Divorced but CANNOT "move on": Urgent Help Needed!

[Dead Man Walking]

Please pardon my long note below. I know you folks have enough to do, without slogging through all my ramblings...

I think you handled the stuff at her house well. Let HER pursue YOU for a change. Right now I get the feeling she's just checking to see if you're still on the hook. Don't let her feel TOO confident about that.

Ellie, I'm not very happy with myself right now.

My XW had called me three times yesterday. She wanted me to know that she has been immobilized by a week-long migraine. Our 17 year-old daughter is also in a lot of pain, apparently resulting from an ovarian cyst or some other urological problem. Because my XW can't drive with a migraine, she had not taken our S12 to school yesterday.

Last night, my XW called to request that I come help our S12 with a research paper. His rough draft was due today, and he needed help organizing, editing, and printing it. (XW is not at all computer-savvy, even without a migraine.)

Despite my failures and shortcomings as a husband, I try to be the best father I can be. I have never missed a single dance recital, awards ceremony or Little League game over the past 18 years. I have always tried to make myself available to help with homework and school projects, as needed. (This commitment began when my wife started grad school 14 years ago. I wrote many of her papers and curricula for her M.S. in Education. She was very appreciative back then; even joking that she should add my name beneath hers on her diploma.)

So, last night I drove the 20 miles (one way) to her house. While I'm there, I usually try to make myself as useful as possible. That used to include a long list of general maintenance and home-improvement tasks (when I was still welcome as a "live-in" ex-husband, prior to August of this year). Now, my visits are short, so my tasks are more limited in scope.

Anyway, our D17 brought my XW's cellphone for me to repair, explaining that its battery would no longer hold a charge. During the process of cleaning the brass contact plates and testing the integrity of the battery, I powered the phone on, with the sincere intention of checking its rated charging voltage.

Well, that phone in my hand was as dangerous as a fifth of Jack Daniels in the trembling hands of a struggling alcoholic. After determining that the phone was now charging correctly, I gave in to the temptation to "snoop". I scanned the numbers of her incoming and outgoing voice calls, noting several from a new guy with a local cell phone prefix.

Then, I checked her incoming and outgoing text messages. That's when I felt the wind knocked out of me. I literally couldn't catch my breath as I read the words my XW had sent to two men she is dating. "Tony" is her newest squeeze. "John" (who lives about 90 miles away) is the attorney she spent a long weekend with only 3 weeks after he responded to her online dating profile (in which, incidentally, she described her "perfect match" as a "Christian gentleman with a clean lifestyle").

I had been under the impression that XW had cooled her feelings toward "John". But, according to her text messages, "Tony" had expressed his disappointment that my XW had made plans to visit "John" again. He had written that he ("Tony") must have misinterpreted their relationship, and that he apologized for assuming that she liked him ("Tony") as something more than a "buddy".

XW had also sent several brief but romantic notes to "John", including the dreaded "ILY". (More than two years have passed since I last heard those words from her.) I noted that most of the notes had been sent or received in the wee hours of the morning. That's significant to me because my XW is notorious for her farmer's sleeping hours. She is in bed by no later than 9:30 virtually every night. It's rare for her to stay awake all the way through a late movie.

The volume of messages she sent these two OM was significant to me too, because I had never been able to elicit a response from her to my text messages--even "back in the day" when we were still married. She insisted that she despised having to use the awkward numeric keypads to type long text strings. I guess she must have learned to deal with those limitations long enough to make her feelings known to her new beau.

So, here's my question: How do I handle the situation the next time she calls for my help? [At least she is astute enough to no longer make an appeal to my loyalty to her. Just a few weeks ago, she knew that all she had to do was ask, and I would bring her a take-out order from her favorite Mexican restaurant; or I would call in a prescription refill, pick it up, pay for it, and deliver it to her bedside.]

I don't want to be taken advantage of, but I still feel an obligation to help when my children have a legitimate need for assistance.

P.S., Right after I discovered her love notes, I returned the phone to its charger, turned the lights off, and promptly left without a word to anyone. More than an hour later, my XW called my cellphone (which I ignored). She called again a few minutes later, and left a voice message. She sounded surprised and a little annoyed that I had left without telling anyone "good-bye", and without helping S12 complete his rough draft.

Within the past half-hour, my phone rang again, this time with my D17's number in the caller ID. I should have known better. It was my XW, asking about my mysterious departure. I told her the truth: that I had snooped by reading the text messages on her cell phone. I was very calm. Even though I had been hurt (again), I actually apologized to her. I told her she did not owe me any explanation whatsoever; that she was entitled to date anyone she chooses, without any guilt or defensiveness.

Her reply was one of denial. She said that I must have read our daughter's messages to one of her several boyfriends. She (XW) even claimed that "John" didn't own a cellphone. (If that's true, I don't know what to believe about what I saw. D17 has her own newer phone, with a full alphanumeric folding keyboard; so, I don't know why she would have used XW's archaic vanilla phone.)

Although I was caught off-guard, I knew better than to react like I did that fateful night in her bedroom last month. Then, I was emotional, accusatory, judgmental, and full of righteous indignation. Tonight, I was a calm, cool, polite gentleman. I expressed my sympathy for her marathon migraine, then wished her a good night. Instead of anger, she was speechless! She whispered "good night" and then hung up. I detected a touch of sadness in her voice. What's up with that?