There and Back, #10

[SallyM]

okay, several people have pointed out to me that H might not hate the pics, he might just be sad that he isn't in there. a good friend of mine said the picture made her sad at first...there is a spot between S5 and D3 that is empty, like its where he should be, next to me. maybe he saw it that way. maybe he's sad that I didn't ask him along on the shoot. maybe.

the thing is, I don't know. so I need to stop dumping on myself and trying to second guess his reasons, because i don't know.

he sounded sad on the phone tonight when he called to say goodnight to the kids. we were busy here, and a bit distracted, but I stil asked how his day was (big news)...not great, apparently, but he seemed happy I asked. I said he must be psyched about the game on thursday...big deal, his first w.s. game to go to and all that. he said he was bummed because he could only get one ticket. he was hoping for two, since his buddy was in town from western upstate ny. he was hoping the two could go. instead he's stuck with a bunch of work aquaintences.

see, again, me jumping to conclusions that ow would be with him.

need to stop that. on all counts. I know why everyone says I need to get my focus off of him and put it on myself. I am not doing very good with that, but here is another reminder as to why.

having a quiet night. put the uk office christmas special in, just kind of vegging and like I told mk, taking the night off.

oh, and mk, the kids look just like H. they do. its almost scary, but they are clones. except for D3. haven't figured her out. she has h's nose, but everyone says she looks more like me. and I see more of me in S3 than I used to...he used to be scary he looked so much like H. I think he has my eyes, though, so maybe that's it. and S5 used to be my clone, but about a year ago he morphed into looking like his dad. weird how that happens.

atgo, well, now you can cheer for the sox, right? next year for the tribe...maybe.

[nephartiti]

Hi Morgan.

We always assume the worst, don't we? I'm proud of you for reaching out and asking your H about his day. It sounds like a positive.

Thanks for checking on me, btw. The fires are north and south of me. My SIL is on her way here because her area will likely be evacuated tonight if things don't get better. The air is bad here, but we are safe and sound... from the fires at least.

[FLTC]

Hi Morgan,

I finally went back to post #1 out of 1496 to see what got you here. Man, I'm sorry. I'm at the 1 year plus separation point, and am currenlty in Iraq, at my own hand, to trya nad escape what may be inevitable. I'm really sorry for you, and frustarted beyond belief by a guy who can walk out on his family.I saw the ages of your kids and it breaks my heart. When I think of my S9, and the fact that he may not grow up in an intact family, it kills me. Just like you, my M. went south over a number of years ago. I never saw it coming. I describe it as paint that yellows. You notice subtle changes, but nothing you can put your finger on. My thread goes way back, too much to explain, but you have to think of your kids first. It's so anger-provoking. My W. couldn't care any less about "holes" created in pictures or a family, and if that saddens your husband, then he needs to get his as* home, and jettison the other woman. I've had it with people who leave their spouses and then get "sad" wwhen they look at thier kids. Get yourself happy, don't depend on a spouse to do it...same for him....sorry for the rant. Take care!

FLTC

[mkultra]

I felt sad about the absence of your H also. I am not sure how that message comes across BUT I do remember Dr. Numan on Oprah saying that we can tell ourr kids that they are in a family. To say this is our family and these are our traditions as a family. It was a sweet message that an intact family is not the only type of family and that we should point that out to the kids. That families come in all different shapes and sizes. So by all means, celebrate that you took gorgeous pics in Glorious USA!!! I usually only see those pics from military wives and for Father's Day. I took a ton of single mom pics in Disneyland.

[SallyM]

thanks all.

neph, it was hard to ask, but I did it. will see how that goes. still keeping social lives quiet. its funny, though, because he thinks he knows stuff about my life...from grabbing my phone the other day, he knows I'm in communication with a couple of guys he doesn't know. he thinks something is up with that. I know better. I never said I was dating anyone, he just assumes. and I'm sure there is a lot of stuff I fire off at him that isn't right...so again, need to stop the assuming. although yeah, I know he and ow are together. but wonder if things aren't all sunshine and roses. starting to get that more and more.

FLTC, thanks for going back and reading my first. I just did that...wow, I remember the pain I was in. the desperation I felt. I have come a long way since then. not that I don't have pain, I do, but wow, time changes things a bit. its not a constant at least. and I know now more than I did then that I will be okay, no matter what happens. just wish the kids didn't have to deal with it, too. because that is sooo not right. as easy as H and I try to make it for them, it isn't. nothing but having daddy home and mommy and daddy happy again would make it be what they want it to be.

this has to be so hard for you, being over in iraq. what an awful thing to deal with while being in an awful place. take care of yourself. and can I just say, I love the paint yellowing analogy. love it. its perfect.

mk, the reason I set up the shoot was because I wanted pics of them and of me with them...and I wanted to say to myself that we are a family, even if H isn't gone. that's why I keep plugging away with stuff like decorating for fall and halloween and all that stuff. stuff I so miss H around for, but at the same time I'm not going to wait around for him for it. I could see the paralysis and how easily it could come, but I'm not going to succumb to it. we are a family, with or without him.

S3 is coughing again today. he did yesterday morning, but it stopped. has started up again today. exactly like H used to be as a kid, apparently. ugh. need to see how he does as to whether I send him to school or not. he'll be sooo bummed to miss it, but I don't want to send him sick. at the same time, H used to get a cough like this that lasted for a month or so at times...coughed in the morning, was fine by mid morning. will figure it out.

H is coming tonight. going to do some neglected housework (it was too nice out yesterday!) and make sure the house looks good. going to think calmblueocean and going to ask again how his day was. then I'm heading to the gym while he is here. not to avoid him, but because i really want the w/o and don't have time this morning.

[care]

Hey Morgan, Wow, a lot has happened over the weekend. And I'm not talking about the Sox winning the ALCS....

Here's my take. Your H still feels some connection towards you; perhaps it is part territorial, part jealousy since he suspects you are dating anyway, and partly because he does still care about you. And perhaps partly because he feels some guilt. Does it matter what he feels? Nope.
Now, don't me wrong, in some cases keeping that physical connection may be something that turns things around. As long as you are okay with the aftermath whatever it may be, then it is your decision.

H and I used to get into those situtations every once in a while during what I call the separation while living together phase. I couldn't handle what happened after. H would go into a nose dive saying how he wished he didn't do that, how wrong it was. It made me feel like cr@p. So I stopped. What I am trying to get at is - you'll know if it is right for you in your sitch.
Perhaps the asking H how his day was and little things will open a new door. Remember, more of what works, less of what doesn't. And most importantly, this is all about you and how you feel. You need to monitor that because, let's be honest,your H cannot and is not.

The pictures of you and the kids are awesome. Did you have those done at the Gristmill? I love that place. I got engaged at the Wayside Inn and H took me there on Valentine's Day this year. Sort of a turning point for us though it took several more months for him to recommit.

Enjoy another sunny, warm day.

[SallyM]

thanks, care. yeah, a lot happened. I'm not so sure I can deal with the aftermath of sex with H. he isn't like yours, he doesn't say he regrets it (says he doesn't, in fact) but is more concerned about confusing me/leading me on/hurting me. in the same breath he says he is confused himself. so how can I not be confused? but yeah, while it feels good in the moment, I'm not sure its smart. keeps me attached and all that. not to mention the ick factor...I mean, the man is with another woman right now. yuck.

thanks for the comments on the pics. yep, good eye, it was at the gristmill. what a wonderful place to get engaged! how beautiful! and a nice valentines day, I'm sure.

thanks so much for chiming in. I want to believe. when I think of you and what you have gone thru, I almost do. then I think about how far we are from what would need to happen, how delusional I might just be, and, well, I sink a bit.

am definitely going to see what works and what doesn't...and you are so right, I need to monitor how I am feeling, because that is the only gauge that matters.

gotta do the school run. enjoy the day, and thanks so much for stopping by!

[mkultra]

I don't think you are delusional. It sounds to me like you have real hope in saving your marriage. But more importantly you will be happy either way. Don't ever give up. Just focus on your Northern Star and even if you do move on without him you will always know you neverthrew him away and he will know it too. It reminds me of when Lorelei told Luke she wanted a "middle" and he didn't get it at that time. Your H just does not get it at this time because he has messed up his life so badly. The pressure is immense in our culture. If we had to deal with this in Mexico or Japan, I bet the husband would still be home and just keep the mistress on the side. Because of our monagamy myths, we just throw the baby out with the bathwater. You have so much to work with. Your H respects you and has seen that you support him. You are a wonderful wife and mother. He will always know that in his heart.

[SallyM]

oh god oh god oh god. here it is. I just got this e-mail from h:

Sorry I didn’t call this morning but I went out with (friend) last night and overslept. I will be there tonight to see the kids. As far as Wednesday, I have to go to a meeting in ct and am hoping that I leave early enough to stop and see the kids on my way back. If not I will just see them on Friday.

Do you think that we should try to coordinate a time to get together without the kids around and talk? Obviously, things cannot continue the way that they are and I feel like we need to figure out what’s going on.

[mkultra]

What the hell does that mean????