Still trying to win WAW back (#2)

[theforlornhope]

Dave, I'm sending you an email re: the workout. I also added muscle mass in addition to losing the 15 lbs. My STBXW griped because I had put on weight. Big surprise, losing it made no difference. None of the things she wanted different about me were the problem. Now I'm trying to go back to being me.

About eating, here's what I did. It was 2-3 weeks before I could eat or sleep. I was also very anxious, so much that I was considering asking my STBXW to leave. I was concerned about that because I wanted her to be able to see my GAL changes. I talked to my MC and then my pastor about asking her to leave, custody, etc. Both were supportive of it. During my conversation with my pastor, he made mention of the me,me,me, I,I,I, aspect of the leaving spouse.

This is going to sound funny, but later I began to realize that I was only thinking about me,me,me, I,I,I, in regards to my anxiety. Not trying to listen to what God wants me to do, not the kids, or validating her point of view.

I resolved to try to shift my thinking from "I can't believe your doing this to me and the kids just to play the field," to "we are getting a divorce, I don't like it, I don't want it, but I don't want our marriage back the way it was either." "I don't like the way she was treating me, I don't want to be married to someone who doesn't respect me." "I don't want my sons to see their mother treat me with disrespect." "If she changes her mind or comes back later, great, we can build something new and better." "I can't control that." "The only thing I can control is how I act and what I do." "It's her choice whether that is enough." "It it isn't, by GALing I will be on my way back to being me, someone I respect with or without her."

This shift in thinking gave me some peace and started my detachment enough that I was able to eat. Sleep is still a little rocky. Melatonin helps me with that sometimes, but I don't take it often because it leaves me a little drowsy the next day. I still don't really get hungry often, but I can eat enough for my workouts now. Protein shakes are easier to keep down. I just mix them with water at work.

I still get anxious occasionally, (this past sunday,) but it started me down the right track I think.

Now if I could just manage to review everything I say before I say it. I need a DB filter in my head.