit me after last night. At one point she was leaning close talking to me and I looked her right in the eyes and said 'You know how terribly hard it is not to kiss you right now?'. It wasn't a needy pouting sad statement, it was a bold confident statement made with a wry smile and a spark in my eye. No, no kiss there, but you could see in her eyes that she wanted to, you could see she was pleased. That's the kind of thing I have to do. Of course it's a fine line between that and pressuring, I guess the difference is the confidence and neediness. Wanting to kiss her because you need to be close is going to pressure her and push her away. Saying I want to kiss her while being confident and happy and making it clear that I'm stating my wants but she's going to have to come to me is a whole different ball game.
I was thinking about all of this and what's worked and confidence is the biggie I've been missing. It's only about a month since I really got a grip on my neediness and learned to appreciate and want her without needing her. I was thinking about what I did a month ago when we ended up having sex and it was the same sort of thing. We'd spent the night talking about her plans for school and I found myself fascinated with this strong woman taking charge of her life. We did some photos for a charity calendar (cleavage pics for a breast cancer awareness fundraiser) and the whole time I was snapping pics I held the camera off to the side and looked deep into her eyes with a confident smile. We went to bed and we talked, with me looking into her eyes and really listening. And what happened? She came to me, I give her a quick kiss and she asked for more and one thing led to another. Of course the mistake I made was not letting it go, wanting more. I need to maintain my confidence even though she'll pull away after nights like that. Leave her wanting more and wait patiently for her to come to me.
It's going to be a fine line but I think I can walk it. Being confident and not needing anything, making it clear what I want and not being hurt when I don't get it is the key. No pressure, just me letting her know what I want and making her come to me. The big thing I've been missing lately is the confidence that I can get her back. I don't know, it just seems to me that when I'm sitting around preparing myself for the possibility that it won't work out, it's impossible for me to put my best effort forth.
